


Released but never free

by jeanniemckay



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Gen, Hallucinations, Imprisonment, Minor Character Death, Murder, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Rodney McKay Whump, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Team as Family, Violence, Violent Thoughts, Wrongful Imprisonment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:35:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 51,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26631496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeanniemckay/pseuds/jeanniemckay
Summary: When Rodney's caught trespassing off-world he's captured and sentenced for espionage, instead of serving that time he has 20 years worth of memories implanted into his brain before he's allowed back to Atlantis. Back home he has to learn to deal with what's been done to him, but that's a lot harder than it sounds. [Set somewhere in season 3 and based on Star Trek DS9 episode 'Hard Time']
Relationships: Carson Beckett & Rodney McKay, Rodney McKay & John Sheppard
Comments: 50
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This has been in my head for about 3 or 4 years now and I've finally gotten around to finishing it. This is heavily based on the DS9 episode, one of the beautiful O'Brian must suffer episodes, but I couldn't stop thinking about what it would be like if Rodney were placed in this situation. If you've watched the episode then you'll recognise bits and pieces (some scenes just worked, with a little tweaking, in here), if you haven't then you should! I've rated it for darker themes and some naughty words scattered about and I'll update the tags as we go along. This'll be a long one, so thank you very much for joining me and I hope you enjoy it, I'll be trying to posting once a week!  
> P.S. it's been ages since I've written Rodney so fingers crossed he's okay - JM.

The cell was still dark, the automatic daylight hadn’t been initiated yet, but it couldn’t be far off. Over the years he’d gotten so used to the timings of day and night that he instinctively knew when one would end, he didn’t even need the lights to confirm it. He’d woken early, well he hadn’t really slept. He’d dozed on and off for most of the night – it was all he could manage at night nowadays. Every time he dropped off the nightmares would begin again and he’d force himself awake, shaking and sweating.

Reluctantly he pushed himself upright, his back protesting vehemently as it always did. Years ago he’d made a fuss when he’d been forced to sleep on a hard floor with only a little straw for comfort, he’d moaned, whined about needing an orthopaedic mattress but it hadn’t had any effect. Well, that’s not entirely correct - he’d just ended up with even less straw.

With a dirty, battered sleeve he scrubbed at his face, trying to clear some of the muck he knew was there. There really wasn’t any point, at this stage it was practically encrusted into his skin. He was fairly sure he’d never be able to get rid it now; all the hot showers in the world would never get him clean again.

Just as his arm was falling back to his side the morning alarm sounded, causing the usual ruckus in the other cells around him. He’d never seen or spoken to the criminals around him, but whenever the alarms sounded for morning, night or food sounded he was forcibly reminded of their presence. He could never tell what they were saying (or screaming) – he doubted it was anything particularly interesting, if the guards were anything to go by the majority of the criminals in here hardly had two brain cells to rub together. He certainly wasn’t being held in any sort of special prison for the ridiculously intelligent.

Out of habit he flung his hand over his eyes, covering them before the lights blazed into life, lighting up the bleak cell he’d been living in for so long. Straw and sand still covered the floor but he’d long given up trying to make a comfortable mattress from it, instead he’d used it for more practical purposes, piling it over his makeshift latrine. There was a time when he’d been horrified at the fact that there were no separate conveniences, he’d made a hell of a fuss in an effort to get something resembling a toilet brought in but that had fallen on deaf ears. In the end he’d had to make do with what he had…at least this place was cleansed every couple of days.

After a moment he spread his fingers, allowing his eyes a moment to adjust to the sudden change and then dropped his hand to the floor as he began to push himself to his feet. Every bone and muscle seemed to creak with the effort, but what did he expect? He was a lot older than when he’d come in here. Even back then he’d had trouble with his knees – Carson should really have taken him seriously! Well the good doctor would certainly eat his words if he could see him know, he wouldn’t be able to tell him he was overreacting now, would he! He’d see the bruises, the scars and any decent scan would show how badly his bones were doing! Arthritis had probably spread everywhere now, even if he did ever get out of here he’d be having replacement surgery for years. He’d be more metal than human.

This thought elicited a small chuckle, a croaky and unusual sound even to his own ears. It had been a while since he’d last laughed properly; there wasn’t a whole lot to find funny here. There were only so many times you could amuse yourself with your own limericks or jokes.

Slowly he hobbled towards the stone wall to his right, bending just as he reached it to pick up the small piece of flint he’d kept safe for…God knows how long now. As he righted himself he surveyed the white marks littering the wall, he’d been working on a new equation for a while now, just to keep him occupied. It was one of the few things that kept him sane here, but every time he seemed to be getting somewhere the hygiene wave swept over the cell, replacing the straw, cleansing him and then clearing the walls. He had no way of knowing how many times he’d had to restart his work but at least it kept his memory going. He had to remember every section, had to force his brain to remember every letter, every number, in case it was wiped from him at any moment. He couldn’t afford to not have this work otherwise…well, he’d heard what happened to some of the people in here. Even _he_ couldn’t block out the crying, moaning and wailing of the insane echoing through the corridors of this place.

He shuddered at the thought. _There but for the grace of a non-existent deity, go I_.

It would have been so easy for him to slip into the same madness. When he’d realised his team weren’t coming for him he nearly had. Sometimes he wondered if it would have been easier to just give up, to sit in a corner, rocking back and forth slowly and letting his mind just go. At least then he wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of knowing that people he’d counted as family weren’t going to save him.

No, he couldn’t go down that route again. He’d been there so many times, wondering whether they’d tried to find him, whether they’d just given up and left him for dead. Would they have held a memorial for him before carrying on with their lives? Would he have ended up as just another name on dispatches back to Earth?

It took a physical shake to bring his mind back to the present; he brushed his thumb over the cool edge of the flint as he took a deep breath, centring himself. He had work to do, there was no point getting caught up in thoughts. He did enough of that at night, he didn’t need to bother during the day as well.

His tongue darted out to wet his lips, his head cocked to one side as he surveyed yesterday’s work. It had been the biggest breakthrough so far, he’d been on a roll until the alarm had sounded for lights out. Carefully he tapped the last number with the tip of the flint, trying to kick his brain into gear so he could move on.

Suddenly a ‘whoosh’ from behind him and he spun around in panic. The flint fell to the floor and his feet managed to twist together, meaning he lost his balance and ended up falling to the floor in a tangle of limbs.

The door to his cell stood open and two figures stood in the doorway; he couldn’t make out their faces, but he instinctively knew they were not guards. The guards were always big, butch goons who didn’t go in for sinister standing around, they preferred swift punches and kicks.

“Rodney McKay,” His name sounded odd, it’d been so long since someone had called him it, “You have served your sentence and can now be released.” The two figures turned as though they were ready to leave.

“I-what?” He pushed himself to his feet again, ignoring the aches that sprang up from…everywhere. “What do you mean released?”

“You may leave.” One figure turned back towards him, but he still couldn’t see their face. He couldn’t tell if this was some sort of cruel joke or if they were being serious. He’d almost given up on the hope of ever being released, he’d just assumed he’d be here until he rotted away. In fact, there was a small insidious part of him that had started to wish that _would_ happen. After all, he had nowhere to go, no one to run home to after all this was done. It’d be better to die in a cell than have to try and find his way back to Atlantis. The city might not even be there anymore. That thought fanned the flames of the panic within him.

“But where am I going to go?” It had been decades since he’d last seen his team, he didn’t even know if they were in the Pegasus Galaxy anymore! He had no radio, no way of telling them it was him coming through the ‘Gate even if he could remember the address correctly.

“That is no concern of ours. _You_ are no longer our concern.” Once again the figures turned away and began to walk away, Rodney found his feet carrying him forwards towards them, desperate to stop them and get some answers.

“No – wait! I can’t…” Before he could finish his sentence the world dissolved around him. A pain started to build behind his eyes, he slapped his hands over them, pressing the heels of his hands hard against his eye sockets as white hot heat seemed to spread through his head. He thought his skull was going to crack in half the pain was so bad. His mouth fell open in a silent scream.

“Rodney?” Just like that the pain stopped. He didn’t dare open his eyes or remove his hand. “Rodney!” He knew that voice…but it couldn’t be. “For God’s sake, Rodney look at me!” Someone was trying to prize his hands away from his face; his first instinct was to fight, but there was something about that voice that stopped him in his tracks.

“John?” There was a sigh above him, relief maybe?

“Hey, buddy.” Finally he let his hands be pulled away from his eyes and he blinked them open. He was laid down in some sort of machine, it looked vaguely familiar, but right above him, gazing down at him was John Sheppard.

“I – you’re – how are you here?” The Colonel didn’t look like he’d aged a day. Rodney couldn’t stop himself from reaching up, only briefly aware that his muscles didn’t hurt like they should, and let his fingers brush across John’s chin. He could feel stubble, rasping gentle against the pads of his fingers, it all felt so real.

“Of course we’re here, we never left.” John looked worried. He used to be good at hiding his emotions, maybe twenty years had robbed him of that ability, just not his stupid, handsome face. Some people had all the luck.

“But you’re the same…” He felt so stupid, he couldn’t think properly, he could barely string a full sentence together. He had no idea what was going on, but if John had really been here for all this time why hadn’t he saved him, why hadn’t he broken him out before now?

“You may take Dr McKay now,” A new voice joined them and Rodney turned his head, blinking in confusion at the stranger stood in the room. “He has completed his correction.”

“His correction?” John practically growled, “What the hell did he do? What did _you_ do to him?!”

“John.” Rodney had to twist his neck further to try and find the source of the new voice: Teyla. Her tone was sharp, intended to remind John where they were but she looked worried. Rodney frowned, how could they not know what had happened?

“Dr McKay was tried and sentenced to twenty years imprisonment for espionage, he has served his sentence and is now fit to be released.” It was so matter of fact: sentence, jail and off you pop to go make some tea.

“Twenty years?” Rodney looked back at John, sensing the confusion. With a deep breath he forced himself to sit upright, closing his eyes as the world spun sickeningly. “He’s been in here ten minutes.” That was enough to force his eyes open; he was pretty sure he’d been here a lot longer than ten minutes! Surely they could see how much he’d aged, they just had to look at his hands. He put them out in front of him and blinked. They hadn’t changed. There were no liver spots, no cracks, no scars, no lines. Carefully he reached up to feel his face, searching for the wrinkles he’d come to know so well, but they weren’t there either. Well some of them were, if he was being honest but he’d had those way before he’d come to this planet.

“Our scientists have developed technology whereby we do not need to physically incarcerate our prisoners. Instead we insert memories within the mind of each prisoner, they are all created individually based on the prisoner themselves, no two experiences are the same. It is most effective. We have not experienced any re-offending since this was introduced.” The stranger was smiling, like she was proud. “Dr McKay was found in a restricted section and was punished for his actions accordingly. We hold no resentments, I assure you.”

“ _You_ might not.” His voice was barely above a whisper but he knew John had heard it, he could almost feel the anger radiating off his old friend in waves.

“We have not heard of such technology before, however perhaps it would have been a sign of friendship to have discussed the matter with ourselves, before sentencing Dr McKay.” Teyla, always the diplomat.

Rodney had had enough of this. He swung his legs over the side of the bed, or whatever he was on, and pushed himself to his feet. He swayed slightly and a hand gripped his shoulder, he turned his head and saw….Ronon. He’d almost forgotten about that guy. The Satedan looked like he was itching to start shooting things, his left hand was staying close to his holster whilst his right one stayed on Rodney’s shoulder, a steadying presence.

“That is not our way, Ms. Emmagan. The sentence must be dealt swiftly.”

John scoffed, determinedly ignoring Teyla’s sharp look. “Let’s go.” He stepped aside to allow Ronon to practically steer Rodney out of the room. On a normal day, twenty years ago, Rodney might have protested at this treatment but as it was he just let it happen. He allowed Ronon to move him through corridors, down stairs and then out into sunshine. It was like another world.

People were everywhere. There was so much noise. It was so bright.

He could feel his chest tightening, his breath quickening. He couldn’t cope with this. It was too much!

“Rodney?” Teyla was in front of him suddenly, she placed the palm of her hand to his cheek, forcing him to look at her. “Breathe.” He could do that. Yeah. Sure. He nodded, staring straight into her brown eyes as he tried to get control of his heartbeat. “We’re going to take you home.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I got a little excited and couldn't hold out a week to post the next chapter, so here you go. Thank you for your lovely kudos and comments so far, I really hope you'll enjoy the ride!

As Rodney stepped through the ‘Gate he felt the familiar, but almost forgotten, feeling of being pulled apart, atom by atom ready to be stuck back together again. God, he’d missed it. If he could have, in his current dematerialised state, he’d have released the biggest, deepest sigh in years as it truly dawned on him that he was going home. As it was he simply sped through the wormhole in billions of pieces, until he was put back together on the other side.

The first sense to come back to him was sound; the gentle click of his shoes on the cool floor followed by the hum of the city itself as it welcomed him home. He could feel Atlantis within him, reaching into every muscle, every recess, every tiny part of him. It was like she alone knew what he had been through, as though she understood him. He could feel calming whispers in his head, flashes of something that had to be reassurance as the city hummed around him.

Slowly he began to notice Teyla’s hand upon his back, the soothing warmth reaching through the material of a jacket which should have been ripped and ruined years before. Ever since his team had rescued him, he’d found himself reaching with his thumb for a well-worm hole in the cuff of his jacket, it had become a reflex over the past few years of his incarceration but instead of the comforting frayed edges or the little trails of string he could pull at, he kept coming up with soft fabric. It was almost like none of it had ever happened, like it wasn’t real.

But it _was_.

He’d been there.

He’d lived there for 20 years. You don’t just _make that up_.

It took him a moment to realise his eyes were closed, squeezed shut against the sudden brightness of the ‘Gateroom. His brow furrowed as the sharp sunlight and limited artificial light managed to sneak past his closed lids, causing tendrils of pain to creep through his brain. The pain was enough to send a spark of fear through him, his instinct telling him it was ‘fight or flight’ and flight really seemed like the better option.

On his back he could feel Teyla’s hand sliding away and he reached out, scrabbling blindly to grab her, to hold onto her in case this all turned out to be another dream, in case he woke up in a few seconds with his arms outstretched before him in his cell, the alarm sounding for the prisoners to wake and his face damp with tears.

Suddenly a warm, calloused hand grabbed his, holding it firmly and his body instantly relaxed. Even though he couldn’t see, his body knew who was there, it just took his brain time to catch up. He blinked his eyelids open cautiously and he saw his hand was held, not by Teyla, but by John.

Rodney blinked at the man before him, partly because of the sun streaming in from the windows and also out of surprise. John’s face was the picture of concern – his brow furrowed, his mouth a thin line…was it his imagination or was the tanned skin a little paler? No, that was probably his imagination, after all he hadn’t seen this man in decades, how was he supposed to remember exactly what he looked like?

The Colonel held his gaze and Rodney felt his panic subsiding; he forced a small smile onto his lips in a bid to reassure John that he was fine, but it didn’t seem to do the trick. Worry still swam behind John’s eyes and he didn’t let go of his hand. 

“Rodney?” The female voice behind John broke the moment, forcing the soldier to step out of the way, his hand dropping Rodney’s almost reluctantly and leaving the scientist’s fingers feeling cold.

“Elizabeth?” Rodney couldn’t keep the question from his voice. He knew her name, had dreamt about her so many times in his cell but here she was, right in front of him and just like the others she hadn’t aged a day. For the self-proclaimed smartest man in two galaxies he was starting to feel decidedly stupid.

“Hey,” The leader of Atlantis smiled at him, but he could see the concern hidden behind it. “You’ve had us all very worried.”

“I – yeah.” He didn’t know how to respond, for once he was speechless and it seemed to throw her. Even in captivity he’d always had something to say, some barbed comment to spit out…anything, even if it was begging for mercy.

“What do you say we get you to Carson? Let him take a look at you?” Her voice was so soft, so comforting. He’d forgotten that. All too often his dreams had involved her shouting, barking orders or reprimands. He’d forgotten this side to her.

He didn’t need to nod, he didn’t even need to give any sort of response, instead Teyla’s hand appeared back at his shoulder, John stepped closer to his side and behind him he heard Ronon take a step closer. His team. His eyes slipped closed again. They were here, he was home, he was safe. It was that last thought that seemed to shut his body down all together. His legs gave way and he dropped like a stone; it was only Ronon’s quick reflexes which caught him before he could hit his head.

As consciousness started to slip away he could feel his body being lifted, hoisted into an embarrassingly familiar position of being in another’s arms. This seemed to happen way too often and his final thought before he finally succumbed to the beckoning darkness was _‘Why is it always bridal style?’_

oooOOOooo

“I told you something wasn’t right.”

“Yeah, your Spidey sense was tingling, big guy, I know.”

“Spidey sense?”

“It’s a kid’s comic…like a cartoon… you know like the other one we watched, Scooby Doo? The one about the talking dog who solves mysteries.”

“Are dogs not pets? How would one solve a mystery?”

“Well, yeah they are, but this one helps out these kids who look after him. It’s a prime example of teamwork. But the dog’s mostly thinking about food, not mysteries.”

“Like McKay.”

“Ronon!”

“What? S’true.”

Rodney had been listening to the voices fade in and out for an age already, but he couldn’t hold a scoff back any longer. With difficulty he forced himself to swim back to full consciousness.

“Morning, sunshine.” John drawled from somewhere to his left. Rodney blinked his eyes open, his brow furrowing at the bright light seemingly right above his head. “Got enough beauty sleep? How’re you feeling?”

“Peachy.” The sarcasm didn’t sound the same even to him. He lifted his hand up to his face, gently scrubbing the sleep from his eyes and shielding them for a moment against the lights of what had to be in the infirmary.

He let his hand fall back to his side and finally had a good look at his teammates. This all felt a little like a dream still. It didn’t feel real. He couldn’t be here with them, not after all this time.

“It is good to see you awake, Rodney.” Teyla was stood at the foot of his bed, she was smiling down at him, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. To his right Ronon was sat on an empty bed, he wasn’t attempting to smile (somethings clearly hadn’t changed) but all three of them looked as though they’d been here a while. Their uniforms were rumpled and if he raised his head slightly he could see their TAC vests piled high on a chair across the room.

Before he could come up with a response for her someone else stepped into the room. Carson.

“Ah you’re awake at last, lad.” He’d missed that Scottish brogue. Sometimes during the nights he couldn’t sleep in his cell he’d imagined the doctor was there with him, chattering away about some kind of Highland adventure or fishing. “How’re you feeling?”

“Never better.” Why did everyone keep asking him that? Did they expect his answer to change?

“Aye, I bet.” Carson rolled his eyes, moving round to the side of the bed. “You’ve been through the mill again.” In another life he’d have been thrilled with his friend’s sympathy, but right now it stung.

“What happened?” He turned away from Carson, turning instead to his teammates. He needed someone to confirm what had gone on, but instead of responding they looked between one another, as though unsure of who should start…or where to start.

After what seemed an age John cleared his throat, leaning forwards in his chair so that he was a little closer to Rodney.

“We went to M34-901 again to sort out the finer details of our trade deal.” He paused, waiting for Rodney to give some sort of nod of murmur of ascent before he continued. “Well, at lunch you disappeared. We figured you were outside grabbing some fresh air or something, but the guards apparently found you in some sort of restricted area. They thought you were spying.” John shrugged, but Rodney could read the tension in his body. He was describing everything so calmly, so nonchalantly as though he were in a mission briefing but beneath the surface he was anything but. 

“Upon finding you they appear to have called their superiors and held a trial of sorts,” Teyla took up the story, glancing at John as he nodded his approval. “They sentenced you to twenty years imprisonment, however they have imposed a…unique system. They no longer have gaol facilities on the planet, instead they have created a machine which implants false memories within the…prisoner.”

To his right Carson scoffed loudly, shaking his head. It was clear he had heard this before, it seemed likely that they had already been debriefed.

“Once the implantation has taken place, the prisoner is released back into society with these memories of a punishment that did not occur.” Teyla paused for a brief moment, “They feel it has reduced their crime rates dramatically.”

“So…none of it was real?” It had felt so real. He could still remember the smell of the straw, the cool surface of the flint, he could still almost hear the shrieks and yells from his fellow prisoners.

“No.” Ronon had always been a man of few words.

“I – it felt real…” He swallowed against a sudden lump in his throat, letting his head fall back against the pillow. With a deep breath he closed his eyes – his brain just didn’t seem to be working properly. It couldn’t catch up quick enough.

“I’m sure it did, lad.” Carson’s hand was suddenly on his shoulder and Rodney couldn’t help the jerk his body gave at the contact. He felt the doctor swiftly remove his hand, but he didn’t dare open his eyes in case he saw yet more concern in his friend’s face. “Whatever they did…whatever their machine can do, it’s obviously effective. We’ve run some scans, just waiting for the results, see what options we have.”

Rodney nodded against the pillow. It was so odd to be laid in an actual bed. It had been so long since he’d last had a mattress…no, that wasn’t true. If what his team were saying was right then it was only a few days ago that he’d been asleep in his own bed.

“I think it’s time for you to have some peace and quiet, ey? Maybe get some more rest, whilst we wait for those scans to come back?” Rodney nodded again and he kept his eyes closed as he listened to the sounds of Carson chivvying his team out of the infirmary and towards their own beds. Once silence descended around him he risked peeking through his lashes; the room was clear of people now, even Carson must have headed back to his office.

With difficulty he pushed himself into a sitting position on the bed, trying not to tug out any of the monitoring equipment he was plugged into. He didn’t want to drag Carson back in here. He just needed a few minutes to try and get his head around this.

As he settled his back against the headrest he scrubbed a hand across his face. This all seemed a bit much.

None of it was real. Not a single minute of his time in that cell, in that prison had been real. Someone had gone into his head and put memories that didn’t belong in there.

Someone had messed with his brain.

His one asset and someone had screwed with it.

How could someone have done that? He hadn’t meant to trespass! He’d just been looking around and probably got a bit too engrossed in something. He couldn’t remember the details anymore, it had been hidden behind twenty years of lies. What could he have possibly been looking at that merited this sort of punishment?

A shiver ran down his spine – he could still remember everything about that prison so well. The smell still stuck in his nostrils, the sounds still rang in his ears in the silence. How could none of that be real? He knew he should be happy; he should be delighted that none of it actually happened, but the relief he’d felt when he’d come through the ‘Gate had faded now. He couldn’t seem to muster any positive emotion, it was all just…dark. Despair, anger and fear.

The fear was the worst. He could feel it gnawing at him, scraping along his insides as he found his thoughts naturally turning to what else they might have messed around with. What if they hadn’t stopped at just adding memories? What if they’d done more whilst they were there?

He had to find a way to deal with this, to compartmentalise. He had to get a handle on his emotions before they caused even more trouble. Since they’d arrived on Atlantis he’d gotten better at handling his panic, he’d learned ways of shoving it away, hiding it until it became either useful or the reason for it disappeared. He’d just have to do that again. He’d have to find a way to put this away somewhere, hide it out of sight until he got back to normal.

Yeah. It’d be fine. He’d be himself again soon.

If it wasn’t real, surely that would actually _help_ him, right? It didn’t happen, none of it did so he could just pick up where he left off. That thought should have been comforting, it should have helped to ease the worry seated deep inside him and he tried to convince himself that it did. He forced himself to lie back down, turning his head towards the doorway on instinct.

Carson was probably right, he just needed some sleep and he’d be back to normal. He’d be _fine_.

Rodney released another deep breath, trying to blow the negative emotions out of his body as…someone had told him to do years ago. His eyelids began to droop and he could feel sleep calling to him, nipping at his consciousness earnestly. He’d just have a nap and with any luck Carson would come back telling him there was nothing to worry about, they could get the memories out.

Finally he gave himself over to it, letting his mind quieten for just a while. As his eyes closed fully he missed the shadow lurking the doorway watching him as his body relaxed into slumber.


	3. Chapter 3

It was a week before Carson was satisfied that Rodney could leave the infirmary; he’d been deaf to Rodney’s protestations that he was fine, he’d ignored any acerbic comments or whinging. Some people would probably have called him a saint, but to Rodney he was purely the opposite. Surely the doctor could only be the spawn of Satan himself. He’d even forced the scientist to agree to counselling sessions with the resident shrink – there hadn’t been room for argument there, Rodney had been told if he didn’t go then he wouldn’t be allowed back to work or off world for the foreseeable future. There was no way he could cope without something to keep his mind occupied, so he’d agreed reluctantly.

He didn’t know what good seeing Heightmeyer was going to do, after all he hadn’t actually experienced anything. It was all fake. All he had were implanted memories and now he knew they weren’t real, well he’d be _fine_. He could just ignore them, push them aside, lock them away in a hidden corner of his mind just as he did for any other…unpleasant memories he might have. The majority of his childhood had been swept up there with a large, multi-padlocked door holding it back from ever causing issues. Why they couldn’t just let him go back to normal was beyond him!

When he’d finally stepped into his own quarters (he absolutely did not get lost on the way there, several times) he’d tried so hard not to notice the wave of relief that rolled over him. Whilst he _knew_ that he’d only been in here just over a week ago, his brain seemed determined to make him think it had been so much longer. If this kept on happening, then this was going to make getting back to normality a lot harder.

It had taken an enormous effort to stop himself from going through his belongings and instead he’d forced himself to sit at his desk and open his laptop, if he could start some work then he’d be fine. He’d get back into the swing of things easily enough.

Except when the screen had loaded, he’d simply stared at it, his fingers poised over the keyboard. Before him the ‘enter password’ screen was glaring at him, taunting him as it dawned on him that he couldn’t remember it.

Shit.

His fingers were resting on the letters, ready to start typing something which would have been as natural to him as breathing only two weeks ago. It had been then, that panic had begun to creep in. If he’d forgotten something as small as this, what else had he forgotten?

What else had they _made_ him forget?!

After twenty minutes of hoping, praying and stabbing at the keys, he’d succeeded in nothing more than locking his laptop and growing increasingly more frustrated. In the end he’d given up, storming out of his quarters and this was how he had now ended up in the canteen, staring down at his plate of food.

He’d calmed down a little during the walk from his quarters (it had been slightly longer than it should have since he’d gotten lost once or twice _again,_ but he wasn’t about to admit that), but the panic was still sitting heavy in his stomach. He couldn’t stop worrying about what else he might have forgotten.

He’d never really stopped to think about it before, he’d just assumed that he’d go back to work and pick up right where he left off. The whole time he’d been stuck in bed with Carson’s nurses poking and prodding him, he’d been desperate to get back to his laptop, get back to the lab and get back to normal.

But what if he couldn’t? What if he couldn’t remember how to do his job? What if he couldn’t use the tablet, or fix even the simplest of equipment because it had been pushed out of his head? He’d be useless. There’d be no point in him staying on Atlantis – he was only here for his intellect, he was well aware of that. Without that what good was he in the city?

Glumly he poked at the food with his fork. He’d been injured over the course of this expedition plenty of times, hell he’d even become addicted to Wraith enzyme, but his mind had normally always been intact. He could work through a broken arm, a concussion, even withdrawal (to some extent) but if he’d forgotten everything about his job there was little to no way back. It wasn’t like he could ask Zelenka to train him up.

With a sigh he picked up his knife, his mind wandering down a very dark path as he began to cut his meal into small chunks. So engrossed was he in his thoughts that he didn’t even notice when John sat down in the vacant seat opposite him. It was only when his friend cleared his throat that he spotted him, jumping slightly in his seat and his cutlery slipped from his fingers and fell onto the table with a clatter.

“Whoa, Rodney it’s just me.”

“Didn’t your parents ever teach you not to sneak up on people?” Rodney bristled, picking his knife and fork up once again and glaring across at the other man.

“I think we need to have a chat about your definition of sneaking.” John was smiling at him but Rodney could see the concern hiding just behind the façade. Why did everyone have to look at him like that, nowadays? He’d expected it in the infirmary, after all that’s how every patient was looked at but out here too?

He didn’t bother to reply, instead he simply continued to glare for another moment before he turned his attention back to his food. He’d finished slicing and he stabbed his fork into a small portion of meat before him, he hadn’t bothered to check what it was. He couldn’t even remember if he’d asked if there was citrus…

“So, Carson let you out?” Rodney couldn’t stop himself rolling his eyes.

“No, I’m still sat in a hospital bed.” He spat back, “Of course he did. There’s no reason to keep me holed up in there. There’s nothing wrong with me.” John lifted his hands in surrender and Rodney couldn’t help but feel a little awful for snapping. “Sorry.” He added, lifting his fork to his lips as he began to eat the first part of his meal. “It’s just been a long day.”

“What’s up?” John asked gently, shrugging off the apology and watching him with a well-schooled expression. The concern was there, hiding behind his eyes but at least it wasn’t written all over his face.

“Nothing,” His friend scoffed at that and Rodney sent him another glare. “I just –“ He trailed off, embarrassment causing his cheeks to flush in spite of himself. “I couldn’t get into my laptop.” His confession was almost a whisper and John had to lean closer to hear him and it then seemed to take him a moment to actually register the meaning.

“Wh – Oh. Crap, sorry Rodney.” He leant back, wincing in sympathy. Rodney shrugged in response, wishing he could pretend it wasn’t such a big deal but he knew John could see right through him. He’d know how much of a blow not being able to even get into his laptop was to him.

“It’s fine,” That’s all he seemed to say recently, “I can reset it later.” At least he hoped he could, it had been easy as pie before all this to get a laptop unlocked and a password reset but what if that had changed now too.

There was silence for a moment as Rodney poked at his food with his cutlery, he’d only eaten a small portion of it but he was already full. Even in the infirmary he hadn’t been able to eat much at any one time, it had been decades since he’d last eaten a full meal…he stopped his train of thought there. It wasn’t true. He’d last eaten a full meal only the other week.

“I can sort it for you, if you have trouble.” John’s words caused him to look up and he blinked at his friend, who was trying to look casual and for once in his life failing. “You talked me through it last month.”

“Oh.” He knew it was meant to be comforting, it was meant to be a friendly gesture but he could see the pity in it and the shame bubbled up within him. “Thanks.” He could feel warmth creeping up his neck and the embarrassment was curling in his stomach, making eating any further impossible. He grabbed one of the napkins he’d picked up with his food earlier, he laid it out flat next to his plate and slowly began to fill it with the small chunks of food left on his plate.

“Rodney?” John’s questioning tone forced him to look up, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he saw his friend’s expression. He was staring at the napkin Rodney had just set out with his head slightly tilted to one side, obviously trying to decide what to make of it. “What are you doing?”

It took the scientist a moment to realise what he was talking about, he looked between his friend and the napkin a few times before it sunk in. He’d been acting on instinct, he’d barely been conscious of what he was doing.

“Sorry.” He mumbled, grabbing the napkin and letting the food fall back onto his plate. He shifted uncomfortably in his chair as he felt John’s gaze slide back to himself. “Habit.”

“It’s a new one…”

“They –“ He cut himself off, unsure of what to say or how to begin to explain. “I know it’s not real. I know none of it happened, but I guess a habit’s hard to break anyway. The guards weren't exactly great at remembering to feed us, they'd sometimes go weeks without giving us a meal so I got used to just…eating as little possible and saving the rest.” His voice grew quieter with each word and he finally pushed his plate away. “But none of it was real. I just have to forget it. Move on.”

“Rodney –“ He cut John off with a shake of his head, the shame curling in the pit of his stomach slowly turning to irritation.

“Don’t, John,” Rodney snapped, “I’ve had enough pity. Pity for something that _wasn’t real!_ None of this happened, it’s all in my head.” It didn’t take long for his voice to rise, his irritation giving way to anger, “I don’t need everyone tiptoeing around me, I don’t need people telling me that because it’s in my head then it’s real for me, I don’t need people following me around the place and I don’t need you pitying me for something that _never happened_!” By the end he was yelling, his anger building to an almost uncontrollable level. It was a level he hadn’t experienced in years and he wasn’t sure he knew how to deal with it anymore.

“Rodney!”

“Stop it! Just stop!” Rodney pushed his chair away from the table with more force than was necessary and as he stood up it fell over, clattering to the floor and the noise echoed around the canteen. If people hadn’t been looking at him because of his shouting they certainly were now. He could feel their looks, their confusion, their bloody _pity_.

Blood was rushing in his ears, his heart was pounding in his chest. He needed to get out, get away from this, from John, from everything. Without another word he ran out of the canteen, leaving John sat at their table, staring after him.

oooOOOooo

It hadn’t taken long for Rodney to make his way back to his quarters, he’d run on auto-pilot and for the first time since he’d come back he found his way without getting lost once. He practically smashed his hand against the lock in his eagerness to get inside, to get between four walls which should offer him some semblance of comfort and safety.

The door hissed open and he ignored the flutter of reproach he could almost feel from the city at being mishandled in such a manner. She always had been funny about being slapped about, she’d always wanted people to be gentle…he’d forgotten that. He flung himself inside, letting the door slip shut behind him and mentally locked it behind him.

He knew he shouldn’t have blown up like that, especially not in the middle of the canteen. What would they think of him now? That he was either completely insane or unstable. As if they didn’t think that already. He was sure there were rumours flowing freely through the city about his situation and his ability to cope. He was proving half of them right already.

With a sigh he leant back against the closed door, tilting his head back against the cool metal and he closed his eyes, breathing deeply. His heart was still hammering in his chest but at least he couldn’t hear the blood pumping in his ears anymore. He flexed his hands at his sides as he focused on his breathing, taking a deep breath, holding it for ten seconds and then releasing it slowly. Just like he’d taught him.

Rodney’s eyes flew open at that and he felt his heart stutter. He couldn’t think about _him_. No. He’d promised himself he wouldn’t.

Slowly he slid down the door towards the floor, bringing his knees up to his chest as he finally seated himself. He had to get himself under control else he was never going to be able to stay here. He’d never be able to get back to work like this, they’d never trust him near a lab let alone other people.

Finally he managed to get his breathing regulated but he remained where he was, his knees hugged to his chest and he rested his forehead against them. From over by his desk he could hear a noise, it sounded like voices and he guessed it was his headset. He hadn’t put it on since he’d got back through the ‘Gate. No doubt John was trying to get in touch with him, or else he’d scuttled straight to Elizabeth to tattle on him. They were probably discussing him right now, planning ways to get him sent back to Earth at the next possible opportunity.

Time seemed to slip past him, he had no idea how long he stayed like that but eventually his knees started to rebel. He stretched his legs out in front of him, rubbing his kneecaps absentmindedly before he made to stand up. He used the door to support him as he dragged himself upright and then moved towards his headset, which was still bleating at him.

He lifted it up, staring at it in disgust before he clipped it over his ear and immediately regretted it. John’s voice was twittering way too loudly at him.

“I’m here, Colonel.” He sighed and flinched at the snapped retort he received. Apparently John had been calling him for ages, had even knocked on his door but hadn’t had any answer. That made him blink…he hadn’t heard anyone knock on the door.

After a minute of silence following John’s announcement he apologised, said that he’d dozed off when he got back and this seemed to appease him. The call ended awkwardly, he knew that John wanted to ask if he could come and see him, or at least see him tomorrow, but Rodney cut him off before any such offer could be given.

He unhooked the earpiece and let it fall back to the desk with a clatter. His laptop still sat there innocently but he didn’t dare try to get in there again, not yet anyway. The way he was feeling he’d probably end up throwing it at the wall. Instead he moved to the window and stared out at the city and the ocean beyond.

The waves were lapping at the edges of the city – before this mission that sight alone would have been enough to calm him. Now it barely did anything. He’d spent so long wishing, longing, dreaming about being back in Atlantis and now he was here…he didn’t know what to do.

The sun was setting just beyond the ocean, the sky a brilliant red flecked with gold. How long had it been since he’d seen this? How many times had he wished for one last look at the Atlantian sun sinking beneath the horizon?

He shook his head sharply, his anger bubbling once again in the pit of his stomach. He’d been here a couple of weeks ago before this mission. He had _not_ been locked in a prison for twenty years! It was all in his bloody head and he hated it. He just wanted the memories gone, he wanted to go back to normal.

Rodney stayed at the window as the sun set properly, disappearing beneath the ocean and he watched the stars started to twinkle above. He tried to remember the constellation names the Athosians had come up with that Teyla had taught him once but, like so much at the moment, it appeared he’d forgotten them. The Agrathi had really screwed him over.

Eventually he turned from the window and moved to his bed, kicking off his shoes and grabbing a pillow and his blanket to place them both on the floor. Without thinking he lay down atop his blanket and let his head fall onto his pillow; he could still remember the feel of the rock he’d used as a pillow in his cell. He could still feel the straw and sand scratching his skin as he lay in his tattered clothes.

_No. Not real. Not real, Rodney._

He squeezed his eyes shut and before he even knew what had happened he’d dropped off to sleep. If he’d been hoping that sleep would help he was sadly mistaken. It was a restless night as he tossed and turned upon the blanket, his fingers gripping and curling into the fabric as nightmares assailed him.

As the clock on his bedside table hit 3am he jolted awake, sweat beaded on his forehead and dripping down the back of his neck. He was panting heavily and he could feel his whole body shaking. His wide eyes darted around the room in terror, trying to find the evils that had plagued his dreams but obviously they weren’t here. It didn’t give him much relief though, he could still feel his heart hammering in his chest and his breathing was becoming more laboured.

Shit, he was panicking.

It was like an arm was squeezing his chest, making it almost difficult to breathe. He tried to choke down a gulp of air but it didn’t seem to ease it at all.

_“Calm, Rodney. Calm.”_ A voice floated through his mind and he felt his shoulders relax almost instantly. _“Remember.”_ Without thinking he stood as quickly as his shaking legs would allow and stumbled to his desk, he pulled open a drawer and dug around until he found a marker pen. He pulled it out and lurched towards one of the walls. He tugged the top off the marker and began to write, his breathing slowly beginning to calm with each letter and number he applied to the wall.

Equations had been his saviour in his cell. Any nightmares he’d had could be chased away by them, any pain from beatings could be overcome by fixing his mind on a problem.

He couldn’t begin to figure out how long he stayed like that, his scribblings spreading across the wall until his heart rate finally returned to normal and the sun started to peek over the horizon again. As calm return he could almost feel a presence in his room, a person stood in the shadows behind him watching. As he finished his last equation he could practically feel the shadow smile.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The meetings between Rodney and Kate just seemed to demand dialogue-only, so I hope you enjoy the little change in style! Only a short chapter today, but I'll make it up to you with a few more chapters during the week.

“So Rodney, how have you been?”

“Really? That’s how we’re going to start this? I thought shrinks had to go through intensive courses to do this job, hardly the most difficult question in the world to ask.”

“Rodney, deflecting isn’t going to make this go any quicker.”

“I’m not deflecting, simply noting that it’s obviously not exactly hard to train up in your ‘job’ if that’s the best you can start with.”

“Would you rather we started with more probing questions? Would you rather I ask you to detail the exact reasons why you’ve come to see me?”

“You know why I’m here. Elizabeth and Carson have _forced_ me here.”

“They requested you come and see me.”

“Same difference. They won’t let me work until I’ve proven I’m not insane.”

“No one’s questioning your sanity, Rodney. You’ve been through an extraordinary ordeal, something none of us have experienced before, everyone wants to help you work through it so you can move forwards.”

“I didn’t go _through_ anything. I got arrested for trespassing and then some idiot decided to start messing about with my brain. All that’s happened is they’ve shoved memories in there that shouldn’t - that _don’t_ belong in there. I didn’t experience any of it.”

“Those memories are still a part of you. They’re not going to go away and you can’t pretend that they’re not going to affect you in some way.”

“I won’t let them.”

“You can’t guarantee that.”

“Yes I can. I know they’re not real, I’m well aware that what…that those memories didn’t actually happen, and because of that I can forget them.”

“Rodney…those memories, that time you spent in prison – “

“I didn’t spend any time in prison.”

“What they implanted in your mind, from what Carson and Colonel Sheppard have explained, it’s not just a case of someone slotting false memories in your mind. This was a sophisticated process, almost like a simulation. Your actions, your choices, even your personality affected the outcome. It’s an individual experience for every person subjected to it. Whatever you may have felt in there it was real in some sense and, however much you may want to deny it, it’s affecting your present and it will affect your future.”

“…”

“Rodney, I’m here to help you. I’m here to listen to whatever you want to say. I’m not trying to push you or hurt you. I can’t begin to imagine what you might have gone through, but all I – all any of us – want to do is to help you.”

“And I don’t get a choice in it.”

“In what?”

“In being helped.”

“Do you not want to be helped?”

“Maybe I don’t deserve it.”

“Why would you not deserve it, Rodney?”

“Because maybe I’m not the man I was before I stepped through the ‘Gate. Maybe I’m not the same person you’re all so desperate to get back.”

“You’re still you, Rodney, no matter what may have happened during that mission, the real you hasn’t changed.”

“How would you know? You don’t _know_ me. _None_ of you do. You don’t know what I’m like, what I’m capable of!”

“And what are you capable of?”

“...I don’t know.”


	5. Chapter 5

Elizabeth would have preferred to have had this meeting in her office, it would have certainly made her feel more comfortable given the conversation they had to have. At least in there she could have fiddled with something on her desk, been conscious of the expedition members located just across the gangway, whereas in the debriefing room she was almost beginning to feel claustrophobic. She knew it was partly her dislike of the discussion they had to have coupled with the palpable tension in the room that was causing it, but that didn’t make it any easier to handle.

Within the room she had most of her senior team, with one notable omission. John sat to her right, swiveling his chair from one side to the other, with Radek next to him, Carson was on her left with Kate sat next to him.

“Okay, shall we start?” Elizabeth asked finally as the doors to the briefing room hissed shut and all eyes turned to watch her. “I wanted to get us all together in one room to discuss…Rodney’s situation.”

That was enough to cause the tension in the room to increase and she could see John shift in his seat out of the corner of her eye.

“Carson, can we start with you? Have you found out anything more about these false memories?” She turned her gaze onto her chief medical officer, who responded with a grimace.

“Not really. It’s sophisticated, I’ll tell you that. They know a damn sight more about the brain than we do, that’s for sure. From what Colonel Sheppard’s mentioned the Agrathi seem to create simulations or memories for their prisoners and run them through that, but without someone studying the machine they used, or finding some Ancient do-dad that can explain it to me…I can’t give you a more comprehensive answer.”

This wasn’t what Elizabeth had been hoping for, but it was the one she’d been expecting. Whatever they’d used to do this to Rodney was incredibly complex and sophisticated, it was well beyond Earth technology - they still had a long way to go to truly understand half of the Ancient tech on Atlantis, let alone any that might be off-world.

“If it was a simulation then it would have to have been time-compressed,” Radek spoke up from her right and she looked over, tilting her head slightly to one side as she listened, “That could have been taken from Ancient technology, we have seen evidence of similar workings before.” The scientist shrugged, glancing between the four others in the room before falling silent again.

“Okay, so I’m guessing since we don’t know how they got in there, we can’t get them out?” John addressed his question to both Carson and Radek but his expression told that he knew the answer already.

“I wouldn’t be confident in trying to do anything with them, Colonel,” Carson sighed, “There’s no tumour or anything we could cut out and even if there were, where they’re likely to be placed…it’s too risky. We might get those memories out but we might end up…losing the rest of Rodney in the process. I couldn’t…” He trailed off and a shiver crept up Elizabeth’s spine at the words left unsaid.

“Of course not, Carson,” She replied, smiling softly at him before she clasped her hands together on the desk, “So we know we can’t remove them, which means we need to help Rodney move forwards. Kate, I know you’ve had your first meeting with him already, respecting patient confidentially,” Kate smiled at those words, “How do you think he’s doing?”

There was a moment of silence which worried Elizabeth, she watched the counsellor intently as she seemed to collect her thoughts.

“You all know what Rodney was like before, he’s not the easiest person to get to open up,” Next to her Carson chuckled and John snorted, breaking the tension momentarily. “But I’m concerned that he’s holding a lot back from me, from all of us. Obviously, I can’t go into details about what we’ve talked about, but I think he experienced some real traumas and I think the hardest part will be to get him to accept that, implanted or not, those things are real for him.”

Elizabeth swallowed at those words, raising her arms at the elbow so she could rest her chin against her clasped hands. They’d had a few of their members experience imprisonment on other worlds, but Rodney had apparently experienced twenty years of…whatever they did to him: torture, neglect…they could have done anything to him in that time. It didn’t bear to think about and yet they _had to_.

“He told me they’d starve him sometimes.” There was barely supressed anger in John’s voice and Elizabeth turned her head sharply to look at him.

“What?” She breathed, her eyebrows rising in shock.

“The other day I found him in the canteen – you know McKay, you put food in front of him and he inhales it, but this time he was cutting it up. Before he…left he started putting it in a napkin, like he was gonna take it out or something. He said they’d go weeks without food sometimes, so he got used to eating a little and saving the rest.” John’s hand seemed to twitch on the table before him, as though he had an impulse to slam it on the table, but he resisted. She watched as he balled his hand into a fist and brought it back towards him, letting it sit in his lap innocently. His control was admirable, especially as she could easily read his anger in his face.

“That explains his meals in the infirmary.” Carson added after another moment of silence, “The nurses did'nae know what to make of it. He’s the only person I know who loves hospital food, but they’d been noticing he was eating a lot slower. The plates were always empty…but God knows where he’s hidden it.”

“Unfortunately, I think that’s just the tip of the iceberg,” Kate sighed, a pained expression on her face. “It’s going to take time and we’ll have to be patient. I think the biggest challenge will be moving Rodney through his fear, I think that’s what’s holding him back.”

Kate glanced between each of their faces, all were watching her intently. Elizabeth knew the counsellor was wishing she could provide something more concrete, something more hopeful but they all knew it’d be baby steps with their Chief Scientist for a while now.

“Rodney has always prided himself on his brain,” Radek spoke up suddenly, turning his head to Elizabeth, “He knows his brain is what picked him for this expedition, what brought him so far. If someone has tampered with it…his fear is understandable. I do not believe I would react better.” He shrugged, his expression an odd mix of sympathy and disgust. Elizabeth felt a rush of warmth towards him, she knew that Radek and Rodney didn’t always see eye to eye (Rodney and _many people_ didn’t always see eye to eye) but that he was willing and prepared to see things from the other man’s point of view…it was evidence enough of a friendship, one that she was sure Rodney would value highly if he thought about it properly.

“I think you’re exactly right, Radek,” Kate smiled across at him, drawing his gaze and causing the smallest of blushes to rise in his cheeks, “His fear probably stems from the fact that the Agrathi have meddled with what he considers his biggest asset. We’ve got no way of knowing the full extent of what they’ve done during the procedure, perhaps that unknown is feeding everything else.”

“Yeah, Rodney doesn’t do too well with ‘unknowns’.” John lifted his hands and air quoted, causing Carson to let out a huff of laughter.

“Okay, so we know this is going to take time and we’re just going to have to focus on being there for Rodney when he needs us,” Elizabeth put an emphasis on the ‘when’; she knew it wouldn’t be an if. Rodney might take a while to come to them, but eventually he would need a hand to work through everything and she, for one, would be right there waiting. “I don’t want him returning to active duty until you’re happy, Kate, that he’s beginning to make some progress.” Kate nodded at her, “But we’re not going to be able to keep him out of the labs for much longer. Radek, I think we’ll need to have a separate discussion about access and getting him settled.” The scientist shifted uncomfortably in his chair – she could guess the idea of talking about his boss like he was a new starter was not exactly going to be pleasant for him.

With that she dismissed the other four, allowing them to wander out of the briefing room, only Carson and Kate conversing with one another as they left. Soon she was left at the table alone, the doors open to the corridor beyond but the atmosphere still felt oppressive.

After a moment she lifted her arms, resting her elbows on the table and rested her head in her hands. This whole situation was insane, but then again nothing that had happened to them so far in Pegasus could be considered in the least bit _sane_. She wished they could do more for Rodney, that they could get those memories out of his head without any risk, but they were powerless in the face of such technology. This was almost becoming the norm now; over and over again they were confronted with technology way beyond their understanding and people she cared about, people she was sworn to lead and protect were suffering because of it.

There were times when she wondered if it was worth it. Perhaps they should have left the lost city as it was: lost. They could have carried on as before on Earth and left the Wraith and this whole galaxy be, but it was too late for that now. They had to make do.

It took a couple of minutes to pull herself back together, she knew she couldn’t leave here looking anything other than calm and professional. It wouldn’t do for any members of the expedition to know how hard this was hitting her, how much she was questioning…well, everything.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little warning if anyone suffers from emetophobia (like my husband) you may want to avoid this chapter, or at least the middle of it

Rodney woke with a start; something clattered to the floor and he turned his head in time to see his marker pen rolling away. His back was killing him, his legs were stiff where they’d been bent at an angle for too long and his head was pounding in time with his heartbeat. With a soft groan he stretched his legs out in front of him, using the wall against his back for support before realising that he must have fallen asleep slumped against this very wall.

Slowly he lifted his hand to his face, rubbing at his eyes to try and clear some of the gunk that had developed and the mist that seemed to have descended in his mind. He couldn’t really remember much of last night and he definitely couldn’t remember falling asleep right here. As he let his arm fall back to his side he stared across the room at the far corner, his brow furrowing as a chill settled in his spine.

What the hell had happened?

Slowly, like a wave creeping up the shore, his memory came back to him. There were initially flashes of the nightmare, the same one which had been haunting him since he’d been released from the infirmary, and then he had glimpses of scrabbling away from his makeshift bed and to the wall. It had become a routine now. He’d be woken by a nightmare, sweating and shaking and the only way to calm himself would be the scribble on the walls until he got a grip on his control again.

It seemed like this time his exhaustion had carried him back to sleep against his will and he’d just slid down the wall in a heap. That certainly wouldn’t do his aching joints any good and his mind didn’t feel any calmer for the little extra sleep he’d been able to grab.

With a great sigh he began to push himself upright, wincing at the creaking he could practically hear in his knees. As he got upright his vision began to swim, the room seeming to rock from one side to the other. He slammed his eyes shut, clenched his teeth and sucked in breaths between them. It didn’t take long for things to settle, but it was enough to set his stomach off.

He practically ran to the bathroom, ignoring his protesting joints as he went, and just managed to reach the toilet in time. He threw up what little he’d eaten recently into the bowl before retching bile. The acid burnt his throat as he hunched there, heaving and shaking, again. God, he was really being pathetic. He couldn’t keep on behaving like this, not if he wanted to actually get back to work. Not if he wanted to get back to normal.

When he felt secure that no more stomach contents were going to make an unwelcome appearance he sat back, wiping his mouth with the back of one of his hands. His head was still throbbing but hopefully a few painkillers would cure that. With that thought he pushed himself to his feet once more, slower this time to try and make sure he didn’t have a repeat performance, flushed away the evidence and moved to the small cabinet he had next to his sink.

The Ancient bathrooms had been fairly simple when they’d first moved in, but after their first trip back to Earth he’d managed to grab a small cabinet from IKEA and had brought it back on the Daedalus without anyone noticing. Thank God for flat pack! He’d assembled it and had, after a lot of trial and error, been able to fix it to the wall. Now he kept all his most immediate supplies in there: bandaids, medicines, epi-pens, powerbars. It was a treasure trove, to be honest, and Carson would probably kill him if he knew some of the stuff he’d squirreled away in here.

This time all Rodney pulled out was the small ibuprofen bottle, tipped a couple of pills onto his hand and swallowed them whole. Muscle memory was a wonderful thing. He replaced the bottle and leant down to the sink tap, swallowing down a few gulps of water to wash away the bitter taste in his mouth.

It had been three and a half weeks since he’d returned to Atlantis and he couldn’t decide if it felt more like a lifetime or thirty seconds. Time seemed to hold no real meaning for him anymore, it was like whatever the Agrathi had done to him had messed with his perception of everything. It was as though every day he discovered something new they’d ruined or taken from him and for what? For looking through some poxy door!

Before all this he’d been happy – that might not sound a lot, but happiness wasn’t really a state of mind he’d achieved much before Atlantis. He’d enjoyed his work, of course, but what he had here had been so much more than that. He’d had friends for what felt like the first time in his life. He had people who cared about him for more than his intellect, people who loved him.

Well, they had. Before all this.

With care he left the bathroom, taking his time to move back into the bedroom on shaky legs. His gaze fell on the blanket-less bed in the centre of the room and his back throbbed in protest. He knew he should be getting back onto his orthopaedic mattress, that sleeping on the floor wouldn’t be doing his back any good at all, but once again he had this new habit he couldn’t seem to break. The bed was too comfy. He’d gotten used to a hard floor, straw and sand beneath him and it was difficult to even attempt sleep on anything softer.

The pillow and blanket lay in a heap on the other side of the bed, where he’d left them in his late-night scramble to escape the fear that had gripped him. He knew he needed to get a control on his nightmares before they started causing even more problems. He’d never been the world’s best sleeper, preferring multiple vats of coffee over a good night’s rest but if this continued much longer it wasn’t going to help matters.

Somewhere in his mind he heard a voice, the voice that always sounded like Teyla, telling him that maybe he should let Heighmeyer know about them. She could probably talk him through them, or at least give him some sort of tips. Or he could go to Carson, get some of the good drugs and just fall into a dreamless sleep. Yeah, that voice was turning into Ronon now.

In spite of himself he felt a small smile tug at the corner of his lips. His team had always been a bright spot during this whole thing, one of the few things that had kept him going during those long years. There had been times when he’d just been able to close his eyes and hear their voices in his head, he could almost hold whole conversations with them right there in his cell.

Although that wasn’t quite right. The smile slipped from his face as quickly as it had appeared. There had been times – dark times – when he’d hated them. He’d despised everything about them. Because they’d left him. Left him to rot in that cell. Except they hadn’t. Because none of it had happened.

A growl escaped him and he kicked out at the bed, but all this succeeded in doing was causing his foot to join his back, knees and head in throbbing. All he’d wanted to do since he got back was forget about all this – he’d hoped that learning that these were false memories would let him just push them aside, but it wasn’t working.

Slowly he sank down on the bed, his elbows resting on his knees and he let his head fall into his hands. He could feel tears prickling at the back of his eyes and, finally, he gave in and let them fall. He felt them trickle down his cheeks, falling to his lap or else rolling down his neck to join the dried sweat which had dampened his shirt collar a few hours before.

He hadn’t cried the entire time he’d been back on Atlantis. Not once.

To be honest he rarely cried before this. It was a sign of weakness, one he couldn’t have afforded to show when he was younger, and definitely not one to indulge in out here. But right now, sat in his bedroom, he couldn’t hold them back anymore. He let them fall, running down his face in rivers, until he was left desperately trying to suck in breaths between sobs.

Why did this have to happen to him? Why was he the one who had to deal with this when there were hundreds, thousands, maybe even millions out there who were a lot stronger than him? There were people out there who’d be able to deal with this, move past it and get on with their lives. Why did he seem to be unable to do that?

Rodney had no idea how long he stayed there, but eventually his sobs evened out into hiccups and it felt as though he’d cried every last drop of moisture out of his body. Eventually he lifted up his hand and rubbed at his face with his hands, trying to scrub off the tears from his skin.

_“Rodney.”_ He froze on the bed and the hairs on the back of his neck pricked straight up.

“You’re not real.” He replied but any conviction he felt was hampered by the crack in his voice. He refused to turn round, refused to do more to acknowledge the shadow he knew was stood behind him.

_“You know that’s not true.”_ Rodney didn’t waste another second, he grabbed his uniform from the floor where he’d dumped it the night before, shucked off his pyjamas and changed as quickly as he could. He still refused to turn around even though he could hear the shadow sighing at him, trying to attract his attention again.

_“Rodney, please - ”_ He didn’t let the shadow carry on its sentence, instead he grabbed his earpiece almost without thinking and hurried out of his room and practically ran down the corridor, trying to put as much distance between the two of them.

He couldn’t be here. He wasn’t real.

Rodney quickly placed his earpiece in position and tried to calm his breathing back down. When he reached a particularly reflective piece of wall he stopped, turning to look in and gauge how bad he looked. He spent a few moments rubbing at his face, trying to hide the paleness of his skin but his eyes were still red and his hair…well, it was thinning enough as it is, he could probably get away with it being a little all over the place.

Once he was assured that he’d probably pass for the moment he took a deep breath and started to move off again. He didn’t bother looking over his shoulder. He could already tell the shadow was behind him.


	7. Chapter 7

“Rodney! This is a surprise.” Elizabeth had looked up at the soft knock on the glass wall of her office and she had certainly been shocked to see Rodney McKay on the other side of it. She had barely seen him since he’d left the infirmary, and that wasn’t for lack of trying on her side. She’d tried to run into him in the canteen, gone to his quarters, tried every place she could think of but hadn’t been able to find him.

He looked almost sheepish as he stood in the doorway, which wasn’t something she would usually expect from her Chief Scientist. Rodney was many things, but very rarely unsure of himself. Unless it came to emotions, then he seemed completely lost at sea.

“How can I help?” She asked, leaning back in her chair and gesturing towards the vacant one on the other side of her desk. As Rodney sat she gathered up a few of the loose papers which had slipped out of the files she was reading and put them away, moving the files to her in tray. When she looked back up she caught Rodney watching her, a slight frown marring his features. “Rodney?” She prompted again and he seemed to shake himself out of whatever thoughts had popped into his head.

“I was wondering when I could get back to work?” It came out in a rush, a tumble of words as though he didn’t really want to ask the question but did so anyway. Elizabeth schooled her expression into one of neutrality before she replied, her mind whirring with the best way to break this.

“I don’t want you rushing back into work so soon, Rodney,” He scoffed but she carried on, refusing to allow him to interrupt, “It’s not even been a month, Rodney and I think we should be focusing more on your recovery than on work at the moment. I know, I know,” She raised a hand quickly to stifle another interruption, “Your work is important to you, believe me I’m aware of that, but _you_ are more important to us. Your sessions with Doctor Heightmeyer have only just started and once she feels comfortable that you’re ready to start work again then we’ll start moving forwards.”

Elizabeth could practically feel the irritation rolling off her friend in waves, he was almost vibrating with indignation in his seat, one of his legs beginning to bounce up and down slightly, but he had to have known what her answer would be. They had only the barest idea of the stress and strain he had been put under on Agratha, and there was no way she would authorise him back into the labs until they were sure that he could handle it.

“Rodney, I know it might not be what you wanted to hear,” She soothed, sympathy working its way into her tone and into her expression. “But it’s the best thing to do in this situation.”

“The best thing for whom?” He asked, shaking his head. “I can’t just sit around all day with nothing to do, Elizabeth, if I’ve got work, something to focus on it’ll help me a whole lot more than sitting with some shrink a couple of times a week!” His voice rose the longer he spoke and she couldn’t stop herself glancing towards the control room to make sure no one was watching them.

“I understand your frustration but if I let you go back to work now you’ll bury yourself in it to try and force all of these feelings, all these emotions away, which isn’t the healthy way to deal with this.”

“How do you know what’s healthy for me?!” Rodney was yelling now and out of the corner of her eye she began to see heads turning towards them through the glass windows. “Work is good for me, work helps me. If I can’t work, what use am I? I might as well be shipped off back to Earth!”

Elizabeth raised her hands in a placating gesture – she still had hopes of diffusing the situation before it got any worse, although the colour that was fast rising in the scientist’s cheeks and creeping up his neck was starting to dampen those.

“Rodney, if you were in my shoes you would make the exact same choices. We all want you back at work and getting back to a routine, but at the moment I don’t think that’s the best scenario for you. Your wellbeing is too important.”

“My wellbeing?!” He cried incredulously, pushing himself out of the chair and beginning to pace around the room. “This has got to be a first. Since when did any of you give a damn about my wellbeing?! It’s always been “Do this, Rodney”, “Fix that, McKay”, “Quicker, Faster!” and now suddenly you want to pretend that you’ve got my best interests at heart?

“Elizabeth, whatever they did to me on that planet it wasn’t real. I’m getting sick of people saying it was, trying to force me into feeling something that I don’t! I’m not some newbie who’s just back from their first mission – this isn’t the first time I’ve had weird experiences off-world and I’m definitely not the only one either. I don’t see anyone else being made to ‘take it easy’ and kept away from doing what they’re actually good at!” All Elizabeth could do during this rant was sit and watch, trying to keep her face impassive.

“If I was just some grunt who came back through the ‘Gate like this you’d be pushing me back out into the field within a couple of weeks. But no, because I’m _only_ a scientist _I’m_ the one being forced into therapy and kept away from the one thing that could actually help me feel better! You have no idea what’s best for me, you don’t even know what’s best for this whole expedition, how the hell anyone could even _think_ that you would be a good choice for a leader I’ll never know! You need more than tea and sympathy out here!”

“Okay, that’s enough, Rodney.” Elizabeth kept her voice level, refusing to be baited even though his words stung. “I think this is evidence enough of why I won’t be letting you back into the labs yet. We’ll have another discussion about this when you’ve had time to cool down.” She knew there was a gathering crowd across the gangway in the control room but she ignored them, instead gesturing towards the door in a clear indication that Rodney should leave.

He stood in the middle of her office for a moment, breathing heavily and glaring at her before eventually he took the hint and stormed out. If there had been a door to her office he’d have slammed it shut behind him, of that she had no doubt. She stood to watch him leave – she could see him barge his way through the stunned onlookers without so much as an ‘excuse you’ and before long he’d broken into a run and disappeared from view.

With that she turned her gaze to the crowd on the other side of the glass, raising an eyebrow at them until they had dispersed back to their normal duties. This would be all over the city in minutes – the gossip mill was incredibly effective here, unfortunately.

Elizabeth turned back to her desk and rested her hands atop the surface, letting her head droop down and taking a deep breath. That was definitely not how she’d been hoping the conversation would go. She’d been hoping they could be civilised and Rodney would at least understand some of her concerns, but his outburst had left her more worried than ever. He’d always been difficult but there’d always been a level of respect between them which stopped him from subjecting her to the full force of his vitriol. 

Once she had collected herself again, she pushed herself away from the desk and clicked her headset; she needed to contact Kate.

oooOOOooo

Rodney ran through the corridors, barely caring if he bumped into anyone on the way and completely ignoring any shouts that came after him. His head was thumping still and his anger burned hot in his belly.

How could she do this to him?! How could she be so unreasonable?! All he wanted was to try and get back to work in an attempt to get back to normal, but apparently he couldn’t even be trusted with that.

That had to be it. They didn’t trust him anymore. Maybe they thought the Agrathi had done more than just implant memories in his head. Maybe they thought he was a danger to the city now…maybe they weren’t totally incorrect in that assumption.

Eventually he had to stop and he leant heavily against the wall of the now deserted corridor he’d found himself in, panting as his head pounded in time with his rapid heartbeat. It had been a stupid idea to go and see Elizabeth really. He should have kept away because he sure as hell had ruined any chance he may have had of convincing her he was fine now.

He stayed there for what felt like an eternity but could only have been a few minutes, until his breathing became more regulated and his anger was finally replaced by shame. He’d really put his foot in it this time. The things he’d said…whilst he might believe some of them, it was pretty stupid to have voiced them out loud and to have voiced them _so_ loud.

He really was an idiot. For the self-confessed smartest man in two galaxies, how had he been so incomparably stupid? If he wanted people to take him seriously then getting mad and yelling was hardly the way to do that, he just came across deranged! Except he didn’t seem to be able to control his temper anymore. If something rubbed him the wrong way this red mist just sort of descended and he couldn’t control what he was saying anymore. At times it was like there was some sort of monster inside him, holed up deep within him and ready to raise its head and strike at the smallest provocation.

Rodney brought his hands to his face and scrubbed them across his eyes, as though trying to rub the memories of the last half hour away. By now Elizabeth would have been in touch with Heightmeyer. She’d have told her what had happened and this would all be dragged up in his next session. Once again he’d be told that Agratha had affected him more than he was willing to accept. Once again someone would be telling him what and how to feel.

“Why can’t they just leave me alone?” He hissed to the empty corridor, letting his arms fall back to his sides as he tilted his head back against the wall.

“Because they care about you, Rodney, you know that.” His head snapped back down at the words and it didn’t take long to spot _him_ a little further down the corridor. He wasn’t bathed in shadows this time, instead he was almost haloed in light falling from a nearby window. He looked like an angel…Rodney felt his stomach twist at that thought.

“What would you know?” He spat back, more venom in his voice than he thought possible considering the fear that was licking at his very being at just seeing the other man.

“Come on, Rodney, I heard enough stories about them to know how close you all are.” The figure walked closer, moving into the more artificial lighting which at least managed to drop the angelic quality around him. He looked more human now…well, not human with his pale green skin but at least more normal than before.

“You didn’t hear anything. You’re not real.” Rodney pulled himself tighter to the wall the closer the other man came to him, trying to put as much distance between them as he could.

“Maybe not physically,” The figure shrugged, “But I exist in your head so that must make me real in some sort of sense.”

“A hallucination is not real in _any_ sense.” He’d been hoping he could just ignore the man, if he kept to the shadows then he could be hidden away but here he was right in front of him. Rodney knew he shouldn’t be talking to him, interacting with a hallucination was never a good idea but he wasn’t able to stop himself.

“You could have worse hallucinations.” The figure shrugged again, a hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. The smile that had used to bring an answering one to Rodney’s face. Not anymore.

“I’m not sure about that. A dead man’s not really great company.” That got rid of the smile and the scientist couldn’t help but feel a horrid sort of satisfaction.

“Rodney, you need to talk to them.” The figure’s voice was so calm, so kind, just like he remembered. He had only ever had Rodney’s best interests at heart and here he was again, trying to help him out once more. He didn’t deserve it. “They can help you, but you have to let them. You know it’s not going to help anyone if you carry on like this. _Please_.”

Rodney caught his gaze and they stared at one another for a long while, Rodney’s thoughts whirring at an erratic pace. He couldn’t tell them everything. They’d never look at him in the same way again.

“They’re your friends, Rodney, just like I was and we’re just trying to help you.”

“Yeah. And look what happened to you!” He snarled and without a second thought Rodney pushed himself off the wall and shoved past the figure, ignoring the fact that his shoulder went straight through him.


	8. Chapter 8

“Rodney, do you want to tell me about your meeting with Elizabeth?”

“Not really.”

“She told me you’re anxious to get back to work.”

“I bet that’s not all she told you.”

“I’m not going to tell you off, Rodney. Anger is a natural reaction after traumatic events and we both know how much your work means to you. It’s only natural that you want to get back to it as quickly as possible.”

“And yet everyone’s stopping me from doing that.”

“We’re trying to find the best way to enable it. You’ve already mentioned to me little things that twenty years away from Atlantis have made you forget – “

“So you don’t trust me to remember how to do my job? Great.”

“That’s not what I’m saying, Rodney. Your abilities haven’t changed, but we have to approach this as if you’ve had a long-term absence from everything. If you had a scientist start in your team who hadn’t untaken any experiments, hadn’t done any professional work in two decades would you let them get to work straight away? Or would you give them time to relearn things that were once second nature but, over time, have become a little rusty?”

“I wouldn’t have hired them in the first place.”

“But if you had – “

“But I wouldn’t.”

“This is the scenario we are in now, Rodney. You’ve had twenty years away from the city, the lab, the technology. I know I wouldn’t feel confident going back without sufficient time to recall what all my team were working on. If your team have questions would you feel confident in answering them?”

“I don’t do hand-holding, that’s Zelenka’s job.”

“Have you spoken with Radek since you’ve been back?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t need to be someone else’s good deed for the day.”

“Your friends care about you, Rodney, they just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“I – yeah I know.”

“Is anything the matter?”

“I – uh, sorry, just…brought back a memory. That’s all.”

“Of Agratha?”

“Yeah.”

“Would you like to talk about it?”

“No – yes – I don’t know…”

“How about I ask some small, easy questions and whenever you feel uncomfortable or want to stop you just tell me?”

“I’m not a child.”

“I know that, Rodney.”

“Okay… _Fine_.”

“What happened when you were first imprisoned?”

“…Really? Does this stuff work on the other nutcases you have around here?”

“Rodney.”

“Okay, okay! I don’t really remember much that first day, it’s a blur really. From what I gathered they found me in some room, decided I was some kind of pudgy James Bond and chucked me in jail. I got thrown in this cell and told I’d be let out when I’d completed my sentence.”

“What was the cell like?”

“A dream – pool, minibar, dancing girls. The whole shebang.”

“…”

“It was…basic. Four walls. Slatted ceiling. Sand and straw on the floor. Screaming all around. It wasn’t exactly the Four Seasons. Bate’s Motel was probably nicer.”

“Screaming? So you could hear others around you? Was there anyone with you?”

“I – no. I was alone.”

“For twenty years you were alone in that cell?”

“Yeah. Completely alone.”

oooOOOooo

_Before he had any time to react he was thrown through an opening and hit a solid floor, hard. Stars twinkled before his eyes as his head slammed into the floor and he groaned loudly, his eyes screwed up tight against the bright lights of wherever he’d just been dragged through. From somewhere far off he heard a soft whoosh and then the light which had been burning against his closed eyelids was gone._

_Tentatively he turned his head, opened one eye, just to test, and immediately saw that the gap had closed. They’d obviously locked him in whatever this place was. He groaned again, letting his head fall back to the floor as he tried to assess the rest of the aches in his body._

_He couldn’t be sure what they’d done to him since they’d found him in that room – honestly it had been nothing more interesting than a storeroom, but apparently checking out their cleaning supplies made you enemy number 1. He knew there’d been some goon taking great delight in kicking and punching him for a while, and he was fairly certain something had hit his head because everything still seemed a little fuzzy and not just because of his most recent knock._

_Suddenly a noise sounded to his right and he froze, his whole body tensing. A rustling was coming from the other side of the cell. Oh God don’t be a rat. He could cope with being holed up in prison as long as there wasn’t something that could infect him with the Agrathi version of the plague in with him._

_Slowly he lifted his head again, blinking to try and get his eyes to grow accustom to the gloom he’d been thrown into. He could make out a shadow in the corner of the cell, it was much bigger than a rat, more human sized and it was shifting around in the darkness._

_With a burst of energy he hadn’t realised he still had left in him he pushed himself to his feet and scrabbled towards the opposite corner. He’d assumed he’d been thrown into a jail cell on his own, but knowing his luck he’d probably been thrown into a cage fight. Who the hell knew what these people did to their prisoners! Especially ones who didn’t deserve to be here in the first place!_

_Once he’d moved the figure in the shadows seemed to stop, they both waited. Neither seemed to know what to do next and instead just stood in silence, both aware of the screams and cries from beyond the cell door._

_“Who are you?” Rodney called after a moment, shifting his weight nervously from one foot to the other, wishing he’d paid more attention to Teyla or even Ronon in their self-defence classes and that his voice didn’t have a tremor. He really wasn’t cut out for hand to hand combat! Oh God, what if this was going to be an execution?!_

_“My name is E’Char,” Okay, so a name was good…but it didn’t really stop the horrible images of disembowelling and many, many other colourful ways to die from running through Rodney’s mind. “I believe I’m your cell mate.”_

_Rodney blinked at that, keeping himself against the cool wall even as the figure moved into the light. The artificial glow of the lamps above them fell across him, illuminating pale green skin and lank, dark hair falling to his shoulders. He was a little shorter than Rodney and his clothes…well they’d seen better days that was for sure. The smell coming off him wasn’t that great either and Rodney wrinkled his nose._

_“Pleasure.” He replied shortly, still refusing to move away from his safe corner._

_“What are you in for?” E’Char asked after a pregnant pause and he watched Rodney expectantly. He looked friendly enough but the scientist had been in Pegasus long enough to know never trust anyone who looked friendly! Or anyone who didn’t look friendly for that matter._

_“Espionage.” He replied, keeping his answers as short as possible even when E’Char smiled encouragingly at him. When it became obvious he wasn’t going to expand the other man took the lead._

_“I’m honoured! I think the last cell mate I had was only in for burglary, I’m clearly going up in the world.” He grinned at Rodney who only blinked at him again, his head was swimming and the pain he’d momentarily forgotten about with the increased adrenaline was returning with a vengeance._

_“Are you alright?” E’Char asked, his smile slipping from his features and replaced by concern. It was well placed because the edges of Rodney’s vision suddenly darkened and he couldn’t stop himself sliding down the wall behind him._

_With a swiftness Rodney hadn’t expected his cellmate rushed towards him and managed to grab him before his ass hit the floor, instead easing him gently to the ground._

_“They really did you over, dind’t they?” He was fairly sure that was rhetorical so didn’t bother giving an answer, only releasing a pained moan as he closed his eyes. “Don’t worry, I know just the thing.” He could hear E’Char moving away but he didn’t bother opening his eyes, instead he just focused on his breathing. It wasn’t until he heard the other man return that he tentatively opened an eye._

_“Here, eat this. It’ll help.” Rodney looked at the pro-offered hand and even in his current state he couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow. It…well, it looked like it might have once been edible._

_“Help? That looks like it’ll kill me!” He replied, his voice a little stronger than he’d expected. “Is that what you’re here for? You really are my executioner! It’s death by mouldy food.” He groaned again, closing his eyes and turning his head away._

_“If I killed you then who would I get to talk to? I’ve been talking to the walls for six cycles now and they haven’t been talking back. Probably a good thing, but I’m ready for some actual conversations!”_

_“Six cycles? Do you mean six years?”_

_“Yes, exactly. Now please, eat.” Rodney turned back to the other man, cracking one eye open again._

_“It looks disgusting.” He shuddered just at the thought of eating it, “Is it the only thing they serve here?” If it tasted as bad as it looked he might as well just start starving now._

_E’Char chuckled, shaking his head and then he broke a piece of the food off and put it in his own mouth, chewing it with relish._

_“See, all good.” He held the rest of it out for Rodney, who after a few moments slowly took it._

_“This doesn’t have citrus in it, does it?” Rodney poked at the object in his hand, it was squishy…lovely._

_“Citrus?” E’Char quirked his head to the side, and Rodney cursed silently at language barriers._

_“Like in a lemon or an orange…” He trailed off when E’Char’s blank expression didn’t change, it didn’t look like he had any idea what those things were…helpful._

_“It’s Chelash fruit.” E’Char prompted, his expression still blank._

_“Yeah, that doesn’t help me. I’ve never heard of it.” Rodney sighed and prodded the fruit again. There was nothing he could do, other than starve and his stomach rumbled just at that moment to remind him that whilst he might not think that a bad idea now, he’d never be able to last long. “Okay, fine. But if I die it’s your fault.” He raised the fruit to his lips and took a tentative bite._

_He was pleasantly surprised at the taste, it was soft like a peach but with a delightful tang to it. It oozed moisture and he suddenly realised how thirsty he’d become, without a second thought of citrus or anything else he scoffed the rest of the fruit down and wiped his mouth on his sleeve._

_“You seem to still be breathing…are we safe?” E’Char asked, his dark eyes twinkling with amusement and Rodney couldn’t shift the notion that he reminded him of someone. There was something familiar about the man, his mannerisms, his words, they all seemed so familiar._

_“Well we’ll find out in five minutes,” Rodney crossed his arms, his walls going up immediately. E’Char seemed to sense this and he watched the amusement dim behind his eyes and finally he sighed._

_“Okay, well I’d recommend you try to get some sleep. They’ll be turning us to night soon and it’ll do you good.” With that E’Char stood and moved away, back to his original corner. He settled down himself, laying on the straw with an arm behind his head and staring up at the ceiling._

_Rodney watched him for a moment longer before he decided that sleep was probably the best idea, and this guy didn’t seem like too much of a threat. Carefully he lay himself down, his back to the wall and closed his eyes. His mind was still whirring but his body was exhausted. This whole thing was ridiculous, it was insane! But his team would get him out of this. Of course they would. No one gets left behind, that’s what they said, so they’d be here. He just had to wait. And survive._


	9. Chapter 9

The silence in the lab was glorious. There wasn’t a soul about, but then Rodney had specifically waited until the last scientist had left for the night before he’d actually entered. The rows of desks sat crammed full of artefacts, paperwork, closed laptops, tablets – it was as though they’d started a competition of who could use the most crap on one work station. A few weeks ago…years ago…whatever it was, he’d have mentioned something, had a rant in the middle of the day about the difference between organised chaos and this mess but now…now he didn’t think he’d have the energy even if some of his team _were_ here.

As he’d stepped into the lab he’d been hit by several waves of emotion and hadn’t been able to figure out which one to focus on. A crest of nostalgia had risen first as he surveyed somewhere that had once been his “happy place”, then that had been swiftly followed by sorrow, worry and something that felt horribly like guilt. Guilt that he’d been away so long, that he was scared to come in in the first place, that he’d waited for everyone to go so he didn’t have to have witnesses to this moment.

Hurriedly he pushed his emotions aside, he wasn’t going to let them get the best of him tonight, not when he had work to do. It took him a moment to find his desk and he winched at the state he’d left it in. His had to be the messiest with empty power bar wrappers strewn across the place, paper dotted here and there and three mugs in different corners. Thankfully someone had had the decency to empty the contents of said mugs, but they hadn’t been washed in weeks.

He wrinkled his nose and resolutely ignored whatever alien fungus might be growing in them, instead he pushed them all to a far corner and sat down. He placed the laptop he’d brought from his quarters on a spare inch of desk before him and opened it up. Thankfully he’d been able to unlock it himself and this time he entered his password without a problem. The screen loaded up, bringing up the pages he’d been perusing before in his quarters.

With care he scrolled through the documents in front of him, it was all the details of the projects he was working on before Agrathi. Some of them he could remember – he’d even tried carrying a few on in prison, but without proper functioning technology it had been a challenge. Others he’d completely forgotten. There were a few he’d actually deigned to make notes on, which was something but others…he’d have to start from scratch.

He let out a sigh of frustration – he’d always assumed he’d know exactly where he’d left off with work when he came back from a mission, so why bother writing every detail down? He’d always thought his brain large enough to hold all those details for long enough for him to get back and get on with work. He’d not been counting on a 20-year absence.

Rodney pursed his lips at that thought; he’d begun to try to (or at least pretend to) accept the fact that as far as his head was concerned, he’d experienced and lived through those 20 years. Plus accepting it meant his meetings were going a little smoother with Heightmeyer now. He might not enjoy them, might not really see the point in seeing a shrink but at least she’d stopped babbling on about how acceptance was the first step to recovery or whatever.

The way she talked you’d think he was an addict or a child.

He scoffed, drawing his thoughts back to the work in front of him. Everyone on this damn planet was treating him like a child, telling him what he could or couldn’t do, how he should or shouldn’t feel. They’d refused to let him deal with this in his own way and had taken it upon themselves to make his life a living hell ever since he’d come back. He’d spent so long on that planet wishing to be back and now he was…

No, now was not the time to be thinking like that. Once he showed them he was ready to get back to work then he’d be fine.

For a few hours he was satisfied working through the documents he had stored, occasionally moving to grab an object he’d been researching or check through the many notebooks he’d had littered around, but he could tell he was rusty. He was going to have to brush up on his Ancient and using some of the tech in Atlantis itself, but at least everything else seemed to come flooding back to him. He’d tried to keep his mind busy in prison, running through formulas, equations, previous experiments, old missions, data recall anything and everything to try and stop him going nuts.

When he had finally finished the last document, he leant back in his chair, rubbing his eyes with one hand. His head still ached, it had for a while now, but he couldn’t bring himself to go and see Carson. Usually he’d be the first one there, probably convinced he’d got a tumour but now…he just couldn’t stand it. He didn’t want the pitying looks, the careful concern.

He’d had enough of it. Of all of it. He just wanted things to get back to normal, he wanted these memories out.

That thought had crossed his mind so many times lately, the idea of just cutting them out but he was too scared. He didn’t have the courage to risk doing anything else to his brain, not when he had no idea what had been done to him in the first place. He’d had dozens of ideas of things he could try but…he wasn’t brave enough.

That was the norm for him really. He was never brave enough. Automatically he moved his arm to pull his jacket sleeve down around his hand, his thumb searching for the frayed hole that he knew wasn’t there.

oooOOOooo

_“You won’t find anything, you know.” E’Char called from his usual spot in the far corner as he lounged on the straw and sand-covered floor, his back leant against the wall of the cell as he watched Rodney examine the cell itself. They’d been together for a week now and so far all the other man had managed to do was continually get on Rodney’s nerves. He was constantly poking his nose into what the scientist was doing or trying to pry some information from him._

_If he hadn’t been quite so obvious about his questions Rodney would have almost thought him a spy, trying to drag details about Atlantis from him. As it went he’d decided no spy could be that bad at his job, or at least would try a bit harder to wheedle his way into Rodney’s affections before starting up the questions. This guy was just nosey and infuriating._

_“Well, excuse me if I don’t just take your word for it,” Rodney snapped back, running his fingers along the front wall of the cell where the door he’d been thrown in through had opened. “We hardly know each other and I have a lot more experience of getting out of tight situations than you do, so sorry if I’m not going to take the word of a convicted criminal just yet.” He didn’t take his eyes off the wall as he spoke, desperately searching for grooves or indents which could indicate some sort of weak spot._

_“Technically, you’re also a convicted felon.” Rodney snorted at that reply, shaking his head as he continued his work._

_“On a technicality. I opened a door, apparently the wrong door, and that’s enough for someone to think I’m the next big bad super villain.” He scoffed, his frustration increasing with every second his fingers found nothing but cold stone. “If I were a spy surely I’d have kept a lower profile, I wouldn’t just be wandering into rooms whilst their security guards were just down the corridor! No one’s that stupid…well, maybe Kavanagh but that’s not the point. I’m **definitely** not that stupid.” With a growl of annoyance, he slammed both his palms against the wall – he’d been going over and over every inch of this place for days but still there was nothing._

_“There has to be a control panel or switch or wires somewhere.” He muttered to himself before his stomach let out a loud rumble. He rubbed at it absentmindedly, trying to keep his mind on the matter in hand but deep down he knew his irritation was probably partly caused by lack of food. They’d been getting food in each day, apparently a rare occurrence according to E’Char, but it was definitely not the amount he was used to._

_“There’s not, believe me I’ve looked,” E’Char called from the wall, “I’ve been here a lot longer than you and I’ve never found anything that can be used to get out. Agrathi prisons are designed like this, you can come in but not out.”_

_“Yes, well you’re not me, are you? And I like to think that 2 PhDs and a wealth of experience with Earth, Gou’ald and Ancient technology gives me something of an edge, don’t you think?”_

_“PhD? Sounds like some sort of…infection.”_

_“I – what? Of course it’s not an infection!” Rodney spluttered, finally turning to face his cellmate with a look a revulsion, “I’m a scientist, they’re academic qualifications!”_

_“You’re a scientist?” E’Char lifted himself up to his feet and stepped closer, ignoring the wary look which suddenly crossed Rodney’s face._

_“Yes, obviously. What did you think I was? A farmer?” He snorted, folding his arms across his chest as the other man came closer._

_“I don’t mean any offence, it’s just…I was a professor at a school here on Agratha before I wound up in here.” E’Char’s smile was back in place, he looked delighted at this development and if he was honest with himself Rodney’s interest had finally been piqued._

_“You were a **Professor**?”_

_“What did you think I was? A farmer?” The other man quipped and despite himself Rodney couldn’t help laughing. It was almost nice to break the tension after the last few days. “Yes, I taught Mathematics.”_

_At that Rodney knew his eyes lit up; it seemed to take E’Char by surprise as he took a few hesitant steps backwards, but Rodney didn’t seem to care. Finally here was something that was worth his interest. Yeah, okay it didn’t make up for not being able to find a way out of here, but it would at least keep his mind occupied for a little while._


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't resist adding a new chapter today, especially since it's got some team involvement! Hope you enjoy!

The sea was clear and calm, lapping gently against the edges of the city as the sun sparkled and gleamed on its surface. A light wind wafted across the balcony, lifting Rodney’s hair and playing across his face. He almost wished it could just blow all the stress and strain of the last few weeks away with it, if only that whole hokey meditation stuff was real and you could just blow your problems out of your ear or something.

He leant against the railings, his forearms pressed against the metal as he stared out at the sea before him. This had always been one of his favourite places to come; even during his time on Agratha he’d found his mind wandering back here whenever he’d had trouble sleeping; the sound of the waves lulling him towards slumber. Since he’d been back he’d found it was one of the few places he felt truly calm; it was a little sanctuary outside his quarters. The only downside was he couldn’t lock this door to keep the world out, but so far it had proved far enough from the main city thoroughfare to keep him isolated.

After a moment he closed his eyes and took a deep breath of the salt-tinged air. Back on Earth he’d never been a huge fan of the sea – he blamed his dad for that and bloody ‘Moby Dick’ – he would never have admitted to being scared, but it had always seemed kind of foreboding to him. He’d much preferred keeping a distance, but coming here he hadn’t had a whole lot of choice in getting used to it. In fact, as long as he wasn’t adrift at sea or…you know, hundreds of metres underneath it he’d begun to find it pretty relaxing being able to listen to the waves at night, or looking out a window to just see water straight up to the horizon.

Behind him he suddenly caught the whisper of the door to the balcony sliding open and he sighed, it had been too good to be true really, continually having this place to himself.

He could hear footsteps as his new companion walked towards him, and before long he felt a presence at his side. It was only then that he opened his eyes, turning his head slightly to see who’d joined him. His eyebrows rose in surprise: Ronon. The Satedan met his surprise with his usual stony-faced expression, but Rodney was sure there was some amusement hidden behind it.

They stood together in silence for some time, Ronon’s gaze moving from the scientist and out over the ocean instead, leaving Rodney completely nonplussed about why he’d even joined him. Since they’d got back to Atlantis whenever people had found him they’d wanted to talk, well actually they’d wanted _him_ to talk. But it seemed that Ronon was just going to stand there looking like some kind of leather-clad mountain, next to the tiny hillock that was Rodney McKay.

After what felt like an age Rodney rolled his eyes and took the plunge.

“Is this some sort of ridiculous plan to just keep standing there being all menacing and intimidating, until I feel uncomfortable enough that I just spill all my innermost thoughts to you?” All Ronon did for a moment was shrug, causing Rodney to huff and turn back to look out at sea.

“Did Sheppard get you to do this? Or Elizabeth? This sort of plan has them written all over it. I don’t need to talk, you know? I’m perfectly happy as I am. I’ve had enough poking and prodding from Carson and from Heightmeyer. I don’t need some sort of silent treatment from you to make everything hunky dory, okay?” He sucked in a breath as he finished, giving Ronon just enough time to interject before he went off again.

“McKay, I’m not here to make you talk.” Rodney paused, his mouth open and he turned back to look at the Satedan in surprise once more. “Just thought you’d like some company out here, s’all.”

That was enough to shut Rodney up and he closed his mouth with a quiet snap. He’d not expected that.

“Oh.” Was about the best response he could muster.

“’Sides I’m not great at talking.” Rodney couldn’t help but snort at that, he lowered his head as he bit his lip to stop himself laughing outright. Once he’d brought himself under control he nodded, lifting his head again but not daring to look at the Satedan.

“I’d never noticed.” It had been months before Rodney had been able to get more than one sentence at a time out of him when he’d first arrived, and each time he’d tried he’d been greeted with a glare that had caused him to take a step back out of self-preservation.

They lapsed into a companionable silence for a while longer, both watching the waves and the sun as it began to slide slightly lower in the sky. It felt like forever since he’d been able to just be like this – just be able to stand quietly without pressure to talk or express himself more than he felt comfortable with. He’d also never realised just how comforting Ronon’s presence could be! Obviously, he cared about the Satedan, he was part of his team and had, like the others, wormed his way into Rodney’s affections, but he’d never actually stopped to analyse what it was like to just be around him outside of missions.

“You eaten?” Ronon’s voice snapped him out of his revelry but before he could reply his stomach growled loudly, doing the talking for him. His friend grinned and reached out to clap the scientist on his back, making Rodney’s knees buckle with the force.

“Stop that!” He scolded, moving one of his arms to flap ineffectually at the Satedan to get him to stop, but it was a weak protest really. His reaction only made Ronon’s grin wider but he did remove his hand.

“Come on, McKay, I hear there’s pudding.” Together they moved towards the door, Rodney still prepared to fend off an errant hand should it reach out for him again. As they re-entered the corridor he couldn’t stop himself turning his head, casting a glance back at the balcony and his heart froze. The doors slid shut softly but Rodney couldn’t rid of the image of E’Char standing just beyond them from his mind.

oooOOOooo

The rain had finally eased enough for Rodney to venture out onto his favourite balcony; the dark clouds were rolling away towards the mainland to be replaced by lighter grey above the city. Small puddles littered the floor and he carefully navigated around them, knowing that the water would have made the tiles slippery. The last thing he wanted was to go ass-over-head and end up back in the infirmary; he’d been avoiding the place like the plague and he was well aware Carson had noticed. Before all this he’d been almost a weekly visitor, even if it was just with a splinter that he forced his friend to remove, but he’d barely set foot in there since he’d been discharged almost two months ago.

Once he reached the railings he wiped the worst of the moisture off a section with his sleeve and leant his forearms against it, leaning his head into the wind that was whipping off the sea. The worst of the rainstorm might have passed, but it had left behind a chill wind which nipped through his jacket as he stood still. He probably wouldn’t be able to stand long out here, but at least it was better than nothing.

He stayed there for a while in silence before he even began to notice that his legs were shaking with cold. Whilst he’d have preferred to remain out there for longer he didn’t much feel like explaining he’d developed hypothermia by simply standing out on a balcony. He pushed himself off the railings and turned, ready to head back in when the doors back to the corridor hissed open.

Rodney blinked as Teyla stepped through and made her way towards him, smiling as she did so. Perhaps he should look for a new hangout if he wanted solitude, because his team had clearly figured this one out too easily.

“Rodney.” She greeted, standing beside him next to the railings, her brown eyes raking over him with an almost motherly sympathy that at any other point he’d have loved, but right now it just made his stomach twist. “Is it not a little cold to be out here alone?”

“Just wanted a bit of fresh air,” He shrugged, “I haven’t been here long anyway. I was about to go inside.”

Teyla nodded, turning her gaze out towards the ocean and a short silence fell between them. Rodney shifted awkwardly before he wrapped his arms around himself to ward off some of the wind. His companion caught the movement and smiled again.

“I apologise, Rodney, I have kept you outside for longer than you wished. Would you mind if I walked with you a while? It has been a long time since we were able to speak.” Rodney’s insides clenched again but he forced a smile on his lips and nodded.

“Sure.” Together they made their way back to the doors, which slid open at their approach and were soon in the warmth of the corridor. Before they’d moved too far off Rodney couldn’t help but speak again.

“Did Ronon tell you where to find me?” He asked without turning his head to look at her.

“He mentioned that he had found you there before a few days ago.” Out of the corner of his eye he could see her nod her head.

“Having cosy little chats about me, are you?” He snapped, unable to stop himself as anger flared, white hot in his gut at the thought of them all sitting together, whispering about him.

“Rodney, do you really believe we would behave in such a manner towards you?” Teyla asked, turning to look at him and he could feel the hurt in her gaze.

“Everyone else is.” He shrugged, some of the fire leaving him as quickly as it appeared.

“I assure you they are not, Rodney. As your friends it is natural for us to mention you, especially when it has been so long since we have spent time with you, there is no malice in it. Just as there is no ill-will meant when you and Colonel Sheppard discuss the possibilities of who would win in a fight between myself and Ronon.” Rodney started, his cheeks colouring as he recalled those conversations. It had been long before Agratha (it felt like a lifetime ago!) but he hadn’t been aware she’d heard of them.

“I- well…” He spluttered, before she laid a hand on his arm in comfort.

“Rodney, you do not need to be embarrassed. We both found it amusing,” He turned to look at her and saw her smile, her eyes twinkling and he relaxed slightly. If she had been pissed off she could have kicked his ass, no problem. “Besides, as long as it was acknowledged that I would have been the victor, there is nothing to apologise for.” He couldn’t help the laugh that escaped him at that, he felt Teyla squeeze his arm once before letting go and they both fell silent again until Rodney spotted a familiar figure round the next corner. With a quick word of excuse, he left Teyla staring after him in surprise as he hurriedly started walking in the opposite direction, as far away from the shadow as he could.

oooOOOooo

The moon broke free from its cover of cloud and shone down onto the surprisingly still ocean below. Its light reflected on the water and helped to illuminate the huge city with its spires shooting into the sky and its piers jutting out into the sea. It was completely silent out here, no cry of birds, no engine noise from a wandering ‘Jumper, just a blanket of quiet. Rodney sighed, once more resting his forearms against the cool metal of the railing.

It had been a while since he’d been able to get out here, what with his shrink sessions, catching up on work and finally officially being able to get back into the labs there hadn’t really been much time for a trip out to the balcony. In all fairness this trip hadn’t exactly been planned – he’d been jerked awake by another nightmare and before he’d automatically picked up his marker to start defacing his wall again, he’d grabbed a jacket and shoes and headed out into the city. His feet had wandered without much direction from his brain until suddenly he’d ended up here.

The view was enough to chase away the lingering vestiges of his nightmare and the gentle breeze that occasionally swept in from the water helped to dry the, now chilled, sweat on his forehead. He was getting tired of these nightmares. They’d plagued him since he’d left the infirmary and without work to keep him occupied or give him a reason to not go to bed, he’d had nothing else to do except dwell on them. They were all the same – his cell, the screams of the insane around him, two hands gripping tightly, forcing the life out…

No.

He swallowed thickly, bile rising in his throat as he forced that image out of his mind. He had enough of that whilst he was asleep, he didn’t need it during his waking hours as well.

Rodney lifted a hand and scrubbed at his face, trying to force the memories away, down…wherever, just somewhere they wouldn’t cause such a problem. He could almost feel E’Char’s eyes on him from somewhere in the shadows but he refused to acknowledge his presence. He was nothing more than a creation of his own mind, a manifestation of guilt or whatever crap some hokey psychologist with a Walmart degree would say.

He’d spent so much time recently convincing everyone that he was fine, that he was better, that it was all over but it seemed his brain hadn’t been equally assured. It still seemed to think that throwing his cellmate into random corridors or have him pop up in his room was the best way to process this whole thing. It clearly hated him.

For something so smart you’d think it would have worked out a better way to help him.

As his hand fell back to the railing he cricked his neck, wincing at the crack that seemed to echo around the walls of the city surrounding him. In the quiet of the night it had sounded horrendous but he knew it wouldn’t disturb anything, there weren’t any living quarters up here, so no one would have heard it. In fact he was pretty sure you could fire a gun up here and no one would notice.

He wasn’t sure if that was a comforting thought or not, but he didn’t have long to dwell before he heard the familiar sound of the doors hissing open. Was he never to be able to enjoy a moment’s peace up here?

Behind him he heard footsteps draw near and soon enough his companion joined him, leaning against the railings and looking out at the moon. Rodney didn’t need to turn his head to know who it was. John.

They had barely said two words to each other since his little outburst in the canteen, but he had to admit that wasn’t for John’s lack of trying. He knew the Colonel had called round to his quarters several times, had tried to grab him when he’d left the lab once or twice and had generally been a nuisance by just being around. It had taken a lot out of Rodney just trying to avoid his friend – he’d locked his quarters, jumped into lifts or just plain walked in the opposite direction when he’d seen him coming. Now though he couldn’t really get out of this.

“Is this going to be some sort of team ritual?” He asked after a moment, “Annoy Rodney on a balcony?”

“Yeah, Teyla and Ronon mentioned they’d found you out here.” John replied, bobbing his head but not turning to look at him.

“I don’t need checking up on.” Rodney huffed, turning his own attention back to the ocean before them.

“I know.” At this reply Rodney huffed again, leaning more of his weight against his forearms. Why else would John be here if it wasn’t to check up on him?

“Why are you here then?” He asked finally, unable to stop his curiosity from getting the better of him.

“Same reason you are, probably.” John shrugged, lifting one of his hands to ruffle his already impossibly messy hair. Now Rodney had never had loads of hair, but even if he had he definitely would have run a comb through at least once, as it stood he was fairly certain John had never even heard of a hairbrush.

“What’s that?”

“Can’t sleep.”

“Oh.” It was a stupid reply but Rodney couldn’t help it, he’d almost been expecting the start of an interrogation or a probe to find out what was causing him to be out so late. Instead he had an out, an easy excuse. John turned to look at him and when their eyes met Rodney knew it was on purpose. Any annoyance he’d been feeling up until that point melted instantly. John was prepared to let him be, not to push or pry. If he wanted to talk he could, if he didn’t then that was okay too.

The relief at that knowledge almost made his knees feel weak and he was glad that it was his arms mostly supporting his weight. He’d been so sure that John would make this difficult for him, that he’d push him for more than he was ready to give…but why? John had never done that, he’d always been patient with him even when he didn’t deserve it, he’d always trusted him even when Rodney hadn’t earned it.

“Thanks.” He muttered and John nodded in reply, shooting him a swift smile before they both turned back to the ocean. They didn’t speak again and by the time they left Rodney realised that E’Char had melted into the shadows again.


	11. Chapter 11

The lab was a hive of activity – the many voices of scientists chattering at once, the beeps and noises from various instruments and items on benches and the general hum of Atlantis seemed to blend together. It still took Rodney time to get used to it; his first day back had been his own personal hell just with the volume alone. He’d had to invent an excuse to disappear to one of the unused labs for a few hours, just to try and get his thoughts together. He’d barely been able to hear himself think let alone do any actual work. However, as the days had dragged on he’d been able to up his tolerance once again and slowly he was re-learning how to tune things out.

He sat at his desk, tapping on his keyboard and studiously ignoring everyone around him. A half-full mug of coffee was perched next to his laptop but he hadn’t touched it in hours, he’d been too engrossed in his work to really think about it. It had taken Radek pointedly waving a powerbar in front of his face before he’d even realised it was time for lunch. The first few days his second in command had been confused and, quite frankly, worried about this change in Rodney’s behaviour but a couple of weeks in he was starting to begrudgingly get used to it.

Unfortunately, that had not been the only thing they needed to get used to. Elizabeth had allowed Rodney back at work, but only on the proviso that Radek observed…everything. It was kept quiet, the rest of the team simply believed Rodney was back as Chief Scientist and all was normal, but between the two of them they knew different and it grated. Yeah, fine Radek was a somewhat decent scientist but to know that his work was being checked, like he was a child and the teacher was looking for spelling mistakes, was enough to make him bristle.

Thankfully Radek hadn’t exactly been happy about the arrangement either and they’d reached something like an entente. Radek would only observe physical experiments, Rodney was welcome to carry out simulations or work on his laptop without supervision but…well, Rodney had taken Radek by surprise with a quiet admission that he may need to run a few things by him, if he forgot. It had been humiliating to say but after almost three months of being back he was beginning to understand his new shortcomings.

The noise of shouting caught his attention and he felt his anger, always simmering just below the surface these days, spike in response. He slammed his hands down on the desk, taking care to miss his laptop and turned his chair to the source of the noise. Whilst his outburst had attracted a couple of stares from a few nervous looking newbies nearby, the rest of the lab were either ignoring everything or else fixated on the shouting match in the middle of the room.

Rodney watched them, his anger bubbling at the sheer audacity of them having broken his concentration. He’d been working on this stuff all day – if they caused him to lose his train of thought he’d be shipping them off this planet before they could say ‘quadratic equations’. His gaze travelled over the two men, standing practically nose to nose as they continued their squabble. They’d been new on the Daedalus before he’d gone to Agratha, Radek had reminded him of that, but he hadn’t thought it worthwhile learning names. Why should he? They clearly weren’t worth much merit if this was how they were going to behave.

To his left Radek pushed himself away from his own desk and hurried forward, obviously intent on breaking this up before it became a full-on fist fight. Although Rodney was fairly sure it would be the weakest punch up they’d seen in a while – if any of Sheppard’s grunts were watching they’d be falling over themselves laughing.

“I told you that won’t work!” Idiot #1 yelled into Idiot #2’s face and, with a shudder of disgust, Rodney saw flecks of spit land on Idiot #2’s cheek. Radek was trying to interpose himself between the two of them, but they barely noticed him…Radek just about came up to their chins after all.

“And I told you your calculations are off!” Idiot #2 didn’t seem to care about the saliva flicking out of his own mouth now and Rodney wrinkled his nose at the sight. Whilst it was a complete waste of his valuable time breaking up a fight that had no right to take place in the first place, he was slowly becoming aware that if he didn’t intervene Radek was probably going to be the one in the infirmary, rather than these other guys.

“Enough!” He called, pushing himself to his feet as his voice echoed around the lab and, finally, caused both Idiot #1 and #2 to turn towards him. He hurried towards them, glaring the entire way and he saw Radek finally manage to push himself between the two scientists. It wasn’t the most effective barrier but at least it was something.

“What the hell is going on?” He asked as he reached them, turning his attention from one to the other before he held up a hand, warding off any sort of response. “Scratch that, I don’t care what it’s about, but the rest of us,” He waved towards the rest of the lab before continuing, “Well, most of us, left kindergarten a long time ago and have figured out other ways to communicate than yelling and spitting at each other in the middle of our work environment. If that’s what you’ve come here for I’m sure I can find a nice, backwards little planet for you to go and live on or I can sign you up as volunteers for some of the Colonel’s lackeys to come and beat seven shades of shit out of in training.”

He glared at each Idiot in turn and they at least had brains enough to look a little guilty and terrified. He let the silence run for a moment, watching them both begin to squirm until one of them finally opened their mouth to speak but he shot them down with a withering look.

“Give me your work.” He held his hand out, clicking his fingers impatiently when the notebook they’d obviously been fighting over wasn’t handed to him immediately. “If you’re going to behave like children, we’ll treat you like kids and I’ll mark your work.” Radek glanced at him from between the two scientists, a small twitch crossing his features and Rodney could tell the other man knew what had brought that remark about.

Reluctantly Idiot #1 picked up the notebook from the desk and handed it over. All around them the lab was silent, people weren’t even pretending to be carrying on with other work, instead they were all intent on watching this play out. Rodney assumed it was a healthy dose of schadenfreude.

With deliberate movements he flicked through the notebook, licking his finger before turning each page until he came across the work they’d been fighting over.

“This is it?” He asked incredulously, “I mean, he’s right your calculations are wrong,” He jerked his chin towards Idiot #2, “But whatever this is,” He waved his free hand towards the pen marks obviously made to try and correct the horrifying mess on the page, “Isn’t any better. If either of you actually tried to put this into practice you’d blow up half the city!”

“No, I thought about that but if you include this variable –“ Rodney didn’t even bother raising a hand this time, he just silenced the moron with a look.

“You’d blow up half the city.” He repeated firmly, “Now if it got rid of you two at the same time that’d certainly raise the IQ in this place to at least near average, but I’m the one in charge of keeping you alive until I can ship you back to Earth, so this,” He waved the notebook in front of them, “Isn’t happening. Seriously, my niece could complete these formulas better than you and she’s two –“

“Four.” Radek piped up but Rodney brushed it off.

“Whatever, the point is a child could come up with better ideas that wouldn’t cause the horrible, painful death of half this expedition.” He slapped the notebook back on the desk, pointed to a pencil not too far from Idiot #2 and clicked his fingers until it was handed to him. “I don’t want to hear your voices again today. Instead you’re going to ignore this,” He ripped the messed up pages from the notebook, balled them up and threw them towards the nearest bin, not caring if they missed or not, “And you’re going to start from here.” He quickly rewrote part of the last equation with his own updates, sure that at least that would stop them from completely destroying this city.

With a flourish he finished, dropping the pencil on the table before he pushed the notebook back towards the two morons before him. First one, then the other looked down at the page and he watched with astonishment as they were soon glancing at him with looks of complete confusion.

“I’m sorry, Doctor McKay but I don’t understand…”

“Where the hell did you get your degree? The mall?!” His gaze fell on Zelenka who had also inched forwards and was staring at the notebook. “Did someone send me botanists instead of physicists? Because this is –“

“Rodney, wait.” Zelenka’s tone made him pause, the other scientist was glancing between Rodney and the notebook and had a similar confused expression plastered across his face. What the hell was wrong with everyone? He thought he’d been the one having issues after Agratha, but it seemed like during his absence the whole IQ of this entire lab had dropped down to pre-school levels.

“What? Is idiocy infectious?” He snapped, folding his arms across his chest.

“Rodney, these symbols…I’ve never seen them before.” Radek kept his voice soft but with the silence in the lab so complete it carried across to them all.

“What do you mean you’ve never seen them?”

“They are not from standard Mathematics.” Radek shrugged, his eyes wide, “Not Earth Mathematics.” At that revision Rodney froze and he felt a chill run down his spine. He moved closer to the table, practically pushing the two morons out of the way to look at the work he’d done. It took him a moment to realise what they were talking about and then he saw it. It looked so innocent, just a few scribbles of graphite but it was enough to make his blood run cold.

“Rodney?” He felt a hand on his arm and he jerked away at the touch. How could he have been so stupid? He’d gotten complacent – for once he hadn’t been thinking. He’d just written on instinct and this was the result.

Inside his chest he could feel his heart pounding, his breathing increased as he began to feel the now familiar sensation of a panic attack. He pushed himself away from the desk, stumbled slightly but managed to catch himself. All around him he could feel eyes on him, people wondering what the matter was, what was on that piece of paper. It was all too much. In his head he could feel a buzzing sensation, like static creeping into his brain and making everything around him start to feel fuzzy.

Without another thought he ran. He had to get out of lab; the walls felt as though they were closing in, like he was back in that cell. He didn’t heed Radek’s call after him, instead he just left, running as fast as his legs would let him. He ran until his legs and lungs were burning and he found himself in a, thankfully, empty corridor in some random part of the city.

Finally he stopped, leaning heavily against the wall as he tried to catch his breath. How could he have been such an idiot? He’d been hiding it all so well but one moment of carelessness and it could all be shattered. He’d always been told his constant need to show off would be his undoing, looks like those prophecies were coming true now, weren’t they?

“Rodney, you need to calm down.” At the familiar voice he groaned, of course he’d turn up now. Slowly he turned his back to the wall and slid down it until he was seated.

“You’re not here.” It was a mantra he’d tried to repeat each time E’Char had appeared recently in a desperate bid to remind his brain that this man was nothing but a figment of his imagination. He had never been real.

“Strange because it seems like I am here.” E’Char squatted in front of him, catching his gaze with a small, almost sad smile.

“You’re not real then.” Rodney replied tiredly, leaning his head back against the wall and closing his eyes. He could feel the familiar headache returning behind his eyes, thumping softly against his temples.

“You need to calm down.” E’Char repeated and Rodney could almost swear he heard concern in his voice. “It’s really not that bad, you know?” At that the scientist cracked an eye open and glared at him.

“I almost had a panic attack in front of my team because I used Agrathi formula…sounds pretty bad to me.” Rodney groaned again, humiliation crossing him in waves.

“They’ll understand.”

“How? I’ve been trying so hard to show them I’m fine, that I’ve moved on and now…I can’t even use normal Math anymore…”

“You can, Rodney, you know you can. You’ve not lost anything up here.” E’Char reached out and let his finger rest millimetres from Rodney’s forehead, he could almost swear he felt the other’s body heat radiating from that space, but that was impossible.

“I might not have yet, but it feels like I’m losing it. I’m talking to a hallucination in a deserted corridor, hardly sane, is it?” At that his old cellmate chuckled, cocking his head to one side regarding Rodney as he dropped his hand back to his side.

“You’re sane, Rodney, you just need to find a way to forgive yourself. Talk to someone. Please.”

oooOOOooo

_“Come on, why not? It’s not like you’ve got anything better on and, apparently, I’m stuck here for longer than I’d planned so why not? I’m a fantastic student!” Rodney had been following E’Char around the cell for what felt like hours, trying desperately to convince him, but the other man didn’t seem entirely sure._

_“I’m not sure, Rodney.” E’Char just kept on moving and refusing to accept that this would be a good strategy for both of them; it’d keep their minds active which had to be a plus._

_“What’s there not to be sure of? I’m a genius. I’ve got two PhDs, don’t forget –“_

_“How could I?”_

_“And you’re a Professor, you’re used to teaching. I mean, probably not used to teaching anyone of my calibre but it’ll be good for you to get back into the game. You’ll have to get out of here sometime – I’ve already said when my team come and get me I’ll see if we can break you out as well – so what’s the worst that can happen if you teach me a little Math?” Rodney barely paused for breath during his speech and he was forced to gulp down air when he finished._

_“I’m used to teaching children, Rodney, my methods may be too young for you.” Even though it was an excuse he’d heard before Rodney could tell he was wavering, if he pushed a bit more he could win this._

_“Believe me, your University professors’ methods would be too young for me, but I’m willing to risk that.” He paused, both in his speech and movement, which caused E’Char to turn and face him. “I need something to do, E’Char. I can’t just sit in here doing nothing, waiting to be rescued again.” A sudden scream from beyond their cell door made them both turn, Rodney gulped. “And I don’t want to turn into that.” He turned back to his cellmate, fixing him with a pleading gaze and finally saw him crack._

_“Okay. Fine, we can try.” E’Char sighed, his tone defeated but a small smile quirking at the corner of his mouth._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea of Rodney learning Agrathi maths is probably one of my favourite ones in this story, it just seemed so right. You can imagine what his bedroom walls look like if he's scribbling both Earth and Agrathi formulas around there! - JM.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay folks just wanted to say that I'm off on annual leave this coming week, which means that this is the last chapter for a little while, I'm afraid. We'll be back on our regular schedule after 26th October, but I didn't want to leave you with a cliffie or anything too mean so thought this chapter would suffice for now. See you all soon - JM.

It was cowardly but Rodney had waited until the entire lab was empty before he risked going back to his work, he didn’t dare poke his head in until he was sure the last of his team had left. It was possible that the majority of them had forgotten about his little outburst, but _he_ hadn’t. He could still feel the shame and humiliation burning deep in his gut and the fewer people around to remind him of it, the better.

When eventually he’d been able to get back to his work he’d triple checked everything he’d worked on so far, ensuring that everything looked…normal. Thankfully the majority of it had been reports and no real calculations, so at least he was safe there.

For a while he was content with carrying on with his reports as normal, enjoying every moment of quiet in case he was suddenly confronted by John or Elizabeth come to check on him. He highly doubted Radek wouldn’t have reported his little moment earlier, so it’d be just another reason for them to think him unfit for duty. Eventually, however, he couldn’t stop himself from rising from his desk and moving towards the desk they’d been crowded around earlier. The notebook was still sitting innocently on the surface.

He picked it up and flicked to the page he’d been working on and he swallowed at the sight. It was definitely Agrathi work – he hadn’t even thought about it when he’d been writing, he’d just seen a problem, figured out a solution and written the first thing that came to mind. He winched as he realised it was probably what he’d been writing on the walls of his quarters too. He’d have to be more careful from now on.

Suddenly someone cleared their throat and he looked up guiltily, dropping the book back onto the desk as he did so.

“Rodney, I’m glad to see you well.” Radek shot him an almost nervous smile as he stepped towards the desk.

“I’m fine.” Rodney nodded, his mouth suddenly dry at the knowledge he’d been caught. “Just…got a little warm earlier, you know, needed some fresh air.”

Radek stared at him, his eyes wide and unsure.

“Yes. It was…warm.” His voice lifted at the end, clearly unsure if he should be agreeing or not.

“But, um, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t mention it to…anyone.” Rodney blurted quickly, unable to even pretend to be nonchalant about the whole thing. He’d give anything to ensure that Elizabeth, John or even Carson didn’t find out about this. God, he didn’t need anymore prying and he certainly didn’t need more people questioning whether his coming back to work was the right thing.

“Of course not,” Radek replied almost immediately and he couldn’t help but start, he’d not been expecting that. He’d said it just in a vain hope, not really expecting that Radek wouldn’t have run to someone straight away to let them know he was losing his mind. “It was a slipup, Rodney. Easily done. It is like how I speak several languages, sometimes you forget language you should be talking in. It comes out wrong and you have to take moment to remember.”

Rodney blinked at him, completely thrown. He wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting from his second in command but for some reason it hadn’t been understanding.

“I take it the symbols,” Radek gestured towards the notebook, “Are Agrathi in origin?”

“I –“ For a moment Rodney thought about lying, but there was really nothing else he could offer in way of explanation. “Yeah. They are.”

“It is impressive,” Radek nodded, “Could be useful for future work perhaps? But Rodney, if you prefer I will not tell the others. The team,” He gestured towards the empty desks, “They will not repeat it either. It is your choice to tell, but for record it is something I would be very interested to learn. Although perhaps you are not the best teacher.”

Rodney spluttered at the insult but it was half-hearted, he could see the smallest hint of a smile on Radek’s lips and he knew there was no malice there.

“Like you’d be the model pupil,” He retorted, moving around the desk and heading back to his own with Radek in tow, “You barely understand my calculations as it is.”

“Only because they are so messy.”

oooOOOooo

Work had gotten busier recently and Rodney had finally fallen back into the swing of things along with the rest of his department. No one threw him concerned looks, no one gave him a wide berth (okay, not quite true but the wide berths were for the normal reasons at last) and no one had brought up Agratha or anything to do with it in weeks. At times it had allowed him to feel almost normal, as though nothing had ever happened.

The workload had meant that there’d been a reason for his lack of sleep, for his quick temper and his lack of appetite. He’d been able to blame it all on trying to keep up with all their different assignments, reports and their recent acquisition of some new Wraith tech, not to mention the near constant threat of a Wraith attack! His reliance on coffee to get him through the day had never been questioned, in fact he was sure some people had seen it as a sign he was back to normal, and when the occasional patrol team found him in the lab at two or three o’clock in the morning he knew it didn’t even get a mention to Elizabeth anymore.

Things would have been almost perfect if E’Char didn’t keep on appearing at the least opportune moments: during a briefing, making him start and lose his train of thought during his input; during a complex experiment, causing him to almost ruin the whole thing; during brief conversations with underlings who always gave him a weird look when he suddenly started staring at something over their heads. He’d done his best to brush each encounter off, managing to convince everyone he was fine just a little tired and they’d been pretty ready to accept it. Still, it’d be a whole lot easier without this hallucination turning up here, there and everywhere.

Even now as he sat alone in the lab, working his way through a report on a recent systems glitch in the water filtration units he could feel his old cellmate’s eyes on his back. He refused to look up, refused to acknowledge him in the hopes that this time his brain would listen and E’Char would just melt away. Never did seem to work.

“Rodney, why haven’t you told anyone about me?” The voice cut through his concentration like a knife, but he didn’t dare turn round. “You’ll have to tell someone about me sometime.” Rodney shuddered at the mere idea but he still didn’t turn, instead he remained in his chair, staring at the screen in front of him even though he wasn’t paying any attention to the words before him.

“Rodney?” It was too much to take; colour was rising up his neck and in his cheeks. He slammed his palms down on the table and yelled.

“What?!” He spun in his chair, expecting to find E’Char stood only a few feet from him but instead Carson was stood in the doorway, his eyes wide with surprise at the outburst. Rodney felt the heat in his cheeks increase, but this time with embarrassment.

“Did I interrupt something important?” Carson queried, watching him carefully, too carefully. There were times when Rodney hated have two ‘best friends’ on this city, it was a lot easier when you were surrounded by people who couldn’t read you so easily.

“Everything I do is important, Carson.” It took more effort than it should have done to recover but he waved his hand in the air, aiming for casual but at Carson’s frown he figured he hadn’t quite managed it.

“Aye, but that’s no excuse to go biting my head off,” His friend stepped into the lab and made a beeline for his desk, “Or for avoiding me.” He added pointedly as he reached Rodney’s side.

“I haven’t been avoiding you.” If there was a slightly petulant whine in his tone, well, that wasn’t his fault.

“Oh, right and I’ve been crowned the best flyer on Atlantis.” Carson scoffed, folding his arms across his chest.

“Look, Carson I’ve been busy,” He gestured towards the laptop, notebooks and paper spread across his desk and winced at the five mugs that were also scattered about. “We’ve got a whole haul of Wraith kit that Lorne’s team were able to bring back to examine, there are still a multitude of repairs needed on sections of the city and I figured sorting out clean water for everyone was slightly more important than you missing me.”

“It’s not me missing you that’s the problem, ye daft apeth,” Rodney felt a little pang of guilt at the wearily affectionate tone, but he stamped down on it. He was well aware he’d been avoiding the infirmary and Carson for months now, but he wasn’t likely to actually admit to it. “I’ll admit it’s been quieter, but you’ve barely spoken to me in months, Rodney. I just thought I’d check you’re still alive.”

“Well, now you have so you can scuttle back to your den of horrors and I can get back on with some actual important work.” He made a shooing motion towards his friend, but it only succeeded in bringing Carson’s frown back. He wasn’t going to make this a quick and easy conversation, clearly.

“It’s not just that I’ve come about. Kate’s told me you’ve missed a few of your sessions recently.” Rodney groaned and rolled his eyes, could none of them understand that he was busy?! He didn’t have time to sit in a chair and talk about his ‘feelings’.

“I draw your attention to my previous point.” Rodney replied simply, turning his attention back to his laptop in the hopes that this would an obvious enough dismissal. Suffice to say it wasn’t.

“I’m sure your work wouldn’t suffer from you taking a couple of hours off a week. Especially for something so important.” Carson was persistent, but that wasn’t exactly surprising. The man was the worst mother hen he’d ever come across! His _own_ mother hadn’t been this bad to deal with.

“Look, if you spoke to Heightmeyer you’ll know that I _told_ her I wouldn’t be able to make those sessions, I gave her plenty of notice and we’ll reschedule. I don’t need you checking up on me. Seriously, I’m fine, Carson.” He turned back to his friend and forced a smile onto his face in the hopes that this would be enough to get him off his back, it seemed to throw the Scot off for a moment.

“I – okay,” His friend sighed, his arms uncrossing and falling back by his side, “But make sure you do reschedule those appointments, Rodney, I mean it. I don’t want to have to make this an official order.”

Rodney raised an eyebrow at that, it wasn’t often Carson threw that card on the table, it was enough to make his insides squirm. They held each other’s gaze for several minutes before Carson sighed again, he reached out and squeezed Rodney’s shoulder briefly before he turned and left. The warmth that leeched into his jacket at the touch quickly evaporated and Rodney felt more alone than ever as he watched the doctor walk away.

A part of him really wanted to talk to Carson, to just sit down with him and explain everything. Carson wouldn’t judge him, he wouldn’t hate him or fear him. Surely he’d understand what had happened, what Rodney had done.

No, he thought brusquely, no one would understand. He had to keep quiet – no one could know.


	13. Chapter 13

It had taken a lot of meetings and a lot of discourse for everyone to finally agree that AR-1 were ready to start heading out on off-world missions again. They’d all been kept back since Agratha and whilst some of them had made the most of the downtime, others had found it…trying. Ronon was itching to start actually doing something, maybe even shoot something and John wasn’t far behind. Teyla had made the most of the time by taking regular trips to the mainland to visit her people, as well as helping with sparring practice for the newest recruits.

As for Rodney, well he’d been kept busy with work in the lab and hadn’t really had time to think about a potential off-world excursion. Now it had been agreed though he found he was almost as nervous as he had been during those early trips through the ‘Gate, when everything was new and quite frankly terrifying.

Still, he’d conquered those fears before so he guessed he’d do it again. Besides didn’t everyone always say it was good to get back into the saddle, so to speak? Granted he hated horses so that might not be the best analogy to use, but he couldn’t hide out in Atlantis forever, not when there were potential ZedPM’s to be found!

It seemed as though the last few days before their scheduled mission hurtled past at breakneck speed; they rattled through the briefings based on information from the Athosians, they hurtled through pre-mission physicals (thank God, Rodney hated those things) and before he knew it they were back in tac vests and standing before the light blue event horizon.

Rodney repressed a shudder at the memory of the last time he’d seen it, overwhelmed and disorientated, he could still feel the mix of elation and panic when he’d come back through and found Atlantis just as it had always been. At that point his mind had been all over the place, he couldn’t figure out if what he’d experienced had been real or not, if twenty years had actually passed or if it was all some kind of elaborate trick.

He shifted his pack slightly on his back, his muscles already protesting at the weight of it. It had been so long since he’d had to wear it, it would just take time to get used to it again, that and the presence of his 9mm strapped to his thigh.

From behind him he heard Elizabeth wish them luck, but he barely acknowledged it, instead he turned his attention to his teammates. Ronon was still and silent, Sheppard was calm and collected and Teyla was serene and smiling…what a contrast he was, how out of place he seemed. His stomach was tied in knots, his palms were sweating and he had a powerful urge to run as fast as he could in the opposite direction, away from the ‘Gate and away from everyone here.

“Okay, let’s go.” John called finally and his three teammates started towards the event horizon, leaving Rodney stuck to the spot. The Colonel turned just as he reached the shimmering surface, catching Rodney’s gaze and gave him the smallest of smiles, an attempt at reassurance. It wasn’t much but it seemed like enough to unstick his feet from the floor; with a great effort he forced himself forwards, passing John and sucking in a deep breath as he plunged through the event horizon.

As he re-materialised on MX3-4KJ he felt some of the knots in his stomach ease slightly; the only sound that reached his ears was birdsong, the only smell of earth and as far as he could see there was no one about except them. Teyla and Ronon were already there, scouting the area and neither looked particularly concerned. He wiped his palms on his trousers, trying to remove the worst of the damp before he fumbled in his pocket for the life signs detector.

Behind him he heard John come through the ‘Gate, then a hand appeared on his shoulder for the briefest of moments, squeezing gently before their leader was off to catch up with the others. Rodney forced a breath out through pursed lips, allowing a few more knots to loosen and his heartrate to drop down to something like normal.

The life signs detector clicked into action, showing a veritable smorgasbord of small, flashing dots not too far from their location, obviously that was the village. He called it out to the others before he moved to join them, falling into step as Teyla took point and Ronon covered their six, leaving John and Rodney in the middle. He could feel his friend glancing at him occasionally but there were no pointless questions about how he was feeling, no reminders of Agratha, just the occasional banter back and forth as they trudged through the fields before them towards the village.

It didn’t take them long to reach the first signs of civilisation with smoke rising before them, and a well-trodden path appearing beneath their feet.

“Have you met these guys before?” John asked Teyla as they drew closer to the smoke.

“I have not, my father used to trade with them I believe but that was many years ago, but from all that is spoken about them they are a most generous people and excellent farmers.” She replied, indicating the fields surrounding them which were certainly full of crops.

“Great.” Rodney breathed, packing the life signs detector away, if this was just going to be a simple ‘we’ll trade you some paracetamol for your green beans’ mission then he should really have stayed in the city. Teyla must have heard him though as she shot him an amused smile before continuing.

“There have also been rumours that the Ancestors may have once spent time here, perhaps there are artefacts or some more knowledge to be gained.” She offered before turning back to face the fields, keeping an ever watchful eye out.

“There’s a difference between spending time somewhere and actually leaving something significant behind. For all we know they could have popped their heads through the ‘Gate saw this place and gave it up as a lost cause.” He griped as he wiped a hand across his brow, the sweat was already beginning to pour off him and they’d barely been walking ten minutes. “They probably decided they shouldn’t set up camp somewhere hotter than the nearest sun.”

“It’s not that bad, Rodney,” John grinned, “Anyway you’ve got your sunblock.”

“Not bad?! We’re in the middle of field, surrounded by more fields, no shade, and one, no wait, two suns bearing down on us. Did no one think to suggest that with two suns we might want to make our meeting in the evening? I feel like I’m melting already!”

“’Least then you wouldn’t be talking.” Came Ronon’s sardonic reply and Rodney shot him a glare, before he huffed and folded his arms across his chest. If that was how they wanted to play it, fine. God, this trip was going to be hell, he could already tell.

oooOOOooo

It was obvious the moment they reached the village Rodney was going to be of no use to negotiations at all. There were no energy readings on the planet, despite the rumours the Athosians had heard and passed on about potential Ancient activity, and the technology was minimal. Honestly it was like walking into an Amish village, but worse, and he didn’t even try to mask his disappointment.

Thankfully for the expedition the village leaders took very little notice of his reaction, instead preferring to greet Teyla and get down to business with her and John, leaving Rodney and Ronon to “mingle.” It wasn’t exactly something that either of them enjoyed but it hadn’t taken long before Ronon had been distracted by…something, Rodney couldn’t really remember what, and had disappeared into the heart of the village.

Rodney had remained on the outskirts, huffing at regular intervals and swapping between applying sun lotion and checking the life signs detector just in case he’d missed something. Obviously he hadn’t, he didn’t miss things like that, but his boredom meant he needed to be doing _something_. Anything!

After what felt like days (but was probably only about an hour max) John and Teyla emerged from what passed for the village’s town hall and, upon spotting him perched on a bench nearby, they made their way over to him. Apparently the talks had gone well, they were ready to secure food for the city and livestock for the mainland, in return for medicine and aid should the Wraith appear. They’d had no interest in increasing their scientific knowledge, beyond Carson’s own inspired method of voodoo, so there literally was no reason for Rodney to be here at all.

All that fear and this was his reward.

Before they could finalise the details the village leaders had decided that their new trading partners deserved a tour of the entire village, sending John and Teyla back out to search for their teammates. Rodney had raised his eyebrows as this but John had cut off any retort by confirming he had two options, the first to come with them, the second to sit here and burn under the midday sun. After that it hadn’t taken much persuasion, although there was still plenty of moaning.

They’d found Ronon sauntering around on his own and, together with two of the leaders, they’d begun their tour. Rodney left the polite enquiries and looks of interest to Teyla, preferring to continue to glance hopefully at the detector in case a little blip appeared that promised something more interesting. Needless to say nothing appeared.

As a group they were shown around the larger buildings, Rodney didn’t really take much notice only looking up from the detector when he received a few painful jabs in the ribs from Sheppard. He’d paid attention long enough to realise that the two leaders were morons, before he went back to jabbing at the device in his hands. There was still a small glow of hope that they’d walk somewhere and he’d been greeted by a little blip or _something_ on the screen.

So engrossed in the detector was he that he didn’t hear their next destination, he barely paid it any heed until they passed through large double doors and the smell hit him. Blood, straw and stale vomit. He nearly dropped the device to the floor as he felt his own stomach flip over, threatening to empty its contents right here.

With sweaty palms he fumbled the detector back into his pocket in a desperate bid to keep it safe, before he looked around them. It was a hospital. A very basic hospital for the size of building. No wonder they wanted medicines…

It was only when John caught his eye that he realised he hadn’t moved from the doorway; he forced his feet to move, and reluctantly followed the others through the reception area where openings led off to different wards. It was by no means busy but the groans of patients still reached Rodney’s ears from a few of the bays, and he felt a shiver run down his spine at each one.

He swallowed thickly as they walked further into the building, his stomach still doing somersaults and he could feel his right leg start to tremble each time he put weight on it. This wasn’t a good sign. He sucked in a deep breath, held it and released it slowly through his nose, trying to gain some semblance of control over his own reactions, but it only seemed to make the smell more intense and he felt cold sweat begin to trickle down his neck.

He needed to get out of here.

His head was starting to feel fuzzy, his throat dry and…was it getting harder to breathe? Oh God, was he having a heart attack? There could probably be worse places…actually no, he doubted they’d have a good adrenaline shot or defibrillator here.

He closed one hand into a fist, letting his nails dig into his moist palm in an attempt to calm himself down, focusing on the pain rather than the world around him. It seemed to do the trick for a moment, his head felt a little clearer and his leg’s trembling seemed to calm until another noise reached his ears and it was all undone.

A scream echoed down the corridors, bouncing off the walls until it was impossible to tell exactly where it had come from. Without thinking he threw his hands up to press them against his ears, desperate to block out the sound but it was no good, the scream continued to reverberate around his brain. It wasn’t a scream of pain – no, it was the scream of the insane.

“Rodney?” John’s face swam into view in front of him, his hands gripping Rodney’s forearms as concern washed over his features. He tried to open his mouth, tried to say anything that might reassure his friend but he couldn’t.

All of a sudden his legs gave way and John had to reposition his arms to grab him before he hit the floor. The scream continued to ring in his ears and he closed his eyes, trying to block it out but all it succeeded in doing was conjuring up the image of his cell, the straw across the floor, the lattice of light on the floor as it shone through the ceiling, the smell of blood and torture…the sound of screams and yelling all around him.

He couldn’t breathe. There was a vice around his chest, squeezing too tightly for him to suck in even the smallest amount of air. His whole body was trembling and cold shivers ran through him. He was going to die. He had to be dying.

From somewhere far away he heard his name being called again, thought he could feel the ghost of hands on him, pulling him, pushing him, but it meant nothing. All he could see behind his closed eyelids was his cell and E’Char.

His cellmate’s face felt like it was burnt onto his retinas, even when he forced his eyes open briefly it swam in front of him. Panic and concern were etched across those features he’d grown to know so well, the lines that had developed and deepened during their friendship. The glint that had always hung behind his eyes was dimmed now. He saw E’Char part his lips, mouth something that may well have been his name but he couldn’t hear him now, there was a rushing in his ears and his lungs were burning.

_I’m dying._ It should have shocked him, in fact it would have done a few months ago, but now he almost welcomed it. It was nothing more than he deserved; why shouldn’t he die terrified and struggling? There was a poetic justice in it. With that thought Rodney gave up his final weak grip to consciousness and allowed himself to drop into darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back, hope you've all had lovely weeks and you enjoyed this chapter, even with a little cliffie!


	14. Chapter 14

The scream echoed around the stone walls of the cell, managing to make it seem endless. The pitch pierced through his ears and seemed to dig deep into his brain, causing his hackles to rise and his teeth to grind. There never seemed to be a single pause in the noise, it just kept on going as if the tortured soul emitting it didn’t need to breathe anymore. It was always like this near the end.

As the yell continued to ring around the cell, and the entire prison too he was sure, Rodney pushed himself to his feet and began to pace. It had become a habit over the past year he’d been stuck here, it felt as though it was the only thing that could help him ignore the cold, hard terror that the screams would create within him. The knowledge that he could so easily follow their descent into madness. He’d lost his freedom, his home, his team, the only thing he had left was his mind and the longer he was kept here the more he realised just how easy it would be to lose that as well.

“Not long now.” E’Char murmured from his position on the floor, his legs crossed under him and his eyes closed. Rodney knew he was trying to calm him, to try and reassure him but it didn’t work. It never worked, not when he knew exactly _what_ wouldn’t take long. Even in the space of a year they’d been through this routine often enough to know what was coming next.

Rodney continued his pacing, retracing steps he’d taken hundreds of times now between two walls of the cell as his thumb rubbed against the fraying material of the inside of his sleeve. Throughout it all E’Char remained silent and still – you could almost think he was asleep, if it weren’t for the slight furrow of his brow, which was his only show of discomfort.

Eventually the cries ended abruptly and a shiver ran down his spine. They could never tell if it was a natural end or if it had been accelerated by a guard but either way he hated it. He could remember the first time it had happened; he’d been so glad that the noise had stopped but E’Char had soon set him straight and it had stopped him in his tracks. He was sure that if there had been more in his stomach at the time he’d have thrown up right then and there…small mercies.

Even though the yells had stopped Rodney didn’t quit pacing for a while, he kept up his route until he began to feel his mind quieten.

“Not sure how many more of them I can take.” He muttered as he finished walking and moved back to his usual patch of wall, he slid down it, grunting at the pressure on his knees as he went down.

“You’ll find ways.” E’Char always the voice of reason and experience. Over the past year he’d wormed his way into Rodney’s affections, just like his team had, burrowed past all of his defences and then all of a sudden Rodney couldn’t really remember what life was like without him.

“I’d rather leave.” He offered with a shrug. They’d had this conversation so often and it alternated between Rodney being so sure Atlantis would find him and E’Char not wanting him to get his hopes up, to Rodney being sure they’d left him behind and E’Char telling him that they wouldn’t have done so willingly.

“I have found writing works well at distracting me.” His friend offered after a moment of silence, turning his head and cracking an eye open to look at him. Rodney fixed him with a sceptical stare.

“I must have forgotten, please be sure to send me your latest edition of War and Peace.” He rolled his eyes and turned away, folding his arms across his chest. Whilst they might have known each other a while now, and whilst E’Char might have done a passable job at teaching him a whole new Math that didn’t mean that at times he didn’t found him completely infuriating.

“In my head, Rodney.” E’Char replied patiently, still watching him with one eye open. “I have hundreds of stories up here. Maybe I should tell you one sometime.”

“A bedtime story, how civilised.” His friend chuckled and Rodney felt some of the stress of the earlier screams leave him at the noise. It still amazed him that the other man could laugh after so long stuck in here, and it amazed him still further than _he_ could make him laugh.

“You should try it sometime.”

“I haven’t had a bedtime story since I was three, I don’t need to start again now.”

“I don’t mean a story,” E’Char barked out another laugh, before he started to hunt around the straw near him. Rodney watched him curiously. “I mean write something. Anything. You could practice the Math!” He let out a small noise of triumph as he lifted three pieces of what looked like flint into the air. Carefully he tossed them over to Rodney, who picked them up, nonplussed. “You can use those to write with.” His friend grinned across at him, gesturing towards the wall to the side of Rodney.

“What? Write on the walls?” Rodney reached out and picked up one of the pieces, running his thumb over the sharpened points. E’Char must have been using these before he arrived, because he sure as hell couldn’t remember seeing him with them before now.

“No need to sound so scandalised, Rodney. It’s just a cell. Besides with the regular hygiene cleanse it’ll be wiped quickly enough, as good as new.”

“It’ll take hours to even begin to write on that, it’s solid!” He exclaimed but already he was on his feet, flint in hand and moving over to try it out.

“Exactly, it’ll keep you occupied.” Was E’Char’s final response before he settled back in his previous position, his eyes closed and his face relaxed. Rodney didn’t bother to respond, instead he set about his new task with a vigour he hadn’t felt in a year. At least this way he could keep his mind occupied, keep his brain ticking over and maybe, just maybe, when Atlantis came to find him he’d still be here to greet them.

oooOOOooo

When Rodney awoke it was to find a crowd around him, faces peering down at him all wearing the same concerned, confused expression. It took him a moment to remember what had happened and then he felt his face flush in embarrassment. He’d passed out. He’d thought he was dying and then he’d just…blacked out. Oh God.

He swallowed thickly, his mouth suddenly very dry, before he tried to force himself upright. As he did so he felt a hand on his chest, resting there gently but firmly.

“Whoa, buddy, just lie still for a moment, okay?” John’s voice reached his ears and then his friend’s face appeared before him as the others pulled away. He caught John’s eye and the other man smiled, “Hey, how’re you feeling?”

“Great.” His voice was hoarse and it seemed to spur John into action as he pulled out a canteen, he placed one hand under Rodney’s neck to lift his head slightly and gently tilted the canteen against his lips to let him drink. Rodney gulped it greedily until his friend pulled it away, muttering something about making himself sick.

“Do you remember what happened?” John asked as he put the canteen away and removed his hand from Rodney’s neck.

“I passed out and now everyone’s looking at me like some sort of circus freak.” Now he’d had something to drink he was pleased to hear his voice sounded stronger; John seemed to be happy with it too as he finally let Rodney actually sit up.

“That didn’t just look like passing out, Rodney.” John murmured once he was sure Rodney was safely sat up and wasn’t about to keel over again. “The scream –“ He cut himself off when Rodney shuddered at the memory, “I think we should head back to the ‘Gate.”

“I’m fine.” Rodney replied quickly, pushing himself to his feet and trying to ignore the head rush that followed. He swayed slightly on the spot and he felt hands on his shoulders, grasping him firmly.

“There are plenty of things I’d call you, Rodney, but fine isn’t one of them.” He tried to shrug off John’s grip but it didn’t seem to have any effect. “Teyla’s already dealing with the village leaders, we’re good to go. And we’re going.” John’s tone brooked no arguments and Rodney sagged, defeated.

What must they think of him? Not the villagers, he didn’t give a damn what they thought, but the team. His first mission out since Agratha and he hadn’t even managed to get through it without humiliating himself. He was a liability. He couldn’t be trusted to make it through even the simplest negotiations without collapsing because someone in the same building screamed. What did that say about him? God, how he could be so weak, so pathetic.

If he’d reacted like this to a scream what was to say he wouldn’t do the same with another noise, or worse? What if he could never get through a mission again without collapsing or having a flashback or panic attack? The Agrathi had not only fucked with his mind but they’d ruined his ability to be an actual functioning member of the team. He couldn’t be trusted with off-world missions now. What if he passed out when there was something important to do? What if he collapsed during a firefight and someone else had to risk their own life trying to get his sorry-ass home?

They were slowly taking everything from him.

Rodney barely paid any attention to what was going on as they left the village, his mind was a whirl of darkness and fear. Fear that he’d lost any use to the expedition - fear that they’d all realise it. He didn’t notice when they reached the ‘Gate, didn’t spot when the event horizon rushed out towards them and probably wouldn’t have moved if it weren’t for a hand on his shoulder guiding him through.

It was only when he appeared on the other side of the ‘Gate that he came back to himself, blinking at the gentle sunlight that was filtering through the long windows onto the ‘Gateroom. Someone had obviously radioed ahead because Carson was stood waiting for them, along with Elizabeth, his concern obvious even though his professional mask was in place.

Rodney felt his heart sink at the knowledge that his team had ratted him out so quickly. If this had been any other mission, under any other circumstances they would have held off letting Atlantis know until they were back, unless he was actually injured. As it was, they obviously thought he was so much of a liability that they needed to get him checked out straight away. Probably before he was pulled into a quiet conference with Elizabeth where she told him he should take a rest from active duty for a while. He might have been terrified about going off-world again but that didn’t mean he wanted to be holed up here with no promise of actual missions for the foreseeable future.

John’s hand finally left his shoulder as they re-emerged into Atlantis, although Rodney couldn’t tell if it was from his own volition of if he’d shucked him off without thinking.

“Okay, lad, how about we get that post-mission check-up sorted?” Carson stepped forwards, offering him what was surely meant to be a reassuring smile, but it did nothing except stir Rodney’s irritation.

“I’m _fine_ , Carson.” He snapped back before he turned away from them all and began to make his own way to the infirmary. There was no way he could get out of the check-up, they were routine after every mission and if he didn’t show up they’d just send someone to drag him down – it had happened once before when he’d gotten carried away with a new gizmo and he certainly hadn’t enjoyed it. At least if he went of his own accord it might make calm some of them down enough to _leave him alone_!


	15. Chapter 15

Carson watched Rodney leave not the least bit reassured by his friend’s assertion that he was okay, and not just because it had been practically spat at him like an insult. He’d had his doubts about okaying Rodney to go out on off-world missions, but in the end he’d figured that there probably wasn’t going to be a _good_ time for him to start back and Kate had told them that more normalcy in his routine and life would help his readjustment.

Clearly it hadn’t quite worked out as they planned.

“What happened exactly?” He asked John, gesturing to one of the nurses who’d accompanied him to the ‘Gateroom to follow Rodney, at least to make sure he actually went to the Infirmary and not off wandering to the labs or something.

The Colonel pursed his lips and ran a hand through his hair, ruffling it even more than usual. For someone who was usually so well controlled, who kept his emotions so close to his chest, Carson was surprised that even he could feel the worry rolling off him in waves.

“I dunno, Doc,” He breathed, his eyes still fixed on the door Rodney had left through, “How about we walk and talk?” He suggested after a moment, and Carson could tell he was unwilling to give too much away in a room full of people.

Next to him Elizabeth seemed to bristle slightly, but she didn’t put forward any objection to being kept out of the loop. In fact she stepped back, allowing them to walk away side by side as she remained watching them out of sight.

“I think it was a panic attack.” John admitted once they’d reached the relative safety of the corridor, with Teyla and Ronon following not far behind. “He just sort of…stopped. You know Rodney, he never stops, he’s always fidgeting or something but this time he was just still. Then he just dropped, I had to grab him before he hit the floor and then he passed out.”

“He appeared to be having difficulty breathing.” Teyla supplied from behind, her voice soft so as not to attract attention of anyone else who may have been in the immediate vicinity.

“Sure sounds like a panic attack,” Carson nodded, “Do you know what brought it on?” He turned his head to include the other two team members in his query.

“There was a scream?” John shrugged, but Teyla was quick to supply more of an explanation.

“Taber, one of the leaders, took us on a tour of their hospital, they wished to show us their situation to allow us to best advise you on aid they may require. During the walk he advised us that they have a wing specifically for people who have suffered great trauma of the mind.”

“They’re insane.” Ronon added succinctly.

“I believe the scream of one of the patients may have brought forth a memory for Rodney, which led to his…” She trailed off, as though unwilling to give what had happened a name. Carson could understand that. Panic attacks were horrible things to experience first-hand, but to watch them unfold was hardly pleasant either.

“You think that noise took him back to Agratha?” He queried after another moment’s silence; they were making steady progress to the infirmary now and he wanted to get the most out of the team before they reached Rodney.

“Sometimes all it takes is a smell or sound and you’re back in hell.” Ronon’s response startled him and he glanced over at the Satedan with wide eyes. The whole time he’d been in Atlantis Ronon had seemed to try his utmost to not give away anything about his past, but this small sentence was telling enough. The things he must have suffered on his planet and whilst running from the Wraith were unimaginable.

oooOOOooo

How long had it been now? Months? Years? He’d lost count at some point down the line. The days and weeks had melded together quickly, leaving his sense of time completely out of whack and before long it had dragged any remaining vestiges of hope of salvation away with it. There was no way Atlantis were coming to get him now; if they’d been planning on it then they’d have done it by now, they wouldn’t have left him to rot for so long.

The only things keeping him sane nowadays were the ability to write (and re-write) on the walls of cell and his cell-mate. His best friend. He winced at the thought but it was true, had been for a while. They’d had very little choice in the matter, being stuck together 24/7 but still E’Char had really made himself a little home in Rodney’s heart.

It had taken Rodney so long to make any real friends in his life and then suddenly he’d popped over to the Pegasus Galaxy and had made several in a short space of time. He’d been nervous at first, unsure what to make of these people who seemed to actually want to be around him, but eventually he’d slipped into easy banter and not quite so easy affection. As for E’Char, well it had been easier to just get along than not, and the other man was rather hard to dislike. Rodney had tried, during those first couple of days he’d kept his distance but it hadn’t lasted long.

His stomach rumbled loudly, the noise echoing off the walls and causing his friend to chuckle. Rodney scowled and rubbed his belly, trying to push the dull ache that was there constantly nowadays away.

“Hungry, are we?” E’Char called from where he lay on the floor, turned away from Rodney.

“When aren’t we?” He grumbled as his stomach growled again. “How long’s it been since they fed us last? Days? Weeks?”

“Hours, I think this time.” Came his friend’s good-natured reply, but Rodney huffed in response.

“You know we need to save as much as we can, Rodney. They can stop at any time.”

“I know, I know!” He threw his hands up and went back to pacing. He knew E’Char was right, they needed to store as much food as possible, the guards didn’t care if they starved to death or not so often wouldn’t turn up with food for days, weeks…Rodney couldn’t tell how long anymore. The first time it had happened his hypoglycaemia had acted up; he couldn’t really remember much of what had happened, but he could still see E’Char’s terrified expression in his dreams sometimes.

His cell-mate had screamed for what seemed like hours to get someone’s attention, he’d beaten his fists against the door and created such a stir that a guard had had to come along to stop the commotion. According to E’Char they’d jabbed Rodney with something, some kind of syringe, thrown some bread to E’Char and then walked away. From then on he hadn’t had any problems, it was like they’d just put a stopper on it. He was sure Carson would be all over that sort of development, but…well, he wasn’t likely to see the Scot for a good long time now.

Rodney supposed it was that moment that had probably brought the two of them closer, he’d been grateful that E’Char had actually stuck his neck out to get him help, and E’Char had naturally been delighted that he didn’t have to have an empty cell again. That along with their shared love of Math (granted very different types) had proved the basis of a surprisingly strong friendship, and now he couldn’t really imagine not having E-Char around anymore.

A rustling startled Rodney from his thoughts and he turned in time to see his cellmate pushing himself upright and shuffling towards the back wall. He watched him curiously until he saw E-Char pulling out one of the loose stones at the base, he was about to protest when his stomach made another noise and he stayed silent.

“Here.” E’Char turned and threw a piece of food towards him, Rodney caught it with a little effort and stared down at it.

“I thought we had to save it?” He asked, still staring at the chunk of bread.

“Yeah, well we probably have enough to keep us going for the moment. Besides if your stomach’s going to be that loud I’ll never be able to sleep!” His friend’s grin took any potential sting out of the comment and Rodney returned the smile gratefully.

“Thanks.” He replied, breaking a piece off and popping it in his mouth. He chewed slowly, just as E’Char had taught him in order to help him cheat his brain into thinking he’d eaten more than was actually making its way down.

E’Char settled down again on the floor, but Rodney caught his attention before he could close his eyes and start to doze again. He took one more piece of the bread and then threw the rest back to his cellmate, who caught it nonplussed.

“Might as well share.”

oooOOOooo

The post-mission physical had been torture. He’d sat on the bed being poked and prodded by a nurse who seemed intent on bruising him everywhere, whilst also fielding questions from Carson about what was being deemed his ‘panic attack’. No amount of rolling his eyes or trying to brush off the concern had worked on the mother hen of a doctor, and if it hadn’t been for John stepping in he probably would have lost his temper again with him.

That had been enough to scare him back into silence and the second the nurse had finished with him he’d slipped out of the infirmary. He’d heard Carson’s calls after him but had ignored them – it couldn’t have been that important because the doctor didn’t even try to call him back on the radio.

Rodney had made his way back to his quarters and locked himself in there for a few hours, sat on the floor with his back against the wall as he tried to get everything straight in his mind and figure out what his next steps were going to be. There’d be the standard post-mission briefing, where Elizabeth would be informed of what had happened and probably then find out he’d been skipping his counselling sessions and then he’d be ordered back to them.

It wasn’t fair. None of it was fair, this whole situation was just insane! He’d been trying so hard to be normal, to get back to his usual ways of working and living but clearly it hadn’t been enough. He’d lapsed during the mission and had allowed those ‘memories’ to get the best of him. It was bad enough having E’Char turn up randomly in Atlantis, without having his mind assaulted with recalling things that never actually happened during a mission.

Everything was compounded by the fear that stayed lurking at the back of his mind, the worry that he wasn’t up to this anymore. What if this was what the Agrathi had planned when they’d sentenced him? What if implanting those memories was just the first step in their justice system, and the fall out was the real prize?

How could he hope to carry on his work if he couldn’t even guarantee he could go off-world without incident anymore?

After hours of sitting in silence, his knees and back protesting violently at the prone position, he’d finally come to a decision. It wasn’t one he was wholly happy with but every train of thought seemed to lead him back to it. He had to resign from the team. It was the only way he could almost guarantee staying on Atlantis, whilst getting a grip on his mind. If he could stay in the lab and prove himself invaluable, like before, then he’d be safe but if his behaviour off-world continued like today…they might have no choice but to send him back to Earth.

It didn’t take long to draft his resignation, he shoved it in a spare envelope from one of his desk drawers and without really thinking he’d left his quarters and headed back to the control room.

The city around him was dark and quiet, only the occasional night shift personnel wandering about could be seen. If Rodney hadn’t been quite so caught up in his own thoughts he might have been surprised at the time!

He entered the ‘Gateroom and barely acknowledge the two guards stationed by the ‘Gate, instead he hurried up the stairs and through the control room, his letter still clutched in his hands. One or two faces looked up to watch him pass by, but no one tried to get his attention or queried why he was there and for that he was thankful.

Elizabeth’s office was also in darkness, her laptop, overhead and desk lights all switched off and her chair tucked neatly behind her desk. Everything looked so normal everywhere, just as it had since he’d returned from Agratha and he was only just beginning to notice that part of him was bothered by that. He wanted there to be somewhere in this vast city as violently changed as he was. He wanted a room where things were ripped from the walls, where tables and chairs were overturned, where pain and despair emitted from every surface…but no, everything was normal. Except him.

With care that he didn’t really need he stepped into her office and laid the envelope on her desk in front of her chair. She’d see it tomorrow and they could go from there. There might be some half-assed attempt to change his mind, but he knew deep down they wouldn’t really mean it. It wasn’t as though he’d been the best of choices for a ‘Gate team anyway, and now he was basically a liability.

He knew that was what they were thinking. All of them.

At least this way he could try to prove that his most important feature, his brain, was still running and still capable of extraordinary things. He quickly silenced the treacherous voice at the back of his mind that kept whispering that maybe, just maybe, he was actually starting to lose it.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a long one today, it didn't want to break up into two chapters so thought we'd just have it all instead. We're starting to get some depressive thoughts now (and some bits of violence) so just wanted to give you a heads up.

“Why don’t you tell me about the city again?” Rodney bristled at the question – he’d felt on edge for hours now and the last thing he wanted to be doing was answering inane questions about a place he was fairly certain he’d never seen again. What did his friend want to do to him? Cause him more pain than he’d already had to deal with here?

All around them the screaming continued but this time it was a mixture of madness and torture. Before he’d been thrown in this hellhole he’d never known you could tell the difference between them, but after however many years stuck in this cell he’d come to recognise the different frequencies. At first he’d found it almost interesting in a sick sort of way but now the noises just grated.

“Why? It’s not like there’s anything new to tell.” He replied, tempted to put his hands over his ears in an effort to block out the noise but deep down he knew it was useless. There was something in this prison that seemed to broadcast the horrors to every individual, at times it almost felt like the sounds were inside your head rather than outside. It was just one of the many wonderful ways they’d found to slowly chip away at their prisoners’ mental faculties.

“Maybe not but talking about it always tends to relax you,” E’Char was leant against the back wall, his legs crossed beneath him, up until that moment he’d looked the picture of tranquillity but Rodney had known better. Over the years E’Char had found the best way to block out the screams around them was to try and meditate, or at least a variation of it. Naturally Rodney had thought it was the stupidest thing he’d ever heard, but even his reasoned arguments hadn’t been able to sway his friend. “And right now your pacing is getting a little distracting.”

Rodney halted in the middle of the room, his shoulders tense and his whole body practically vibrating. How dare he?! He knew that Rodney hated the noise of their fellow prisoners around them, he knew that there were only two ways he’d found to cope with it: pacing or writing on the walls, and now he wanted to take one away? Ridiculous!

“Distracting? How is me moving distracting you from doing literally nothing?!” He cried, throwing his hands in the air.

“Trying to clear your mind whilst someone’s kicking straw and sand around is slightly difficult.” E’Char’s tone was so calm, so pleasant…in any other mood it would have been a balm to Rodney’s temper, but with his fear and agitation so high it only succeeded in pouring gas on the fire.

“It’s not as if there’s much going on up there in the first place, I doubt clearing it’s much problem. Besides it’s not as if you’re any less distracting! Constantly ‘ohming’ and ‘ahing’ over there, honestly why don’t you just start snoring it’d be quieter!” Rodney started up his pacing again, deliberately kicking any loose straw or sand he could find. He watched E’Char out of the corner of his eye and felt a twisted satisfaction as he saw something tick in the other man’s cheek.

“I think you need to take a breath and calm down, Rodney.”

“Don’t tell me what I should be doing!” Rodney practically yelled, his volume seeming to encourage the noises outside as they grew louder as well. Without really thinking he stopped his pacing and instead with almost three strides he was in front of E’Char, his arms reaching out to drag him upright but his cellmate was one step ahead of him and was on his feet in seconds.

“Rodney!” His hands had fisted into the tattered collar of his friends shirt, but the exclamation of his name, the hint of fear in his friend’s tone was enough to reach him through the red mist which had started to descend.

This wasn’t him! He didn’t go around grabbing people or fighting with them, at least not physically. He wasn’t exactly the right build for it and he definitely didn’t have the right strength, but here he was trying to channel his inner He-Man! It was ridiculous!

Slowly his fingers uncurled from his cellmate’s collar and he babbled what he thought might have been an apology. This was all getting too much! What was this place turning him into? It felt like every time the people around them started to scream and yell a little piece of him just…disappeared, like it died somewhere. There were times when he felt like he was drowning, losing himself in the sea of misery and madness all around him and he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to come back. Even E’Char’s calming presence didn’t feel like it’d always be enough to bring him back from the whirlpool of darkness and despair.

Dimly he was aware of a hand rubbing his shoulder, of a soothing voice around him but he couldn’t really concentrate on it. All he could feel was the fear, curled low in his gut, that one day he’d be just as bad as the others around them. One day his mind would be lost for good, destroyed piece by piece by the Agrathi until he was an empty husk. In a way it made him think of the Wraith, except instead of sucking the life from people, they took their sanity.

That had always been one of his biggest fears: losing his mind. He’d spent so long cultivating it, expanding it and for years it had been his only source of pride that to lose it completely could hardly bear thinking about. Yet here it was _all_ he could think about. 

“Rodney, look at me!” The uncharacteristic sharpness in his friend’s voice caught his attention finally, dragging him back from the yawning chasm he kept finding himself looking down on. “You’re okay!” Oh how he wished he could believe him. “You’re not like them, do you hear me? You’re not going to turn into them, I promise. You’ve got me. I’ve got you. We’ll be okay.”

“…Okay.” His voice was hesitant, practically trembling as was his whole body again but he didn’t care. He took a deep breath and finally the noises around them seemed to settle.

oooOOOooo

“You’re resigning?!” Rodney jumped at the sudden noise, his heart leaping into his throat and his fingers flexed against air. He spun in his chair to find the culprit and was met by a pretty furious Colonel Sheppard.

“Elizabeth told you then.” He replied, amazed that his voice sounded so calm despite the receding panic flowing through him. 

“Of course she told me!” John shot back, moving closer but his volume remained the same. “Why the hell are you resigning?!”

“You know why, Colonel.” It was easier to slip back into formalities, especially when this was a conversation he really didn’t want to have to deal with. It wasn’t the first time he was thankful that the lab was empty.

“Because of the last mission? Rodney, that’s no reason to quit the team! We all have off days, doesn’t mean you should just leave at the first hurdle!” Rodney bristled at that and John must have noticed because he carried on before the scientist could butt in. “I know you’ve had a hard time recently with Agratha and everything, but we all knew this would take time to work through. I shouldn’t have let you go into that hospital, I should have thought about what could happen in there and I didn’t, that’s on me, Rodney, okay? But just because it happened on one planet doesn’t mean it’ll happen on every mission we go on.”

“It’s got nothing to do with that!” It was a lie but it tripped easily off his tongue, just like they all did nowadays. “It may have escaped your notice, Colonel, but I happen to be a scientist first and foremost and because I was forced, _against my will_ , to keep away from the lab for several months my team are hideously behind on repairs, experiments, on vital work to try to give us an advantage against the Wraith and every other godforsaken species out here who’s taken it into their heads to try and kill us!

“Despite what you may think our little romps through the Stargate are not my main priority here. I have to keep this city running and if I’m not around that leaves Zelenka who, quite frankly, couldn’t even run a playgroup, let alone a bunch of scientists, effectively. For the moment my time’s better spent here, in the lab, rather than running about in the wilderness with Zena, Conan and Atlantis’ answer for Captain Kirk.”

Rodney’s voice had risen as his tirade went on, he couldn’t help it, his fear was guiding him without him even realising it. It was like a snake, curled tight in his belly, rearing its ugly head every time he was confronted by a friend, by a memory…by _anything_ it seemed. He could never escape its presence; it had been a part of him for so long now he barely knew what it was like to be without it. He wasn’t sure he could cope without it.

“You’ve always managed the two jobs before, you’ve never complained about this before, so excuse me if I don’t believe this is just about work.” John’s voice rose to match his and there was a slight colouring high in his cheeks, which Rodney hadn’t seen for a while. In fact the last time he could remember seeing the Colonel this animated was Doranda.

Rodney’s stomach flipped at that memory; even after all that had happened since then he could well remember the pain of losing a friend’s trust, it had perhaps grown even stronger after Agratha, after he…

“You can believe whatever you want, Colonel.” He replied, ignoring the bitter taste of bile that had risen in his throat. “Elizabeth’s accepted my resignation so I’m not your problem anymore, you don’t need to put on this little charade anymore.” With that he swivelled his chair back to face his laptop, intending to bring the whole sorry scene to an end.

“Not my problem? Rodney, what the hell are you talking about?” John’s voice was dropping now, some of the anger at the unexpected news seemed to be leaving him but Rodney didn’t turn to face him again. “Rodney? Talk to me, please.” The pleading tone in the other man’s voice almost broke him but he held on – he knew John didn’t mean it. Not really.

“Just leave it. Just focus on actually doing your job for once and let me get on with mine.” The venom in his voice almost surprised him; the two of them had argued before, had been mad with each other before, but deep down most of the insults he’d thrown he’d never really meant.

For a moment John just stood behind him, Rodney could feel his presence and his eyes boring into his back, but then he heard the squeak of shoes against the tiled floor as the Colonel turned and left leaving him in silence. Only for a moment.

“Go after him. He cares about you, they all do, they just want to help you.” E’Char’s voice ripped through what he’d been hoping would be a period of peace, but apparently he was destined to never enjoy that again. If it wasn’t irritating Colonels wandering around then it was a hallucination trying to make his life a misery.

“What do you know about it?” He shot back, trying to focus on the work on his screen.

“Because I’m your friend! Just like he is. We care about you, _we_ want to help you.”

“We’ve been through this before!” Rodney pushed himself back from his laptop and slammed the lid of it down before he stood, rounding on E’Char, his whole body vibrating with barely surprised rage. “You’re not my friend. You’re not real! You’re up here,” He jabbed at his forehead, “And the rest of them wouldn’t give a damn about me if it weren’t for the fact that I’m smarter than everyone else on this planet put together.” E’Char held his gaze just as calmly as he’d done all those times in the cell, when Rodney had ranted or raved about something trivial. He’d always been such a tranquil presence, able to soothe even the most rattled of nerves but now it only added to the flames of Rodney’s temper.

“They only care about getting the old Rodney back. Someone who can fix any problem, work any device, save the day at the drop of a hat. But we both know the old Rodney McKay’s dead and buried!”

“He’s not dead –“ E’Char tried to interject but Rodney cut him off.

“I’m not the man I was when I left here. _You_ know that.” The look on E’Char’s face at that comment would haunt Rodney for hours after, but in spite of that he grabbed his laptop and stormed out of the lab, leaving the apparition behind.

oooOOOooo

The salted air hit his face with more force than he’d expected as he stepped out onto the balcony. The wind was whipping up the waves far below him, turning the tops to white foam and causing them to strike the city with awe-inspiring strength. Up in the sky grey clouds swirled around, dark enough to make the day seem dull but not enough for one to perceive a threat of rain.

Rodney took a deep breath, forcing the cold air deep into his lungs in a desperate bid to cool his temper. It had been raging ever since his confrontation with John, he’d been hoping it would ease during the walk to his quarters but it had only seemed to build inside him, becoming an almost unbearable pain in his chest. He’d thrown his laptop hard against the far wall of his quarters and hadn’t even felt the smallest satisfaction as it smashed into pieces.

Then he’d turned on the walls, his scribbles littered the whole place and just seeing those lines, those letters and numbers had caused that snake in his belly to rise again. A scream had torn from his throat, guttural and primal as he grabbed whatever he could reach and threw it at the wall before him, watching books, a tablet, a chair smash to pieces but, of course, the equations remained fixed.

_An ever-fixed mark._

_Out, out vile spot._

When he’d run out of items near him he’d stopped, panting heavily and rubbing at his chest as fire seemed to bubble from within him. It hadn’t taken long for the walls to seem as though they were closing in, suffocating him and he’d stumbled through the mess on the floor, palmed his doors open and had hurried to the only place that had seemed to offer some form of sanctuary.

His balcony.

His hand still rubbed at his chest (if he’d been in his right mind he would have been surprised that he wasn’t even panicking over chest pain!) as he moved towards the railings. Above him birds wheeled and soared and he thought he could see, off in the far distance, a small spray of water which might have been from Sam.

Rodney leant heavily against the railings, letting his head hang down as he tried to get a grip on himself. This anger was starting to scare him more than the hallucinations or panic attacks, it reminded him too much of how he’d felt on Agratha when he’d…no. Enough.

He sucked in another deep breath and closed his eyes, counting to ten before he released it slowly. He repeated this several times and finally he felt the snake inside him begin to quieten. It had taken far too long to achieve this small victory…in fact, as he started to calm he realised it was taking longer to diffuse his anger each time.

Finally he let his hand fall from his chest as the burn began to ebb away, instead he let it clasp around the railing and he focused on the cool metal beneath his skin.

“Rodney?” Why couldn’t people just leave him alone? Did they not get the fact that he didn’t want to talk to anyone? Did they not realise that he needed space? He didn’t need people around him constantly, pressing their thoughts, their opinions and their concerns on him all the fucking time.

“What?” He snapped, not even bothering to lift his head. The rage that had just begun to leave him was bubbling again beneath his skin – he sucked in another breath, held it and released it in an effort to try and keep his composure for a little while longer.

“I wanted to check you were okay.” Trust Carson to feel the need to be a busybody.

“I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” He couldn’t even bring himself to inject fake cheeriness into his voice, he just kept his head down as his fingers tightened on the railing.

“I heard about your resignation.” Carson’s voice was nearer now, he must have joined him at the railings but Rodney didn’t bother to look at him.

“Come to tell me I’m an idiot as well?” He asked with a healthy dose of sarcasm.

“Of course not.” Carson’s voice was so calm, so familiar, almost comforting but it wasn’t enough to break through Rodney’s ire.

“Strange. Everyone seems to want to tell me what I should be doing recently, how I should be handling things. You’re normally the first person to stick your oar in.” Rodney shook his head, finally lifting it to look out at the sea. He’d just wanted to have a few moments up here alone so he could calm himself down, but he was never allowed to be on his own now it seemed. No matter where he went, what he did, someone was always there, telling him he needed to be better, to work harder at getting over this.

“You know that’s not true.” A part, a small part, of him wished he did. This part of him wanted to really believe that the people he’d called friends did care for him, but it was drowned out by the storm inside that reminded him that no one had cared for him. No one had loved him, really. Even if they did once he always managed to destroy it, to destroy them.

“You know we care about you, Rodney. We just want to help you.” Rodney rolled his eyes and scoffed loudly. “Colonel Sheppard mentioned you had an… argument.” The understatement wasn’t lost on either of them.

“Did he now.” Rodney wasn’t surprised. John had probably gone straight to Carson to complain about him, tell him that he needed to be forced into Heightmeyer’s office or stripped of his duties. He was probably going to Elizabeth right now and bitching about him, if he hadn’t gotten to her already.

Carson must have heard something in his tone, perhaps had caught the glimpse of steel there because Rodney could see him, out of the corner of his eye, tense.

“Come on now, lad, he’s just a bit concerned that’s all. He thought I might be able to help.”

“Of course, ‘cause you’ve been such a big help so far.” He rolled his eyes, resolutely still staring out at the sea as the waves crashed onto the piers before them. Above them a bird shrieked, its piercing call quickly being swallowed up by the wind and waves.

“That’s not fair, Rodney. I’ve tried to help, we all have, but you’re not letting us in.” There it was, a hint of annoyance in Carson’s tone and Rodney felt a twist of pleasure. Finally he was starting to break down that calm, caring façade.

“I’ve already told you, all of you, that all I need is to be left alone! I’ve told you how I want to deal with this, but none of you listen! None of you know what I’ve been through, you have no idea, but you all think you know how to ‘fix’ me, don’t you?!” His own voice was rising but the wind was whipping the volume away, he couldn’t decide if that was a blessing or curse.

“You’re right, we don’t know you went through out there because you haven’t told us. You haven’t even spoken to Kate about it! You’re keeping it all bottled up and, from where I’m standing Rodney it’s not working. You’re lashing out, you’re throwing yourself into work, you’re having bloody panic attacks that ye won’t talk about and you’re definitely not sleeping!” Carson’s accent was getting thicker the more worked up he became, in an odd way Rodney almost wanted to laugh.

“You don’t know that.” He replied in reference to the last comment and he felt, rather than heard Carson’s sigh.

“Bags under your eyes, pale skin, short temper – I’m a bloody doctor, Rodney, not an idiot!”

“Could have fooled me!” With a great effort he pushed himself away from the railings and turned to the face the Scot. There was a moment, a brief moment, when he was somewhat taken aback by the furious look on Carson’s face but he quickly recovered himself. “You’re about as good a doctor as you are a pilot, Carson! Unless you’ve forgotten we’re all pretty busy at the moment with at least a hundred different threats, and yours truly is usually the one who’s got to sort things out! It’s not exactly surprising that I’m tired – I’m always tired! Being tired’s the sign I’m doing my job right! Just because you can’t deal without your full 8 hours beauty sleep doesn’t mean the rest of us are that pathetic.”

“Oh really? How many threats have you been singlehandedly conquering then, ey? Did I miss a Wraith invasion recently? Must have been fast asleep when that happened.”

“Sarcasm doesn’t suit you.” Rodney shot back, rolling his eyes.

“And this anger does’nae suit you.” It was like someone had stuck a pin in Carson, he seemed to deflate before Rodney’s eyes as his fight just left him. “I’m just – I know I’ve said it a thousand times, but I’m _worried_. I hate seeing you like this and not being able tae help you. As your doctor and your friend I’m concerned about you, I want to help.”

Rodney practically growled at that – he’d had enough of people telling him there were worried, he had enough of their half-arsed concern.

“I don’t want your help,” He spat, stepping closer so he was practically nose to nose with the doctor, his hands twitched by his side, desperate to reach out, grab his collar, push him until his back bent over the rails, “I don’t need your help, I don’t need your friendship, I just want to be left alone!” Carson stared at him with wide eyes and Rodney spotted something akin to fear flickering within them, just like – no!

Before either of them could say another word he turned on his heel and walked back through the door into the corridor, leaving Carson staring after him.

His heart was hammering in his chest as he left, his emotions were an absolute mess and he had no idea which to focus on first. His anger was still vying for attention – it wanted to grab Carson, shake him, hurt him, strike his point home. But the fear that he’d already detected in the other man’s face was enough to dull it. It was too similar to his memories, too close to the bone to do anything other than make his stomach churn.

He could have hit Carson. In that moment he could have smacked him in the jaw, he could have lashed out, could have reached out and – that thought hit him like a tonne of bricks, kicking him in the gut. He could have, no he'd _wanted_ to, wrap his hands around his throat…It was too late, Rodney couldn’t stop himself from ducking into a small alcove and throwing up what little food had entered his stomach so far that day.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick little TW, we're getting into some dark, depressive thoughts here and without wanting to spoil the ending Rodney's not in a good place, please if this will affect you it may be best to skip this chapter.

The walk to the control room seemed to go on for hours and it wasn’t just because Rodney was dragging his feet, reluctant to actually end his journey. He was well aware why he’d been called to see Elizabeth – he’d known, even without her clipped tone and the expressed interest that he should come straight to see her without diverting anywhere else. His little meeting with Carson would be the cause; there was no way the witch doctor wouldn’t have run straight to their Commander-in-Chief to snitch on him.

He was well aware he’d lost his temper when he probably shouldn’t have, but it wasn’t as though it was the first time that had happened. They’d known when they’d brought him along on this expedition that he wasn’t the easiest person to get along with, that he’d rub a few people up the wrong way and vice versa.

Except this time things had been different, a little voice whispered in his ear, this time he’d been ready to harm someone. Even in his wildest rages in adulthood he’d rarely ever thought to resort to violence, he’d always relied on his superior brain power over anything else, it was only on Agratha that things had started to change. He’d been ready to really hurt Carson, someone who he’d always considered a friend. That wasn’t normal.

His footsteps echoed around the empty corridors, reverberating in his ears and beating in time with the slight pounding of his head. He had no idea what to think anymore, about himself, this whole situation or anything. It was as though there were two of him in the one body – he couldn’t help but shudder at that as memories of Cadman’s little stint in there returned. At least this time he knew the two versions cohabiting were definitely him, but he didn’t know how to control either of them anymore. Every time he thought he had a handle on it something came out of the blue and knocked him back to square one.

He’d been hoping that work would fix some of the worst of his problems, that he could lose himself in the intricacies of technology or the beautiful music of calculations and he’d be fine. It hadn’t worked. He’d tried so hard but no matter what he did it didn’t seem to make any difference. His anger was constantly bubbling, threatening to boil over and he couldn’t do anything to stop it anymore. He felt like a coiled spring, ready to bolt or fight in an instant.

The fear didn’t help either. He couldn’t remember a time when he hadn’t been terrified – scared of not being able to do this job, terrified that they’d send him back to Earth, worried that he wasn’t good enough anymore, petrified of losing his mind still after everything that had happened. The cold terror was always there, always present somewhere in his body, mixing with the fiery furnace of his temper to create a veritable storm inside. He was a walking, talking Hurricane Rodney and nothing could calm it.

Eventually he reached the ‘Gate Room and started up the stairs, his headache increasing as he drew nearer his destination.

“Rodney.” He looked up at his name and found Elizabeth waiting for him at the top of the stairs, her expression was neutral but it made Rodney’s stomach churn all the same. She’d worked with politicians long enough to know how to school her features and ensure she gave nothing away. “I thought we’d be better off in the briefing room.” She gestured to her right and waited for him to walk past her before she followed.

This didn’t feel right. He’d been expecting a quick telling off, maybe being forced to apologise to Carson for being out of line, but the fact that she was making this more private set alarm bells ringing. He felt his shoulders tense as they stepped into the briefing room and the doors closed behind them.

“Please, take a seat.” Elizabeth’s tone, polite as it was, brooked no refusal so he sat quickly, clasping his hands together in his lap. Elizabeth settled herself next to him and he fought against the urge to push his chair away and put more space between them.

The whole atmosphere in the room seemed to become oppressive and he shifted uncomfortably, his fingers already starting to tighten together in his lap, turning pale with the pressure.

“I’m sure you’re aware of why I asked to see you, Rodney,” Elizabeth was watching him, trying to catch his gaze and he had to force himself to hold it. “I hear you had an argument with Doctor Beckett today.”

“I argue with everyone.” It was easy to fall back into simple, snarky replies, it had been ever since he’d gotten back. The sarcasm could keep people at arm’s length.

“I won’t disagree,” A hint of a smile crossed Elizabeth’s face but she seemed to suppress it quickly, “But I believe today was slightly different to your usual…expression of opinion.”

“It was nothing.” He tried for airy but probably missed by a mile.

“I believe you also had an incident with Colonel Sheppard.” Shit. He’d forgotten about the Colonel. How could he have forgotten about that?!

“He didn’t approve of my resignation, it was a difference of opinion.” He tried to shrug but his upper body was too tense, beneath the desk his leg started to shake.

“Doctor Beckett also said that you’ve missed several of your counselling sessions with Doctor Heightmeyer. You’re meant to see her at least once a week.” Rodney was finally beginning to see that this wasn’t just going to be a quick dressing down; how could he have been so stupid?!

“I’ve been busy with work, you know what it’s like. I’ve just not had time to fit them in.” His leg was juddering faster now and he had to press his clasped hands down hard on it to stop it.

“Part of your conditions for returning to work were that you would continue your counselling sessions.” Rodney felt his eyes go wide at the implication behind those words, his fingers tightened their grip and turned white in his lap.

“You’re right,” He agreed, nodding “I’ll make an appointment to see her tomorrow.” Perhaps there was still a way to save this.

“No, Rodney. You’ll go and see her today, now in fact, I’ve made an appointment for you.” His leg started to tremble again against his hand.

“I’ve got a lot of work to try and finish, Eliz-“ She cut him off with a raise of her hand; another time he might have bristled with indignation but not now.

“You’ll see her today, Rodney. I’m sorry, but I have no choice but to relieve you of duty. You’ll go and see Kate now and continue to see her every day until she believes you are fit to come back to work.” The whole world around him seemed to crumble in that instant, the edges of his vision went black and his headache seemed to spike suddenly. There was a rushing in his ears as she finished speaking. This couldn’t be happening.

He swallowed thickly, blinking rapidly to try and bring the whole room back into focus. He dug his fingernails into the back of his hands in a bid to get a grip.

“Elizabeth, please give me one more chance.” He wasn’t used to pleading, the tone felt foreign on his tongue but he couldn’t stop himself. They couldn’t take away his work, not again.

“I’m sorry, Rodney, but in Doctor Beckett’s opinion you’re unfit for duty.” She reached out and touched his arm softly, but he couldn’t help jerking away. “What you went through on Agratha, what you’re going through now, you need help, Rodney. This is for the best.”

The best for whom? For them maybe. They could shove him away in a corner, throw him to the shrink and carry on with their daily lives. They could forget and move on, and he’d be left with nothing to do but think and remember. Eventually they’d give up on him and they’d send him back to Earth. He’d be removed like a wart from the expedition and someone else would take his place. Someone nicer, someone brighter, someone better.

It was over. The Agrathi had won, hadn’t they? They’d taken his freedom, his friends, his work…his life.

It was odd, after months of a broth of emotions inside him suddenly he was empty. There was nothing. No anger. No fear. Just nothing.

Without even realising what he was doing he’d agreed with Elizabeth and left the briefing room, his feet carrying him back down the stairs. For once his brain didn’t seem to be turning, no thoughts were rushing across it in quick succession; it was just blank.

Numb. Every single nerve, muscle, tendon, fibre of his body was numb. He couldn’t feel the floor beneath his feet, the breath of wind across his face as he moved. He couldn’t hear the noise of people chatting as they passed. There was just nothing. Only a yawning chasm which had seemed to open inside him, a black hole that was sucking in every thought or feeling into it.

It was nice, in a way. No more hurting, no more thinking.

Nothing.

oooOOOooo

Rodney couldn’t even begin to figure out how long he’d been walking for. He could have been moving for only minutes or for days, his feet moving independently of his brain, his eyes staring unseeing at the walls and rooms of the city passing by. For once his brain was blank, barely a thought stirring or registering. The silence would have been disquieting if he’d been able to notice it.

Somewhere deep down he could feel the steady hum of the city around him, he could feel the familiar warmth reaching out to him, or rather out to his fake ATA gene. Over the few years they’d been here he’d started to find it almost a comfort, whenever he’d left on a mission and returned it had felt as though Atlantis was welcoming him home personally.

There had been many times when he wondered if the Ancients had done something more with the city, perhaps started to tinker towards making it something sentient, but he’d squashed those ideas each time. There hadn’t been time to explore and even if he did, what was the point? Now though the presence had started to become almost invasive. A constant reminder of what he’d had. Of what he’d lost.

At some point during his journey he’d discarded his earpiece, but where and when he couldn’t begin to imagine or care. It would be laid somewhere on the floor, broken now after he undoubtedly stepped on it. The perfect symbolism for this whole sorry affair.

His feet continued to carry him forwards, making all of his decisions for him. A left turn here, follow the corridor, avoid the lift, second right. He could let his body carry him wherever it wanted whilst he just existed in this odd sort of limbo. He felt almost hollow, as though someone had reached in and turfed out all his organs, all his muscles, nerves, everything. He was just a husk. It was almost as if he’d been fed on by a Wraith, except they’d taken his soul and left the outer shell intact.

The chill wind hit him the second the doors open, biting through his jacket and trousers to attack the flesh beneath. Beyond and beneath him the sea was churning, white foam spraying into the air as the waves hit the piers of the city. The seabirds were back as well, whirling across the sky, gliding in the wind and crying out mournfully as they moved. Thick grey clouds loomed above, bringing with them the threat of rain, but as he stepped out onto the balcony none was yet falling.

The cold was almost a relief as he felt it soak into his very bones – at least it was a feeling. Up until that point everything had just been so numb, so completely void of thought or sensation that the shivers that began to run through his body were almost comforting. It also seemed to kick start his brain, which had been seemingly running on empty for…however long he’d been wandering.

Thoughts, memories, worries, everything came pouring back in and for a moment they felt almost overwhelming. He swayed on the spot at the assault from within his own mind, before he squeezed his eyes shut and tried to put everything into some sort of order. He’d always been so good at compartmentalising everything. Every idea, every wish, every emotion had its own little box and he could just tidy them away when they weren’t needed. Granted some of those boxes were close to overflowing (they had been even before all this) but the system had always worked before.

Once the initial onslaught was over he risked opening his eyes again. The same dreary grey light met him again, the same screaming gulls whirled above him, the same city stretched out before him. A city he barely belonged in anymore.

Rodney moved forwards to the barrier, letting his forearms rest against the chilled metal as had become his custom. He stretched his back out as he leant down and cricked his neck, trying to settle the tempest that was still stirring in his mind. He was well aware what had happened over the past couple of days, the past several months really, but that didn’t make Elizabeth’s comments any easier to swallow. Perhaps he had been too quick to anger with Carson, maybe he hadn’t made enough effort to see Heightmeyer, but taking away his work? Again?

He let out a deep sigh, which was quickly carried away by the wind. How could they do this to him again? He’d already had long enough without his work when he’d first got back from Agratha and that hadn’t exactly helped matters. If they wanted him to get back to normal why didn’t they just let him _be_ normal? He could cope perfectly well without some shrink asking him inane questions all the time, and he probably would have coped a lot better if people didn’t treat him with kid gloves or ask him how he was every five seconds.

He let his head drop as his temper flared. He’d tried so damn hard to get back to who he was, who they all wanted him to be and it hadn’t worked. It hadn’t been enough. He wasn’t enough anymore.

All those times he’d sat in his cell in Agratha wishing, even praying, to get back to Atlantis but since he’d actually got back all he’d found was grief. Every step he tried to take away from that place just seemed to stir up more memories – memories that shouldn’t even exist! That was the real killer. If he’d actually lived through those twenty years, if he’d come out of it twenty years older then maybe things would be different, but he hadn’t. He’d come out it looking perfectly unscathed whilst inside…well, he hadn’t wanted to admit it, but inside he’d died.

The anger which had bubbled in his chest soon died, extinguished by the chill of not only the weather but of the realisation inside him. Over the past few months his temper had become a constant companion; he hadn’t really noticed before. It was always there, always niggling at the back of his mind, ready to pounce at the slightest provocation. But without it he felt empty. It was as though someone had scooped out his insides and he could either replace them with fire and fury or nothing. He was either angry or a shell.

Slowly he lifted his head back up, staring out at the sea without really seeing anything. Ever since they’d come to Atlantis and found themselves fighting tooth and nail for survival, he’d always wondered what would break him. It had never been a question of if, just when. He’d kind of hoped it would be after some big, heroic battle when he’d saved everyone from certain death. Well, maybe ‘hoped’ was the wrong word, but it would have been a hell of a lot better than this. Instead what had been his undoing was all fake. No one would ever really know what had happened to him, no one could ever truly sympathise or understand. He wasn’t a hero, not even close. He was the villain.

A shudder ran down his spine at the thought but he couldn’t even begin to deny it. No one on Atlantis knew what he’d done or what he was truly capable of. Maybe they really would be better off without him. Maybe he should just go back to Elizabeth and save her the job of deporting him in a few months, he could just give up now and head on back to Earth. He could go back to his house, his cat, his sister.

Would they want him though? The niggling voice that kept appearing at the back of his mind told him ‘no’. His cat was better off with his neighbour. His sister had her own family now and he didn’t exactly fit the whole ‘Uncle Rodney’ thing. He hated kids, that much had always been obvious to anyone, and she’d only grow up to despise him too. Like everyone else.

He pushed back from the railings slightly, letting his hands grip the metal instead. The cold bit into his skin but the feeling seemed to come from far away, like there was a barrier between it and him.

What was the point of being here now? Eventually he’d end up telling Heightmeyer too much at their stupid sessions, or getting angry again and then what? If he didn’t voluntarily go back to Earth they’d force him and he’d end up back at square one, except this time how could he ever be happy going back to a standard day job? The SGC weren’t likely to want to keep him on – they didn’t like him, so why would they want him around when they could just pack him off back to…Siberia probably.

He’d spend the rest of his life pining for this city, for the people and never being able to tell anyone about it. He’d lose his friends, his job…how could the Agrathi have done this to him?! They’d ruined his entire life just because he’d opened a fucking door!

“YOU’VE TAKEN EVERYTHING FROM ME!” He yelled at the top of his lungs into the air. The words were swallowed by the wind. “EVERYTHING!” He slammed his palm down onto the metal bar, as a sob wracked his body. He knew he was nothing without his work, but he hadn’t realised that he was nothing without this city, without its people. They’d crawled into his heart, buried in deep and now he was going to lose them all.

His palm hit the metal again, a shock running up his arm as another sob was wrenched from him. His vision was growing blurry as tears began to fill his eyes, spilling down his checks. His lungs were burning from the frigid air.

The city around him remained quiet and still, only the waves were in motion, and only the sky saw him sob.

How was this fair? He’d worked so hard, so bloody hard and all for nothing.

He was going to be kicked out of his home. He was going to lose his friends. He was going to lose everything he never knew he’d wanted before now.

Nothing more than he deserved, came the snide, sneering voice from the back of his mind. He didn’t deserve the city or its people. He might be the smartest but what did that compare with the others who lived here? John was brave, Ronon was loyal, Teyla was kind, Elizabeth was strong, Carson was caring…what could he ever add to that? Sarcastic remarks and constant grumbling. Great.

They would be better off without him, the voice muttered darkly. Of course they would. They’d actually be able to enjoy this mission without worrying he was going to throw a hissy fit at any moment. They wouldn’t have to worry he’d blow his top at the slightly provocation. They wouldn’t have to know that he’d…

He swallowed thickly, his throat dry. The voice in his head was speaking constantly now, muttering, whispering even yelling horrible things at him and he couldn’t do anything to stop it. Everything it said was true. He wasn’t the same person anymore, he was different, changed…he was dangerous. Another gulp. He could hurt any of them at any time. He’d thought about that with Carson, hadn’t he? He’d been ready to reach out, grab his throat and squeeze the life out of him just like…

It’s better this way.

Rodney didn’t even notice what he was doing, his body was on autopilot as he clambered over the railings. He only came back to himself when his feet rested perilously on the edge of the balcony, his back pressed against the barrier and his arms behind his back, holding onto the metal. Below him the waves crashed against the edge of the city, beckoning.

This was the best thing for everyone. He closed his eyes, sucked in a deep, calming breath and tried to clear his mind for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to imagine the 'Eastenders' theme tune playing at the end of this chapter, it's the only thing that fits a cliffhanger!


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will admit I felt mean leaving you with that cliff-hanger! But we're getting near the end now guys, so I hope you won't hold it against me too much. A quick tw: we have violence coming up, it's not incredibly graphic but if you're a little unsure maybe miss out the memory.

“Rodney?” A hesitant voice sounded behind him, but he didn’t bother looking round or opening his eyes. He just focused on the wind rushing against him, the noise of the waves below him and the voice in his head, dripping poison into his ear. “Rodney, lad, what’s going on?”

“Go away, Carson.” He hissed, his fingers tightening reflexively on the barrier. The last thing he needed was Carson around to watch his final fall from grace. If he could just leave him alone then Rodney could go in peace, he could be washed out to sea and forgotten.

“Not likely.” Carson’s voice was closer now and that knowledge was enough to force Rodney’s eyes open; he turned his head towards the doctor and felt his heart sink at the panic etched in those well-known features. He swallowed against the sudden lump in his throat.

“Please, Carson.” He pleaded, softer than before. The last thing he wanted was for Carson to have to witness this.

“You don’t want to do this, Rodney.” Carson seemed to twitch before him, as though he wanted to reach out but thought better of it at the last moment.

“You sure about that?” Rodney replied, turning his head to face out to sea again. The waves beneath him continued to churn and crash, whilst the clouds above grew darker.

“Rodney, I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve been through I know, but this,“ Out of the corner of his eye he saw Carson gesturing towards the great expanse of air before them, “This isn’t the way to handle it. Please just come back here and we can talk about it. Just us. _Please_.”

“I’m not doing this for me.” He spat back, his fingers twitching against the bar again. “I’m doing this for you. For all of you. I’m doing this to make it easier…to keep you safe.”

“Keep us safe from what?” He could hear the puzzlement in Carson’s tone and, God, he could feel the fear radiating off him in waves.

“From me.” His voice dropped again, soft as a whisper but when he turned back to look at Carson he knew he had heard him. He held the other man’s gaze for a moment before a movement beyond the doctor caught his attention. E’Char. Rodney swallowed again; his cell-mate was watching them both, the same concern on his face as on Carson’s.

He’d never noticed before how similar they were…

“From you?” Carson repeated, his brow furrowing as he noticed Rodney’s diverted attention but he didn’t dare look away.

“I’m not the man I used to be.” Beyond them E’Char moved closer, his own hands reaching out as though to touch but…he wasn’t real. “I’m dangerous. I –“ He stopped himself, wrenching his gaze from his cell-mate back to the real, living man near him. “I wanted to hurt you yesterday.” He breathed, the admission feeling like a knife to his gut. “I could have –“ He cut himself off again and turned away, he could feel tears begin to burn at the back of his eyes and he turned his head up to the sky, trying to blink them away.

“But you didn’t.” How could Carson make it sound so simple? Even Rodney couldn’t stop the small hiccup of laughter that escaped him at that. He really had no idea, did he?

“That doesn’t matter. I _wanted_ to. And John. And Elizabeth. All of them.” He sucked in a shuddering breath as the wind whipped around him.

“Rodney, I might not know what you’re going through or what happened on Agratha, but I know _you_.” Rodney shook his head, but Carson kept speaking, “No matter what you might have wanted to do, you didn’t. You didn’t hurt me, or John or Elizabeth. We’re fine.”

“You don’t know what I’m capable of.” He could feel his legs beginning to shake as he stood there, but he didn’t dare move.

“Aye, lad, maybe not. But we none of us know what we’re really capable of. What matters is our actions in the moment, not the could haves or maybes. In the heat of the moment maybe yeh wanted to lash out, but you didn’t. You didn’t because even after everything you’ve been though, everything they did to you on Agratha, you’re still a _good man_.”

“You sound like E’Char.” Rodney couldn’t stop himself and he heard a small intake of breath come from beside him. It was E’Char not Carson.

“Who’s E’Char?”

“He’s…” Rodney paused, turning his head back to look at where his cell-mate was standing just behind Carson. He was close enough that, had he been real, the doctor might have even felt his presence. “Not real. Just a memory.” He finished lamely, holding his old friend’s gaze.

“Someone from Agratha?” Carson prompted and Rodney nodded. His palms felt sweaty against the metal barrier, despite the chill around them, but E’Char was nodding slowly, a small encouraging smile on his face.

“It’s time.” E’Char murmured.

“Yeah.” Rodney replied, although he wasn’t sure who his response was to.

“Who was he?” Carson tilted his head, trying to catch Rodney’s gaze again as he took another step closer.

“He was…” E’Char nodded again and Rodney could only suck in another breath before he plunged onwards, “He was my cellmate.” There. It was out. No taking it back now.

“Your cellmate? I thought you were alone?” Rodney shook his head, forcing himself to look back at Carson.

“At the end I was. A couple of weeks, maybe? It was easy to lose track of time. But until then…he was there.” A chill ran down his spine at the words. He’d spent so long keeping this inside, hiding this away from everyone that the thought of revealing it all terrified him. It would be so much easier to just let himself fall now, to take his thoughts and secrets to the water but he didn’t. Something forced his grip to tighten around the railing, to keep his feet fixed to the small section of building beneath him.

“What happened to him?” Carson prodded gently, his eyes were fixed on Rodney and his expression…God, it was so open, so trusting. He didn’t want to shatter this illusion Carson had of him. He didn’t want to be the one who made him realise just how broken, how messed up, how…evil he really was, but he had no choice.

oooOOOooo

The whole place was eerily quiet – it had been for hours now, or was it days? Time had lost all meaning years ago. He’d lost track of how long he’d been here, he’d even forgotten what life was like outside this place. Atlantis, even Earth, seemed like a dream. This was the only place he’d known for so long and it seemed as though he was never going to leave. He’d be stuck in this cell for the rest of his life, which probably wouldn’t be that much longer at this rate.

He couldn’t remember the last time they’d actually fed them, but it had to be the longest period they’d ever gone without food. Both he and E’Char had tried to be careful with their rations, eating as little as possible to try and conserve it as best they could but even those had run out now. Every day all he could think about was food and yet every day he was confronted with the fact that there was none.

Rodney lay on the straw-covered floor and stared up at the ceiling, desperately trying to ignore the ache in his stomach. It had been there for…days? Who knew? He couldn’t really remember a time without it, but certainly since they’d stopped being given proper meals it had gotten worse. It was a constant reminder of his hunger, which didn’t help when all he wanted to do was forget about it!

Somewhere nearby he heard E’Char shuffle around but he didn’t even have the energy to turn his head to look. They hadn’t spoken in, well, a long time. Not necessarily because they didn’t want to but because neither had the energy to actually force words out. Besides, they knew each other well enough by now to read each other without the need for conversation.

How much longer would they be forced to stay like this? Surely it couldn’t be too much longer before they died of starvation! Although dehydration was the thing that would finish them off the quickest, his brain unhelpfully supplied. They’d gotten through the last of their liquid not that long ago. It wouldn’t be long before that started to compound their problems too.

He’d spent so many years worrying about ways the Pegasus galaxy could kill him that he’d never really believed that something as simple as lack of food or liquid would actually get him. That didn’t mean he hadn’t panicked about it during missions – he could vaguely recall one or two occasions where rations or canteens had run low and he’d kicked up a fuss. Now there wasn’t really much point.

“Is there really nothing left?” His voice was hoarse, his throat dry and parched already. It was a stupid question, in fact it was more of a whine, as though somewhere within him he thought E’Char could just produce meals from thin air. If he could he’d waited a fucking long time to reveal that super power.

“Really.” E’Char’s voice sounded as bad as his own, grating against his throat and against Rodney’s ears.

“We should have stockpiled more.” He grumbled, glaring up at the ceiling. They should have seen this coming. The guards liked to keep them guessing with food supplies, why hadn’t they thought that this could be a possible outcome? He was meant to be so damn intelligent but he hadn’t even thought of this possibility.

“We couldn’t have known,” E’Char shifted on the straw, his body scraping and scratching against it, the noise causing a cold shiver to run down Rodney’s spine. How could something so innocuous be so irritating? “They’ve never left us this long before.”

“I told you _weeks_ ago that they were getting ready for something.” Even though he knew it wasn’t strictly true he couldn’t help but reply. He had told E’Char that he thought the guards were planning something, but at the time he’d been thinking along the lines of new beatings, not withholding supplies.

“We couldn’t have known.” E’Char repeated and the patient tone of his voice only served to feed Rodney’s annoyance. How he could be so damn calm all the time? They were going to die here, starve to death in a disgusting cell on some disgusting planet and he was okay with that? He was happy to just lie back and let his body slowly work its way through all the fat and muscle stored in it, and then eventually just snuff out, weak and in pain?

The klaxon sounded around them, followed by the familiar reminder that they were entering a dormancy period. It was only a few more seconds before the lights started to flicker out above them, forcing them into semi-darkness. It was never pitch black in this place, there was always some sort of light from somewhere, a glow illuminating the dank cell, as if their captors didn’t want them to ever forget exactly where they were.

On the other side of the cell he heard E’Char shifting on the straw, the noise only grating further on his nerves. Could the man never stay still? It seemed like he was purposefully trying to be as irritating as possible. Maybe he was. Maybe that was his whole plan. Maybe he wanted to push Rodney to his limits and then maybe get him forced out of their cell? Maybe he wanted Rodney out.

The darkness around him didn’t help the turn of his thoughts, or the bristle of irritation that still ran through him. Over the past year he’d found himself quicker to anger than before, his temper was always lurking so close to the surface now. E’Char had made the mistake of telling him it was his age and it had ended in a blistering row. Rodney had refused to apologise.

With a huff he rolled onto his side, his eyes drifting closed of their own accord. It was too much effort to keep them open anyway. All around them the prison was still so quiet, not a single sound seemed to reach them. It didn’t help the anxiety tugging at his mind, which was in turn feeding his temper. He’d become so used to a routine whilst stuck here – okay, so occasionally they deviated from it when the guards did shit like this and stopped feeding them, but more often than not they had their usual activities, their usual times for everything, the standard noises of the other prisoners around them but now, now he was thrown out of kilter.

At some point he must have fallen asleep, in spite of his aching limbs and stomach, in spite of his raging emotions, he’d drifted off for…well, he had no idea how long. It wasn’t like the Agratha had shoved up a wall clock for them. It took him a moment to realise what had roused him but when he cracked an eye open he saw his cell mate was up and moving. He lifted his head slightly, opening his other eye to try and get a better look.

E’Char moved carefully, cautiously towards the other wall. His feet were shuffling in the sand, the sound seeming to carry so much further and louder in the gloom. As he reached the stone he turned, forcing Rodney to duck his head back down so he could pretend to still be asleep. He kept an eye open just a crack though. He watched E’Char look towards him, obviously checking if he’d been disturbed, before he turned back to the wall. Slowly he bent down to the floor, reaching out and easing one of the rocks at the bottom of the wall away.

Rodney felt his stomach sink. E’Char had food. That was the only explanation. He was getting to his stash in the dead of night so that Rodney wouldn’t know. He felt sick and he had to hurriedly swallow against the rush of acidic bile that seemed to storm up his throat. How could he do this to him?! After everything they’d been through, did he really mean so little to E’Char? He’d thought they were friends.

He continued to watch as his cellmate reached into the gap left behind the rock, he could hear the gentle rustle of fabric as it was moved aside. He was going to eat. He was going to take his fill whilst Rodney slept and then, what? Wait for Rodney to starve to death? How long had he been doing this? Did he have more rations littered around the place that he’d never mentioned before? How long had he been going to sleep on a full stomach and then the next day pretending he had any idea what Rodney was going through?!

A numbness had spread through him initially but it was soon replaced with anger…no, that was too calm a word, it was nothing short of rage. It was like a fire that started in his stomach, fuelled by the pain of his hunger, that spread out to lick at every part of his body. A red mist seemed to descend around them, turning the cell an unnatural colour but all he could focus on was E’Char, knelt on the floor and guzzling greedily away at the food he’d hoped to hide.

It all seemed to happen in a blur. One second he was on the floor the next he was stood behind E’Char, his hand on the back of his ripped, tattered shirt and he was hauling him upright. The confusion and then fear that flashed across his old friend’s face did nothing to staunch the fury inside him, instead it seemed to stoke the flames. Why wasn’t he guilty?! Where was the guilt at being ready to watch his best friend waste away in this God-forsaken cell?!

Words were exchanged, although Rodney had no idea what they were. There was blood rushing in his ears blocking out all noise, except the thump of his own heartbeat and all he could focus on was E’Char in front of him. The rest of the cell had slipped out of focus.

There were punches thrown on both sides, Rodney dimly felt a fist connect with his jaw and then managed to land his own in the soft flesh of his cellmate’s stomach. They struggled, E’Char was yelling at him, his hands scrabbling to find a purchase on Rodney’s own ruined clothes. He could only growl, reaching out to grab at the nearest part of E’Char that he could reach. His fingers clutched at cloth before moving higher, his nails scratching at the skin of this throat before his hands managed to grab hold.

He wrapped his hands around E’Char’s throat, his fingers flexing briefly before instinct took over and he pressed harder. His grip continued to tighten even as E’Char reached up to try and pull him away. He felt nails digging into the dry, scabbed skin of his hands, desperately trying to get some sort of purchase, but he ignored it. All he could concentrate on was the all-consuming hatred for the man before him.

How could he have been so stupid?! This had probably been going on for years. Every time their food supply was cut and he’d worried as their rations dwindled, E’Char had probably been laughing at him behind his back. He’d probably been waiting for just this sort of opportunity, for Rodney to finally just die and then he’d be back on his own again. This whole thing, this whole attempt at friendship had been a lie.

At those thoughts his grip tightened again, his thumbs pressing hard and deep into his oesophagus. E’Char’s eyes were wide, bulging, his hands still scrabbling against Rodney’s to try and get some space where he could breathe. His face was turning red, his mouth gaping as he tried to suck in air.

Before long E’Char’s legs gave way and the two of them fell to the floor, Rodney landed on top of his cellmate with a grunt, but his hold never lessened. He pushed himself up with his knees and continued with renewed vigour, ignoring the thrashing of E’Char’s legs. He just needed to stop struggling!

As if by magic he did. His arms fell to his side, his legs ceased their kicking and E’Char lay still. Rodney released his grip, pushing himself away and wobbled towards the hole in the wall. He stared in but what he saw…it wasn’t what he was expecting. There were two fabric bundles there. One had been opened and the other was still closed, he flicked the cloth to reveal another set of rations. There were two sets here.

“You were saving them for both of us.” He realised, his gaze switching between the two bundles before he barked out a laugh. He reached up to brush against the blood now drying on his lip, “You’d saved enough for the two of us! Why didn’t you say anything?!” He turned back to E’Char, who was still lying on the ground.

He stretched his leg out to tap on his friend’s foot but he had no response. A sudden cold dread began to fill him as he watched the still form in the straw.

He couldn’t be…could he? No. He hadn’t held him that hard or for that long. It wasn’t possible. Maybe he’d just knocked him out. Yeah, that had to be it.

He tapped his friend’s leg again with his foot but was still met with no response. With his heart hammering in his chest he edged closer to E’Char, his gaze running up and down his friend’s body in a desperate bid to spot the rise and fall of his chest or the thump of a pulse somewhere. Still he found nothing.

His hands were shaking, his palms clammy as he drew nearer and reached out towards E’Char’s bruised neck. He just needed to find a pulse. Once he found that he’d be fine. They’d be okay. He’d apologise for being such a jerk, they’d end up laughing about this in a few years. His fingers were clumsy and he could barely feel anything, even as he pressed them desperately against his cellmate’s throat.

“Wake up!” He yelled suddenly, giving up on the pulse to instead grab his friend’s shoulders and shake him roughly. There was still no response but it caused E’Char’s head to loll towards him.

Every inch of him went numb. His hands ceased shaking, his brain stopped whirring and for a moment he could have sworn his own heart stopped beating. E’Char’s eyes were open, wide and glassy and staring right at him. Unseeing.

“No, no, no, no.” Rodney stammered, pushing himself violently away from his…from the _body_ , but the eyes seemed to follow him, fixing him with their blank gaze. He felt the wall hit his back, forcing him to stop and he sat, his breathing suddenly laboured as though he’d run a marathon not scooted across the floor a few feet.

This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be happening!

All at once everything seemed to crashing back to him; he could hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears again, he could feel the straw scratching his skin through the rips and tears in his battered clothes, he could feel the cold sweat dripping down his palms and his forehead.

He was dead. E’Char was dead.

He’d killed him.

The realisation seemed to flick a switch inside him and suddenly Rodney was retching on the floor at his side, his stomach burning as all it had to remove was bile. It scalded his throat and mouth as it came, spilling onto the floor in a pitiful display. He didn’t even have enough in him to throw up properly anymore. For a few more moments he dry heaved, his whole body shuddering at the effort.

After what felt like an age, he was able to right himself, leaning his back against the wall. He closed his eyes, as though he could ignore the corpse of his best friend lying just in front of him if he didn’t actually look at it. It was useless. The vision was seared onto the back of his eyelids.

_What had he done?!_

His whole body continued to shake as he sat there. The prison around him was silent and still but now it was no longer unsettling, no, the silence was accusatory. He could almost feel the eyes of prisoners and guards alike on their cell, judging and condemning him.

He’d killed E’Char. He’d murdered him. In cold blood.

_His best friend._

The shaking was soon accompanied by sobs; wretched, harsh, grating sobs that felt as though they were being ripped from his body. Every single one caused fresh waves of pain to roll through him but he didn’t care. Tears ran down his cheeks, dripping down onto his clothes, his throat felt as though it was lined with razors, tearing at his vocal cords with every heaving breath.

oooOOOooo

“Oh Rodney.” The pity in Carson’s voice made his stomach turn and he lifted his head up to stare at the sky. He didn’t deserve that tone. He’d killed someone. He’d wrapped his hands around a man’s throat and clung on until he’d pushed the last breath from his body. In that moment he’d wanted E’Char to die and he’d gotten his wish.

“I know it’s not real,” He sucked in a breath to try and push the tears back that were threatening to spill over his cheeks once again, “But it’s…I can’t – it’s still here.” He lifted a hand from the railings to point, unnecessarily towards his head. If he’d been paying more attention he’d have noticed Carson start at the movement and take a few steps closer, but he didn’t. His attention was drawn inwards.

“Rodney, what happened in that cell and on Agratha, that’s not your fault.”

“What?!” Rodney turned his head to face him, his brow furrowed. “Of course it was my fault. I knew what I was doing. I wanted to hurt him – in that moment I wanted him dead. All because I thought he was holding out on me, holding back food…but he was going to share with me anyway! I never…he was my best friend and I – I murdered him.” At that his gaze drifted to E’Char, stood behind Carson’s shoulder, shaking his head.

“Rodney –“

“No, Carson! I did it, it was me. I made the decision to do it, no one made me. I just lost it. I lost control of my temper and I can’t let that happen again! It’s too dangerous. _I’m_ too dangerous.” He could feel his resolve returning; it had fluctuated when Carson had appeared but the more he spoke the more he began to think that this really was the right thing to do.

“You are _not_ dangerous, do you hear me?” The tone caught his attention, it was stronger, harsher than he’d heard from the doctor in a long time. “Rodney, you are many things but dangerous is’nae one of them.”

“Of course I am! It’s not just this that’s proved it – you know what happened on Doranda. This was an escalation and it’ll only get worse! I can’t just sit back and watch as I put my friends –“ my _family_ , his brain supplied, “at risk like this.” There was no way he could stop the tear that began to roll down his cheek but the wind seemed to whip it away swiftly. “It wouldn’t have mattered if E’Char were you or John…I’d have done the same thing. I’m no better than an animal.”

“That’s not true,” Something warm wrapped around his arm and he glanced down, it was Carson’s hand. He couldn’t help but stare, the touch felt so alien…how long had it been since anyone had actually done this without him pulling away? Something as simple as reach out and pat his shoulder or hold his arm? He swallowed involuntarily, but the pressure through his jacket was oddly calming. “No animal would think twice about hurting another, they wouldn’t beat themselves up like this and they certainly wouldn’t think about jumping.” His friend squeezed his arm ever so gently and Rodney felt something loosen in his chest.

“The Agratha did everything they could to break you, and maybe for one tiny moment they managed it, but if you were truly as dangerous as you say you are…you wouldn’t be about to do this. You stopped yourself from hurting me the other day, _you_ did that, no one else stopped you. You made the decision to walk away. If you were truly dangerous you wouldn’t be ripping yourself apart like this.

“You hate what you did so much - you hate yourself so much you think you deserve to _die_. Rodney, that couldn’t be further from the truth. I know I’ll never be able to fully understand what you’re going through, but please let me try. Let me help.” The tone in his friend’s voice caught his notice and he felt his breath catch in his chest. “Just come back onto this side of the railing, ay lad?”

He forced his gaze from E’Char’s face to Carson’s. They were wearing the same expression; a mixture of fear, concern and…pain. He swallowed thickly, staring at his friend before him, taking in every line, every crease, the well-known bags under his eyes that talked of too little sleep and too much stress. The wrinkles around his eyes that always deepened when he smiled or when he laughed out loud at something Rodney had said. His face was pale, except where the wind seemed to be battering against his cheeks, and his nose looked a little red too. This man had been one of the first people to befriend him, one of the few people who honestly liked him for him.

Time seemed to grind to a halt as they stood there, holding one another’s gaze with Carson’s hand still on his arm. The sincerity in his friend’s eyes seemed to have touched something in him, it was almost like a small light had flicked on in the darkness that had swallowed him for so long. The expression on Carson’s face, the warmth of his touch, it all seemed to scream at him that no matter what Rodney did he’d always be there for him. He’d care about him, love him, whatever you want to call it – he’d be there.

How had Rodney not noticed the similarities before? The Agrathi had used his own mind to create the perfect cellmate for him; they’d seemingly taken all the best of Carson and fashioned E’Char.

As the wind around them seemed to grow in ferocity Rodney came back to himself, he turned his head away from Carson, looking out once more to the sea in front of them. Before it had looked inviting, it had been calling out to him but now…

“Okay.” He murmured, the word barely audible over the rushing and crashing around them but Carson seemed to get the gist. Carefully Rodney moved around and allowed his friend to help him back over the barrier. His feet hit the solid floor but his legs were too shaky to support his weight, he fell hard to the floor. His knees bore the brunt of the impact but he didn’t care, it was as though at that moment the dam inside him burst. The torrent of emotions that he’d tried to lock up over the past months seemed to explode; sobs were tearing from his throat, tears rushing down his cheeks. The last time he’d been this weak he’d been alone in his room, he’d forced himself to stop and get back to normal.

Suddenly he felt warm arms around him, pulling him close. For a moment he tensed, unused and almost unwilling to be comforted but soon he melted against his friend. He wrapped his own arms around Carson, burying his face in his neck as his whole body shook with the force of his sobs.


	19. Chapter 19

The infirmary was quiet, something he’d been exceptionally glad for when Carson had insisted he stay in there for a few days, he’d not wanted word to spread about his…well, about what he’d tried to do. He didn’t need that to be canteen gossip. Carson had been pretty good about everything though, he’d put him in a private corner, kept the curtains drawn so that if anyone did come in they wouldn’t know he was there anyway. They’d talked too. A lot. Rodney didn’t particularly like sharing his feelings, but Carson had been so calm, so patient that he hadn’t been able to help himself.

PTSD was what Carson had called it. Well, he might have gone into more depth but Rodney had started to zone out at the initial diagnosis. It had sounded so weird. Soldiers got that, people who lived in warzones…not him.

He just couldn’t believe how much this whole situation has escalated. He’d thought that he was in control; before all this he’d been the master of repression, he’d always known how to shove up inconvenient feelings or memories into little boxes and remove them from the forefront of his brain, he’d leave them to gather dust somewhere and they’d rarely cause him any trouble. Okay, so once or twice they might have popped back up to haunt him, but that wasn’t really his fault, it was the inconsiderate Pegasus galaxy that liked to think of him as its own personal punching bag.

His fingers brushed gently across the tablet Carson had given him to keep him occupied, he’d been given strict instructions on what he could and could not do on it, but it was still a gesture he appreciated. Carson knew Rodney’s was a mind that didn’t exactly turn off at any point, it was always running on something, it needed to be used and not just so he could try to forget all of this.

A shiver ran down his spine at the memories of the last few days. It was terrifying to think how dark his world really had become recently, he’d found himself lost in a spiral of darkness and pain and there’d seemingly been no way out. He’d given up fighting against it months ago, he could recognise that now, and had simply been swept along. Even now he knew he wasn’t free of its grasp – his feet might be able to touch the floor, but the waves were still strong around him.

From beyond the curtain surrounding his bed a noise reached his ears, a squeak of a shoe and soft footfalls. He knew who it was even before the edge of the curtain was pulled back and John appeared around it, his expression neutral but his face was pale. Carson had already told Rodney that he’d have to inform John, Elizabeth and Kate about what had happened, his hands were tied in that respect, so it wasn’t exactly a surprise that one of them would come along.

“Hey buddy.” John’s voice was soft, almost concerned. God, this was going to be awful. They didn’t _do_ this. They didn’t discuss feelings or anything remotely personal, their friendship was based on a mutual love of maths and Star Trek and…wait. He blinked up at his friend, taking in the mess he called a haircut, the dark eyes and the stiff posture, E-Char hadn’t just been an embodiment of Carson but John as well. They’d taken the two people who meant the most to him and had blended them together.

“Hey.” He replied when he realised his silence seemed to only be exacerbating John’s concerns. He attempted a smile but it felt more like a grimace, it was as though his muscles had forgotten how to perform the action. He gestured towards the empty seat beside him, where Carson had spent most of the past few hours, and John took it. On a normal day John would have settled back, crossed a leg across his knee and begun to lounge in the chair, taking in the sights of the infirmary as if it were an amusement arcade but today he was straight backed and rigid, his arms folded across his chest.

“Carson told you then.” It wasn’t a question, after all he knew the answer, but the brief silence between them already had felt awkward and strained, he hadn’t wanted that to continue for too long.

“Yeah. He had to, Rodney, you know that.” Of course he did, even as they’d sat on the balcony with Rodney clutching desperately at his friend’s shirt, sobbing into his shoulder he’d known that this would get out. Maybe that was one of the reasons why he’d been crying in the first place?

“I guess I should get my place booked on the Daedelus.” He tried to keep his tone light, even as his insides seemed to squirm at the thought. He’d been so scared for so long that they’d send him back to Earth, maybe he just needed to come to terms with this now.

“Not gonna happen.” The finality in John’s voice almost made him start, and he held his friend’s gaze for a moment, trying to figure out if there was some semblance of doubt hidden behind the comment. He couldn’t find it. John seemed determined and sure…maybe…maybe he could stay then?

That seemed to be the end of that. They sat together in silence again and Rodney could feel his skin begin to crawl. He wanted to speak, he wanted to break the awkward tension that seemed to envelope the two of them but what could he say? John already knew what had happened, probably why it had happened too. What did he think of him now? He’d always been a liability before but now, well, maybe it was a good thing he’d resigned from the team already.

Rodney turned his face away from his friend, instead beginning to inspect the blanket pulled up to his waist. He let the tablet rest at his side but instantly regretted it, needing something to fidget with. His fingers found a lump on the blanket and set to work, rubbing and running over it again and again as the quiet stretched between them until eventually he snapped.

“Look just get the ‘I’m disappointed’ speech over and done with and then we can both move on, okay?” He kept his gaze fixed on the sheets, his fingers still working over the same patch. Beside him he heard John move in his chair but he didn’t dare turn his head.

“Is that really what you think I’m here to do?” There was that concerned tone again, the one that told the rational side of him that John wasn’t really here to have a go at him. It would be so much easier if he was.

Rodney shrugged, vaguely wondering how long it’d take him to wear a hole in Carson’s pristine sheets with his fingers.

“I’m not disappointed, Rodney, I’m not here to give you some sort of lecture. I’m here because –“ John broke off there and even with the gap between them Rodney could hear him swallowing, it was enough to bring him out of his revelry and finally look back at his friend. “Because you’re my…friend and I was worried. Still am.” That concern was evident on his face, there was no ignoring that. John Sheppard, whose emotions were normally better shielded than his own, looked scared.

There had been a couple of occasions where he’d seen that look before, but when it was directed at him it only served to twist his stomach into knots. Part of him wanted to apologise, but he’d tried that earlier with Carson and had been hotly rebuked.

“I’m not going to force you to talk, okay?” John leant forwards in his chair, one hand twitching on his knee as though he was about to reach out but thought better of it. “I don’t know exactly what you’ve been through but I think I have an idea. I’m just here to…look, Rodney, I’m just here if you need me, okay? I thought you knew that before but…” He trailed off, dropping his gaze to the floor and again Rodney felt a twist in his gut that was almost guilt. After a moment John seemed to gather himself, he sucked in a breath and continued.

“Whatever’s happened I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere. I’ll camp out right here if you want me to. We can play chess or battleships, we can talk, whatever you want.” He finally caught Rodney’s gaze and this time his hand did reach out, it settled over Rodney’s, which was still fidgeting with the bed covers, stilling him. “I’m sorry you had to go through this alone.”

John gave his hand a quick squeeze before he pulled his own back and it seemed that was all Rodney had needed, all the prompting he required because suddenly he was telling John everything. He started with being thrown into the cell, moved onto his friendship with E’Char and soon, for the second time recently, recounted everything that had happened since returning to Atlantis.

To his credit John just sat and listened. For some bits Rodney found himself rushing through, nervous of his friend’s reaction, but other than a slight frown the Colonel never interrupted. It was weird to talk so freely, but maybe those quacks did know something because it was almost cathartic. It had been painful letting everything out to Carson, not because of who he was talking to but because it was the first time. It had been like ripping a scab off a barely healed wound, allowing it to bleed freely again, but this time it was a little easier, as though less damage was done each time he ran over the same ground.

When he’d finished they’d returned to silence for a while, except this time it hadn’t been awkward.

“Thanks for telling me.” John broke it after a while, shooting Rodney a small smile.

“Well…you didn’t give me a whole lot of choice,” He replied, trying to inject some of his usual brusqueness, “Those puppy dog eyes are pretty hard to resist.”

His friend’s smile turned into a grin and Rodney felt himself finally relax, some of the tension he hadn’t even realised was lodged in his spine dissolved.

“They’re one of my best features.” With a shrug the Colonel leant back in his chair, all carefree and easy, as if they were just having a normal conversation anywhere.

“One of? I can see modesty’s another one.” Rodney rolled his eyes, feeling lighter than he had in…well, months. He’d missed this, the gentle banter between friends. He’d spent so long pushing people away, terrified they’d see him as a monster, that he’d forgotten what it was like to actually enjoy another’s company.

“Says Mr Modesty himself, what do you know about it?” John smirked, stretching his legs out in front of him.

“I know plenty about it, but I can’t help it if I’m naturally gifted.” He shrugged.

“Mhm, gifted at being a pain in my ass, maybe.” His friend retorted and for a moment Rodney tried to look offended, he really did, but it was too hard. He caught John’s eye and they both started to laugh. It was…kind of nice really. To laugh.

They stayed like that for a while, bickering and chatting about nothing in particular, simply enjoying the company. All this time he’d been begging for people to leave him alone, believing that he could just fix this on his own but maybe people could have helped after all? Maybe if he’d shucked off his pride and gone to John or Carson or Teyla, heck even Ronon, he might have been able to figure something out beforehand.

“Are you going to tell the others?” Rodney couldn’t help the question slipping from his mouth eventually, “Teyla and Ronon.” He expanded when the Colonel shot him a quizzical look.

“Only if you want me to,” John leant forwards again in the chair, slipping back into team leader mode rather than simply a friend. “If you don’t want me to, I won’t.”

Rodney nodded, biting his bottom lip as he thought. It wasn’t something he wanted the whole city to know, but those two were different. As mushy as it sounded they were as good as family to him.

“They’ve been worried about you too though.” John’s tone was cautious, as though aware that he didn’t want to push him into doing something the scientist didn’t want to do, but wanting to make the point all the same.

“Teyla I can imagine,” Rodney assented, “But Ronon? How could you even tell? Did he grunt one too many times during a two second conversation?” A part of him wanted to get back to the light-heartedness that he, himself, had shattered only moments ago.

“You noticed that too, huh?” John grinned for a moment, “But seriously he has been, I know because Lorne beat him sparring the other day.” He’d lowered his voice conspiratorially at this point, forcing Rodney to lean closer to hear him and when he did his eyes went wide.

“What?! There’s no way that happened,” He shook his head, adamant that it was a lie. “There’s no way Conon the Barbarian was beaten by Midget Major Lorne!” He crossed his arms across his chest and raised an eyebrow, he was calling this bluff.

“It’s true! And he’s not that short!” His friend rolled his eyes at him good naturedly, but it wasn’t enough to convince Rodney. There was no way Ronon would be thrown off his game that badly. He never got beaten in sparring sessions! There’d been a brief flurry of betting when he’d first joined the expedition, but now his reputation was such that no one was allowed to put odds on him anymore! “Lorne told me!”

“Oh yeah, of course, because we’ve never heard him exaggerate before. He once told the whole expedition that he and his team were chased by a hoard of angry villagers wielding spears, on closer inspection it was three grannies with rolling pins!” He kept his arms crossed, glaring at John as though he were the one who’d come up with the whole farce in the first place.

“Hey grannies can be dangerous.” John held his hands up in defence.

“Ah how could I forget how lethal pinched cheeks, lace doyleys and being spoilt could be?” He scoffed, unable to stop himself rolling his eyes _again_.

“You’re forgetting the deadly force-feeding of cookies.” His friend grinned across at him, thoroughly enjoying himself.


	20. Epilogue

**Six months later**

The breeze gently blew across his face, causing his jacket to ripple and rustle softly. Above him the sky was full of large, fluffy white clouds with the occasional glimpse of bright blue sky behind. The sea before him was calm, occasional waves lapped against the edges of the city as sea birds wheeled overhead. It was beautiful really.

Rodney had his forearms leant against the railings, his jacket sleeves rolled up to enjoy the feel of the cool metal against his skin. The weather had taken a decided turn for the better over the past few weeks, the temperature had crept higher and so any attempt to lower his body temperature was always welcome.

Above him a gull cried, the noise seeming to echo across the towers and spires around him. It had been a while since he’d worked up the courage to come back here. It had been his safe haven for so long, even before Agratha, but he’d been nervous that that might have been destroyed. He’d worried that all he’d be able to see when he came back were the crashing waves beneath his feet, or E’Char’s worried eyes staring at him from behind the railings. As it was he hadn’t so far. In fact he hadn’t seen E’Char for months.

He blew out a breath at that thought, focusing on the scenery in front of him rather than the small voice at the back of his mind that kept on wishing, hoping even, to see his old cell-mate. When this all started he’d have given anything to stop seeing E’Char, to not have this hallucination following him around and turning up at the most inopportune moments, but after months of nothing he’d begun to miss him. It didn’t matter how many times Rodney told himself that E’Char had been created by a load of coding and shoved into his head, that he’d never actually met or befriended the man he still missed the twinkle in his eye, the soft smile he’d shoot Rodney’s way, the gentle way he spoke.

The tang of salt-laden air hit his tongue as he sucked in another deep breath, releasing it slowly as though trying to release those memories into the air to be carried away on the warm breeze. If only it were that easy. Life had finally started to get back to some semblance of normality in ways, but he’d begun to understand that whilst things around him might be ‘normal’, he wasn’t the same.

It had been decided early on that he would be better off on Atlantis than Earth to try and recover, John had been insistent on it from the get go, Elizabeth had been persuadable but Kate had taken some convincing. Even with John’s assurance that he wouldn’t be forced out of the city Rodney had lived in a state of limbo for a week or so until eventually the shrink had agreed, as long as he played by the rules this time. For once in his life he’d listened.

“Great view.” The voice should have surprised him, it should have perhaps even worried him but it didn’t. Instead he felt a warm glow, almost like relief, start in his chest and the beginnings of a smile tug at the corners of his lips.

“You took your time.” Rodney replied, forcing himself to turn his head to look at his companion. He needed to see that he was actually here – well, as ‘actually here’ as he could be. The pale green skin seemed brighter in the sunlight, his long, dark hair seemed less unkempt and his friend’s smile was fixed in place. The one that had always told him everything would be alright. God, how he’d missed him.

“Well, I didn’t want to interrupt,” E’Char shrugged, still smiling as he held his gaze, “You seemed pretty interested in the scenery.” Rodney snorted but turned back to face the glittering sea before them, beside him he could tell his friend had followed his lead. They were both staring out at the most beautiful sight in Atlantis. “Besides you’ve been doing well, I didn’t want to ruin your progress.”

They stood together in silence, but it wasn’t awkward or panicked anymore, it was comfortable and companionable. Back in their cell Rodney had dreamt of this moment, of being back in his home, looking out to sea with his best friend by his side. At the start he’d been so sure the team would rescue them, both of them, and then it had morphed into grand schemes of breakouts which could never work but kept them entertained, until finally it transitioned into talks of how once they were released they’d try to find the city of the Ancients together. They’d be two old men searching the stars to find a home, and Rodney had envisaged coming back to his city and bringing E’Char out to this balcony. They could have drunk in the clean air, feasted on the wide, open expanse of water and both of them would have been home.

“You know I’m –“ Rodney started, a shiver running down his spine despite the warmth around him, but E’Char stopped him by raising his hand.

“You didn’t bring me here for that, Rodney,” His tone was kind but Rodney had known him long enough to detect the trace of sadness behind it. “It’s not me you owe an apology to. I’m just here for one last chat with my friend.” Rodney bowed his head, hating the prickling he could feel behind his eyes. “My best friend.” God, what was he trying to do to him?!

“Better make it special then.” He replied, pleased that he kept his own tone light but he knew his cellmate could spot the slight hitch in his throat.

They stayed like that for a while, swapping memories (false or otherwise), jokes and everything in between. They were both aware that their time was limited and that after this E’Char would be nothing more than a memory himself. At times Rodney found himself staring at his friend as they spoke, drinking in the sight of him. He watched every smile, every tick and mannerism, desperate not to forget them once this was over.

Far too quickly they both heard voices from beyond the balcony door coming closer and knew their time was up. For a moment the sun dipped behind a cloud, as though it was giving them a moment of privacy. The two of them turned to face one another again and E’Char shot him a sad smile, not even attempting to cover his feelings anymore.

“I guess this is it.” Rodney offered lamely, folding his arms across his chest, chilled even with the good weather.

“I guess it is,” E’Char nodded, tapping his left hand gently against the railing but creating no sound. “You look after yourself, Rodney. You’ve got a great team,” He jerked his chin towards the still closed door, “A great city and a great family. Trust them.”

Rodney swallowed, forcing his arms tighter across his chest. He hated goodbyes, he was useless at them.

“Take care, Rodney.” E’Char reached out a hand as though wanting to grasp his shoulder, but he stopped himself. They both knew his hand would go straight through the jacket and that would ruin the illusion.

“You too.” Rodney replied, closing his eyes briefly. “And thanks.” When he opened them E’Char was gone, as though he’d been swept up by the breeze.

It was as though E’Char had never been there, which in reality he hadn’t. He wasn’t real, had never been flesh and blood. He’d always been a creation drawn from Rodney’s mind and put in front of him to play with. His cellmate was just the result of some synapses firing, that was all. And yet the hole that he left behind felt real. No matter what E’Char might or might not have been, Rodney felt as though he’d lost something the moment he’d opened his eyes to see…nothing. He felt bereft.

There was a chasm opening in his chest and for a moment he wanted nothing more than to scream and rage at the sea and sky again. For one brief instant he was transported back to this balcony six months before, when the world around him had been nothing but darkness and his whole being had been hollowed out, like a pumpkin ready for Halloween. Except before he could give in, before he started to take steps backwards after months of moving forwards, he remembered the light that had reached him. Yes, E’Char but also Carson. And John. Whilst in a way he had come to rely on E’Char’s presence, on knowing that at some point he’d be back, he’d also known deep down that his friends had his back as well. He wasn’t alone.

Rodney closed his eyes, letting the breeze whisper across his cheeks before he focused on his breathing. In, hold, out. In, hold, out. The chasm in his chest seemed to lessen with each exhale. There had been so many times over the past year when he’d scoffed at Heightmeyer’s insistence that this was going to take time, that there’d be set backs and he couldn’t just will these feelings away, but now….well, he wasn’t about to tell her, but he was starting to understand what she meant. Seeing E’Char again had almost been one hell of a stumbling block, it could have sent him spiralling but this time he wouldn’t let it. He’d come too far to give up on all of this now.

Above him the gulls shrieked and wheeled, no doubt looking for odd alien fish in the sea below. Around him the city hummed comfortingly; a gentle, barely there brush of a presence against his mind telling him that Atlantis was checking in on her favourite genius. This seemed to settle something in him, as though a piece of a puzzle long thought forgotten was slipped back in place. He was home. It was an odd realisation, considering he’d been here for so long now, but it hadn’t felt like home since Agratha, not really. It had been another cell, albeit one with much better views and moderately better food.

The voices from the corridor finally stopped as he opened his eyes, and instead he heard the soft hiss as the door opened. He’d known that someone would come looking for him eventually – they’d done better at giving him some necessary space, but he was well aware of his team’s protectiveness. It had become apparent when Ronon had visited him in the infirmary after his last balcony escapade and had refused to leave, even when threatened with Carson’s own brand of voodoo. Then when he’d been allowed back to his quarters Teyla had started making arrangements to come round, or invite him to hers. The amount of Athosian tea he’d drunk had increased dramatically, but it had been…nice. Hers was a motherly presence that he hadn’t really noticed how soothing it could be. For the first few meetings she’d talked about anything, allowing him to add as much or as little to the conversation as he wished, occasionally letting them both slip into silence and it wrapped around them both like a blanket. She never pushed.

As for John, well, he’d come close to setting up camp in Rodney’s quarters when he’d told him about the nightmares, but thankfully he’d been talked out of that and instead had insisted that Rodney wake him if he needed him. He’d held out for as long as he could, but eventually it had become a routine for them. Rodney would wake in the early hours of the morning, sweating and shaking, his fingers scrabbling desperately for the maker pen before he’d force himself up and out of the room. He’d take the normal route to John’s room, allowing his brain to focus on the steps before he’d knock on the door and his friend would greet him with a smile and occasionally a beer.

It sounded sad but Rodney had never really realised how valuable friendships could be. More often than not the people around him were too idiotic for him to even contemplate spending two minutes with, let alone sharing personal thoughts or feelings. Before this mission friendships hadn’t been important to him – he’d never cared about being liked, mostly because people never really liked him anyway. Teachers, professors, classmates, colleagues they’d all taken against him because of his intellect and just because he knew he was clearly their superior, definitely not their equal. Now though things were different. Yeah, he was still the same arrogant ass he’d always been but that hadn’t put people off this time.

He was broken from his revelry by someone clearing their throat next to him, which made him startle slightly. He’d been so lost in thought he hadn’t heard footsteps or anything other than his own musings. Slowly he turned his head to meet his friend’s gaze, hazel met blue and the remaining inches of the chasm inside closed up.

“Hey.” John offered, his lopsided smile in place appearing as carefree as ever, but Rodney could practically feel the intensity of his gaze and knew he was being checked over for signs of… well, anything.

“Hey.” He replied, returning the smile with an ease he hadn’t felt in a long time. Behind him he knew Teyla and Ronon were waiting, probably giving John time to assess the situation before they marched in too.

“Not a bad view up here.” John turned away at last, leaning his arms against the railings and staring at the rippling water. “Just need a nice Ferris Wheel out on the pier there, couple of cotton candy stalls, hot dogs, we’d have our very own paradise.” Rodney scoffed, shaking his head.

“What is it with you and Ferris Wheels? Normal people can appreciate the fact that they’re rickety, rusted and going to fall apart the moment you’re at the top.”

“Now I dunno what kind of Ferris Wheels you have in Canada, but the ones I’ve been on were pretty damn cool.” Next to him John simply shrugged but Rodney could see his smile getting wider.

“Yes, well, Mr Knievel you can keep your rust bucket death traps. If you want paradise you just need this view and a citrus-free world buffet. Maybe a few short-haired blondes wandering around with the canapes.” It wasn’t a bad image if he said so himself and it got a laugh from his friend, which seemed to be enough for him.

“Is McKay talking about food again?” Came a gruff voice from behind them and Rodney turned, slightly surprised to find Teyla and Ronon coming towards them already. He’d figured there’d be some sort of signal from their intrepid leader to bring them over, but maybe he’d missed it.

“He’s breathing, so yeah.” Rodney spluttered, turning his head back and forth to glare at Ronon and John.

“I’ll have you know I talk about plenty more than just food, it’s not my fault if it’s too intellectual for you to even begin to grasp.” He folded his arms across his chest, trying to ignore the little voice in his head that told him he must look like a petulant child. The others clearly thought the same as he watched matching smirks appear on John and Ronon’s faces; Teyla was too polite to smirk, instead she simply smiled and laid a placating hand on his shoulder.

“Ignore them, Rodney, they are only teasing you in the hopes that it will direct the conversation away from the fact that Major Lorne beat both of them again in their recent sparring sessions.” Her eyes seemed to flicker with triumph for a moment and Rodney could only stare, first at her and then slowly to the two men. They both looked dumbstruck for a minute before their expressions morphed as one to moody teenagers.

“He beat you? _Both_? _Again_?” Oh it was like Christmas. Rodney couldn’t stop himself laughing, “We should really start selling tickets to your sessions!” His laughter ended abruptly at the murderous expression on Ronon’s face and Rodney shut his mouth with an audible click.

“Evan has improved dramatically; I have been very impressed with his dedication during our training.” Rodney really couldn’t control the snort that erupted at Teyla’s words, nor at the sudden “What?!” that came from both the Satedan and the Colonel. It probably shouldn’t have taken them this long to realise that if Lorne was beating them then he was probably getting trained by the best.

“At least this clears the debate up,” Rodney shrugged, his tongue flicking out to wet his bottom lip as he prepared himself, “You know, on who would win between Xena and Conan.” He flicked his hand to gesture towards Teyla and Ronon. There was silence. He held in his laughter as best he could, only slightly worried that maybe he might have gone too far, before John burst out laughing next to him. The Colonel leant forwards to rest his forehead against the railings as his body shook.

From beside him he could hear Ronon muttering something, but whilst he couldn’t understand the words the tone was amused. Or at least as close to amused as the Satedan ever really got. Teyla squeezed his shoulder, meeting his gaze for a brief moment before she had to look away. He could see her own amusement tugging at the corners of her lips.

They stayed like that for some time, swapping jibes and jokes as the sun moved across the sky. When silence eventually fell between them he turned his attention to the beauty around them.

Yeah, he’d be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we go, folks. A double whammy to finish. I just wanted to take a moment to thank you all so much for reading, commenting, kudos'ing, subscribing...for all of it really, it's made me so happy to know that people have enjoyed this fic. It's been around 6 years since I last wrote anything other than a work email (and this story's been in my head for probably that long too), so to get back into the game and have people be so nice has been wonderful. Thank you so, so much, you're all amazing (I'm really going to miss this story).


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